287: The Winner by a Nosepass
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The Winner By A Nosepass.
After a hard mornings work bouncing its butt off of rocks, Pikachu settles down to fill its fat little belly, which Brock gives Ash advice on how to fight Roxanne. Max asks May what her strategy is going to be and we finally come down to crunch point, with May finally in a situation where she can't put off the inevitable any longer.
She passes!
Yes, Ash, Brock and Max are shocked, with May calmly explaining that she isn't interested in being a Pokemon Trainer, she wants to become a Pokemon Coordinator. Ash seems even more taken aback than Max, and May tells the whole horrible truth. She never wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer, she just went along with the idea because it was a good way to allow her to travel and see the sites. She even admits that she didn't even like Pokemon when she first started out, but now that she has gained an appreciation of Pokemon she doesn't want to fight them off against each other, she wants to be a Pokemon Coordinator and use Pokemon that are strong and cute to take peoples breath away!
"Ahhhh!" gasps Brock.
While Brock chokes on the image of 10 year old May as a beauty show contestant, Ash tells her that he'll happily support and help her in her dream, and Brock quickly joins in. May then asks a disappointed Max if he is behind her.
Only in his dirty, secret, forbidden dreams.
"AHHHH!" ahhhh's James, sitting elsewhere in Rustboro looking through a guidebook and discovering that Roxanne from the Pokemon School is the local Gym Leader. Jesse reacts calmly, stating that if Roxanne is going to "disguise" herself as a teacher, then fair is fair and they'll disguise themselves and then through an intricate and overly-complicated plan they will steal Roxanne's Pokemon and....
James interrupts, taking a rare authoritative stand to point out that their plans never work, so it is time for a NEW Plan.
Dig a hole!
Well not quite, Meowth seemed to think James' new idea was the old idea of building a pitfall, but James actually plans to tunnel!
The twerps arrive at the Gym (FINALLY!) for their battle, and poor little Gyppos May and Max are a bit daunted by the rocky mountain-like gym before them. It is nothing like their Dad's Gym back in Petalburg, and when they enter they discover that the arena battlefield itself is also littered with rocks, and currently swarming with guys using shovels to prepare the arena. They greet Ash and May then call down Roxanne to meet her challengers. Roxanne welcomes them both to her Gym, but May explains that she won't be battling as she has decided to be a Pokemon Coordinator rather than a Trainer. Roxanne settles down on a seat with her to get the whole story, and then wishes her luck before promptly forgetting she exists and asking Ash if he is ready to start. Ash is more than ready of course, and Roxanne explains that her trainees that were earlier preparing the arena are also students from the school. They will be watching the battle to get an idea of how a real Gym Battle works, and Roxanne will also be taping the battle to show to her students later on (hopefully as part of the, "Look at how I kicked this trainer's ass" class).
Ash if fine with all of this and ready and eager to get started and win his badge, leading to May telling not to get carried away while Roxanne only seems to be impressed by his confidence. The battle is ready to comment, and an excited Max is on the edge of his seat, wondering aloud what Ash's strategy is going to be. Brock asks if he ever watched any of his Dad's battles back in Petalburg, but apparently Max wasn't allowed due to Norman not wanting to be distracted.
Yeah, that's the reason he wouldn't let you out in public, Max.
On of the student interns announces the rules of the match, which are Challenger's Advantage. Both will use two different Pokemon but only the challenger allowed to substitute during the match. Roxanne starts predictably enough by calling out Geodude which May has to look up in her Pokedex (hey, it's one of those WEEEEIRD Kanto Pokemon!); finding out that the bizarre floating head with two ropey-muscled arms has a high Defence but also is good at offence. Ash was expecting Geodude after yesterday's encounter with Team Rocket though and calls out Treecko, who bites his "cigar" and prepares to lay the smack down.
