284: All Things Bright And Beautifly!
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Yes, they've arrived as is evidenced by the large building just off in the distance which is named Rustboro Hall. An excited Ash knows that he's only a short distance from his first Gym Battle, and he....
The Gym is over a days walk away.
Ash crashes onto his back at this revelation from Max, apparently they're in the far outer lying regions of Rustboro City. Sighing, Ash gets back up and they begin walking towards the hall, noticing that there are Pokemon Trainers all around them having their Pokemon do different attacks in odd ways. Ash wonders what they're doing since it doesn't appear like they're preparing for a battle, and Max points out that Rustboro Hall has a giant banner with Pokemon Competition written on it. May is intrigued by the concept, and she....
FACE RAPE!
May staggers backwards as a giant butterfly-like Pokemon slams into her face and begins humping her, knocking her backwards as the other twerps stare on in shock. Oh goodness me, we're seeing....
All Things Bright and Beautifly!
May gets the face-raping Pokemon off of her face and it lands on the back of her head, while Ash - long numbed to the concept of Pokemon taking sexual liberties with human faces - takes out his Pokedex to find out what kind of Pokemon it is.
"Beautifly," explains Dexter, "The butterfly Pokemon. Beautifly, have long thin noses that can extend, to suck the, pollen out of flowers."
A man and woman come rushing towards the twerps, the camera (perhaps from Brock's view?) taking great notice of her swinging breasts. The girl yells at Beautifly to get off May, but before it can Brock zooms up to her and asks that great question, "Is your mother a great artist, because you're a work of art!"
FACE RAPE!
Suddenly Brock's face is full of horny Pokemon, Beautifly slapping onto his face. The girl - Janet - apologises for this, introducing herself and the other Trainer, Chaz. Ash, May and Max introduce themselves, and then Brock makes his own unique intro, "I'm Brock, your future Boyfriend!"
They ask if Chaz and Janet are taking part in the Pokemon Contest and they confirm it, explaining that Beautifly was scared away by the raw power of Chaz's Venomoth's Gust Attack. Ash is confused, why would a powerful attack be a bad thing?
Chaz and Janet explain how Pokemon Contests work, they're much like Pokemon Battles in a way, except you are judged on the beauty of the attack, not the raw power. Pokemon Co-Coordinators like Chaz and Janet train their Pokemon to execute an attack in such a way that it increases the visual appeal of the attack. As Ash struggles with trying to pronounce the word of Co-Coordinators, Janet and Chaz show off their ribbons, which are awarded to the winners of contests. Janet has two and Chaz has one, which they show off to May who immediately wants one, and declares she is going to enter the contest, and Ash decides they ALL should. Janet and Chaz confer amongst themselves that it may be too late for them to enter, but tell them they'll take them to the entry desk to sign up if they can.
Meanwhile at the entry desk, a very familiar face is presenting her Coordinator card. Jesse grins with pleasure as James and Meowth wait on her. The Attendant looks over the card, then points out that Jesse's card is... expired!
She is shocked at this, and demands to know if the attendant knows who she is talking to.... well yeah, someone with an expired card!
Jesse growls and James and Meowth seem to know they're in for a hard night of her taking it out on them, until the attendant points out that an expired card CAN be renewed. Jesse is happy again, but the twerps less so when they arrive not long after and discover that the contest is now full. May is dismayed, but at least they can be issued with passes to let them in to see the contest first hand, and it doesn't take long for May and Max to get themselves onto Janet's team so they can at least take part in the contest. Chaz and Janet start to prepare, with Brock noting that Chaz is feeding his Venomoth small cubes of coloured food.
DRUGS! PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS!
Well, not quite. It turns out berries like those the twerps saw in the last episode are turned into what are called Pokeblocks, which can then be fed by themselves or as an additive to food. Completely natural despite their processed look, they help Pokemon gain health and stat boosts. Chaz offers Brock one and he gobbles it down, teaching all the watching kids a valuable lesson - when a stranger offers you a small coloured cube used to increase the performance of an animal, you take it!