Max - who still hasn't learned from his grossly inept battle the day before - points out that Treecko is a Grass Type and thus has the type advantage over Roxanne's Geodude, but Brock points out that Treecko doesn't actually know any grass attacks! That means Treecko will have to rely on regular physical attacks, which at best puts it on an equal footing with Geodude.
Ash kicks things off with Quick Attack but Geodude counters, and they lock arms in a test of strength while Roxanne chides Ash for using a physical attack. Max is also upset; unable to figure out why Ash is going head to head against a Pokemon with such high defence (he's never seen Ash's patented "Run and Yell" technique before). May worriedly asks if Ash is going to do okay and Brock does what all people who have no idea do when they don't want anyone to know they have no idea.
He says,"Hmmmm."
Treecko strains against Geodude, who then MEGA-PUNCHES Treecko and sends the tough little Pokemon flying high into the air. Apparently this actually WAS Ash's strategy however, as he calls out to Treecko that this is their chance, and tells it to use Pound. Treecko - only a little stunned from that MEGA-PUNCH - complies, hurtling back through the air towards Geodude which is prepared and ready to strike.... until Treecko flips and smashes it in the face with its large tail, sending Geodude back into a rocky outcropping which collapses and leaves it buried beneath multiple rocks.
Max is impressed but confused at how a regular physical attack worked on a Rock Pokemon with such high defence. Brock explains that Treecko multiplied the force of the attack using the speed gained from its height, and hearing this rather clever use of strategy makes Max think that Ash is AWESOME!
Oh poor Max, he doesn't yet realise that Ash is an idiot savant, a complete moron with a remarkable talent for battling.
Roxanne also seems to think Ash is awesome, and tells him as much as she desperately stalls for time, keeping talking in the hopes that this - plus her position of authority over them - will stop her Student Interns from noticing that Geodude has been knocked out of commission and declares it out of the battle.... and then BAM! Geodude bursts free from the rockfall and uses Rollout to charge at Treecko, which dodges aside from that move but then falls right into the path of another MEGA-PUNCH, sending Treecko flying. The tough little Pokemon slams into the ground and quakes in pain as Ash calls for it to get back up.... and then Treecko stands back up because it. is. 'ARD! Ash congratulates Treecko as Roxanne and Geodude looks on in horror, then Treecko's eyes roll back and it collapses, unconscious.
Damn!
Ash thanks Treecko for being hardcore, but Max is upset and May is too, since Ash looks to be severely on the back foot. Brock however has seen enough of Ash's battles to know that this is far from over, and Ash sends out Pikachu to get things back on an even footing. The Student Interns AND Roxanne both think this is a stupendously bad idea, but Ash remains confident despite being at a severe type disadvantage. Pikachu lets loose with a massive blast of Thunder and Geodude throws up its arms to defend itself (Defence Curl?). The Gym it lit up bright and everyone squeezes their eyes closed, and when the Thunder clears..... the arena has basically been levelled flat!
But.... Geodude is still standi... eh, floating right in the middle, looking fresh as a daisy.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket are "shovelling" in time to James' shouted command of, "Shovel!" and he refuses to let either Meowth or Jesse rest. Jesse suggests they bug a digging machine, but James angrily points out that it is this kind of thinking that has put them in the poorhouse so many times before.
"How much did we spend on that woeful whacker?" he demands, oddly authoritative today. He then explains the genius simplicity of his plan. They dig their tunnel up to the arena, jump out, grab Geodude and Pikachu in a sack, jump down the tunnel and run away.
Well it's certainly simple, and when this is pointed out to him, James explains that it is when they get overcomplicated that they cause themselves Budget disasters. Well that's true, but Meowth and Jesse think it isn't a very exciting plan, though Wobbuffet is very proud and proves so by saluting and exclaiming its own name.
Back in the Arena, May is VERY impressed with Pikachu's Thunder Attack, but Geodude seems unharmed and Max and Brock are concerned over the energy expense. Roxanne grins and tells Ash all this did was give Geodude more room to attack, then orders Geodude to use Rock Throw. Pikachu uses Quick Attack, zooming through the air with white light flooding out behind it, smashing through the rocks but then finding itself right in front of Geodude.
MEGA-PUNCH!
Pikachu staggers back as Geodude prepares to finish things off with Rollout.... but the arena has been so damaged from the earlier Thunder Attack that it gets stuck in a groove and rolls in place! Pikachu uses Quick Attack again to get right in front of Geodude just as it stops Rollout, then lets loose with Thunder and KNOCKS GEODUDE THE FUCK OUT!
Max can't believe it! An electric type beat a rock type! How is that possible in his world of books and facts and mathematic equations!?!?!
Brock explains that due to the close proximity (and probably helped by being completely unprepared) the Thunder Attack over-rode the type-disadvantage. Roxanne is also impressed by this, her Geodude has been beaten by an election Pokemon, but now it is time for her second Pokemon, so she calls out Nosepass.
KILL IT! KILL IT OH GOD KILL IT!
What we see before us, Gentle Dodgers, is a violation of all God's laws, values and dreams of a better universe. Children cry, dogs howl, cats writhe about in the sun and all the leaves turn black and fall from their trees at the very existence of this abomination. Like the head of some ancient African Goddess come to life, like an Easter Island statue with Lego-blocks attached for feet, like the head of Katamari Damacy's King Of All Cosmos.... we give you Nosepass!
A giant head with clumpy legs and NO BODY! Nosepass has a blue nose that takes up most of its face and it is pure anti-life. Oh Lord, what nightmares do young children suffer after seeing this episode?
KILL IT! KILL IT OH GOD KILL IT!
"Nosepass, the compass Pokemon. Nosepass has a, nose, that acts as an, electro-magnet, that determines location by wiggling its nose about," explains Dextina, neglecting to mention that it is a Pokemon that makes Angels weep in fury.
Pikachu stands panting roughly, and May is worried about how tired it is while Brock and Max agree. They don't seem to realise that Pikachu has had the freshness shocked out of it by the horror and pain that is looking on Nosepass.
But Ash gets over his immediate revulsion well and orders Pikachu in with Iron Tai. Pikachu charges forward, leaps high and smashes a glowing white tail into the abortion that is Nosepass' face, and the monstrosity stumbles backwards, impressing Roxanne. Nosepass tries stomp, crashing one stupidly clumpy leg down where Pikachu was moments before, while the electric rodent dodges aside and then leaps high for a second Iron Tail... which fades out and does nothing! Pikachu stares at its tail in surprise and Roxanne laughs then claims that she and Nosepass weren't going to fall for the same trap twice. Of course they actually did, if Iron Tail hadn't failed it would have damaged Nosepass further.... but Roxanne is aware she is on camera and her foolish students watching later will think that their "brilliant" teacher somehow neutralised the attack.
Nosepass uses Rock Tube, and rocks fire out of the ground and surround Pikachu, trapping it amongst the rocks and squashing against it. Brock warns Ash to get Pikachu out of there, and he orders it to use Thunder to blast free from the rocks. Pikachu does so, but now it is panting more harshly before and looking more and more tired.
Meanwhile beneath the Gym, James tests the ground above them as the tunnel slops up and declares that with just one more shovel (or ten) they will break through the floor of the Arena, a concept that excited Meowth and Wobbuffet but leaves an over-worked Jesse cold.
Back in the Arena, Nosepass uses Sandstorm (from its nose? EWWWWW!) which means that Pikachu canąt see it, and thanks to the electro-magnet in its nose, Nosepass CAN see Pikachu?
Ash stares through the sand grimly, and then hears Pikachu cry out in pain from within the storm, which clears to show that....
NOSEPASS IS RAPING PIKACHU!
Well at least it looks that way, with the storm clear we see Nosepass kind of tilted over on top of a trapped Pikachu. But when the monstrosity tries to stomp on the rodent, Pikachu escapes, dodges an attempted Rock Tube using Quick Attack and then begins to zoom about around Nosepass in an attempt to confuse and infuriate the massive monster. Roxanne calls out to Nosepass to use its electro-magnet to locate Pikachu by its electrical signature.
Pikachu leaps high through the air as Nosepass tries to detect it, then comes flying down with Iron Tail ready to strike..... but the Iron Tail fades again and once more Pikachu bounces ineffectively off of the monstrous abortion of a Pokemon.
Brock finally surmises the reason behind all the failed Iron Tails.... Pikachu can't pull off two in a row due to the massive amount of energy the attack uses up. Pikachu needs time to build power up again, and it simply hasn't had a chance due to Nosepassą constant barrage of attacks (not to mention the constant barrage of offence its very existence causes).
Roxanne decides it is time to end things with an appropriately showy attack for her Students, and has Nosepass use Thunder Wave. It leaps high (as high as a stompy stone head on two thick legs can) and its nose glows bright, then it lets loose with a massive blast of electrical energy right at Pikachu, which of course dodges aside.
Right as James' shovel breaks through the surface of the arena.
"James, what's wrong?" asks Jesse.
"Nothing," replies a confused looking James, "Although my arms are feeling a bit.... tingly."
Light spills into the tunnel, then explodes and rushes right through the tunnel and out the other end, sending Team Rocket blasting off again! Sadly, James' otherwise clever "simple" plan will now be ruled a failure and never used again!
Back in the arena, Pikachu is panting and sore, while Ash is just plain confused over a Rock-Type like Nosepass using an Electric Attack like Thunder Wave. Roxanne explains to him that it is important to always have a surprise up your sleeve, she learnt that from him!
But Nosepass already knew the move befo.... ahhh forget it.
But suddenly it is Roxanne's turn to be surprised when Ash asks Pikachu if it is okay and it immediately perks back up at his command, still willing and eager to fight. Ash explains that the tougher the battle the better for him AND Pikachu.
"Wonder where he gets all of that confidence?" May ponders.
"Especially since he has nothing to base it on," notes Brock, who has never made it into the top 16 of ANY Tournament.
Max is enjoying the battle, but if his observations have told him anything, it is that Pikachu is going to need more than Iron Tail to put the horror that is Nosepass out of the world's misery. Suddenly though Ash brightens up and yells at Pikachu to charge Nosepass again. Roxanne is surprised and disappointed, she didn't expect Ash to use Iron Tail AGAIN so she tells Nosepass to finish things with Thunder Wave, but Ash instructs Pikachu to "receive it!" and Pikachu lets the Thunder Wave hit full force.
Roxanne, Gentle Dodgers, is an apparently gifted Gym Leader and top Alumni of the local Pokemon School, and it never occurred to her that using an electric attack on an electric Pokemon might have the opposite effect hoped for.
Pikachu smashes into Nosepass crackling with all of the excess electrical energy it has just received, and the static electricity promptly paralyses Nosepass into place. Now a fully charged Pikachu has a free shot at the abomination and leaps high before swinging down and cracking the monster full on directly in the face with an over-powered Iron Tail and.....
NOSEPASS FALLS!
Yes, like some ancient Lovecraftian monster-God of eons untold, Nosepass crashes back before the onslaught of Pikachu's Iron Tail.
Pikachu wins, Ash gets a badge!
Roxanne is shocked (and her humiliation has been captured on tape for her students to watch!), May is surprised, Brock pleased and Max totally fucking shocked.... then in love. In love with Ash.
Ash love!
Later on as the day ends, Roxanne stands outside of her gym and congratulates Ash on a well deserved victory, then presents him with the Stone Badge. Ash has FINALLY received his first Hoenn League Gym Badge, and as the sun sets, the twerps prepare to leave for the next gym and the next battle.
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