Ash meanwhile is explaining that he and May are on their way ultimately to Rustboro Gym to earn a Pokemon Badge, and Janet and Chaz are a little taken aback that he's using Pikachu. Apparently Rustboro Gym is a Rock Gym, with the Gym Leader specialising in Rock Type Pokemon which electric and fire Pokemon are particularly weak against. This is bad news for Ash AND May, since the best Pokemon he has available is Pikachu, and the ONLY Pokemon May has available is Torchic. Chaz may have a solution - for Ash at least - since he can teach Pikachu a new move - Iron Tail. It is a move designed specifically for use against Rock Types, and Ash is keen to learn it. Max points out that May should also be doing something to overcome her weakness, but she begs off and laughs that she'll figure something out, which confuses Max who still has no clue that May really isn't as keen on the idea of Pokemon Battles as 98.5% of the rest of the population.
Chaz takes Ash to a field and calls out Sentret, giving a quick demonstration of Iron Tail. Sentret's tail glows white and it flips through the air, smashing its tail into a rock which instantly shatters and smashes to pieces. Ash is VERY impressed, but Chaz warns that only Pokemon with fully developed tails can use the Attack, so Pikachu is going to have to work out Rocky IV style in the Russian wilderness while some big Russian dude shoots up on steroids and uses all kinds of modern equipment but Rocky keeps it real man, he totally carries around logs of wood and does sit-ups in a cabin while Carl Weathers yells at him while that poncy Russian bastard gets all the modern sports training equipment that communists have while poor Rocky who is a multi-millionaire from America has to make do with the natural environment and.....
Oh dear, I have strayed.
Anyway, Pikachu has a rock tied on a string to its tail and begins lifting it while for no reason, Ash starts doing push-ups directly behind Pikachu and screaming, "COME ON! COME ON!" which all in all makes for a delightfully dodgy image.
Jesse is also in training, settled down beside Seviper and reading up on attacks that are particularly highly regarded for their flamboyant, stylish nature. She explains to James and Meowth that she has entered the contest because she wants to be a star! She wants her own fan club! And with that fan club they can begin recruiting new Team Rocket members for the Hoenn Region!
The Contest begins, the announcer stepping out to explain that the winner will be given a ribbon, and once a Co-Coordinator is given five ribbons they are named an Official Top Co-Coordinator and given entry into the Pokemon Grand Festival. He then introduces the Judges, who include Mr Contesta, some random anorak freak from the Pokemon Enthusiasts Society, and Rustboro's own Nurse Joy.
Meanwhile, Pikachu has moved into Jedi mode and is swatting away stuff thrown by Ash, Taillow and Treecko with its tail. Finally, as Treecko fires a twig at Pikachu, the fat little rodent's tail lights up white.... Pikachu has ALREADY learnt Iron Tail! But then Ash turns and sees the giant screen on the side of Rustboro Hall, and Chaz is up and competing already!
Ash rushes inside as Chaz is awarded points, coming out with the highest points so far, 29.5/30!
Janet is up next, accompanied by Max and May who are going to act as her assistants for the contest, which is nice of her since if these two young, small children with no experience happen to screw up, then she is fucked!
Beautifly starts things off with Flash, lighting up the entire Hall and making the crowd oooooh, then Max and May throw discs at Beautifly which shatters them using Stringshot before letting loose a blast of Hidden Power to make it snow stardust on the adoring crowd. The Judges are enraptured as well, and Janet blows Chaz out of the water with a score of 30/30.
Ash makes his way backstage and cries out his congratulations as he enters, and May joyfully thanks him, though Max points out Ash was PROBABLY congratulating Janet.
Meanwhile, the last competitor - 30/30 - is entering, one Mademoiselle Jessica. Dressed up in a snappy black outfit and accompanied by James - in a matching outfit - and Meowth - in his horribly bad taste little blue suit, Jesse calls out Seviper and prepares to blow away the audience with all of the highly recommended moves she has been reading about. She begins with a doozy, calling for Seviper to use Sacred Fire, and Seviper.... panics and gurgles since it doesn't know that move! Jesse improvises though, and tells Seviper to use Water Pulse.... no, doesn't know that one either.... Blaze Kick? No! Dragon Claw? NO! Seviper has been sweating more and more, and now a flood of sweat envelops its entire body as the crowd begins to boo Jesse. The Judges look horrified at one of the most amateurish and clumsy Co-Coordinator displays ever, and even the camera-men are bored and zoom in on the slit of Jesse's skirt to show some exposed leg while James hisses at Jesse to do something! Finally Jesse tries one last move, suggesting Poison Tail. Seviper shakes its head in despair, and then suddenly realises that it CAN do THAT move, and smashes Jesse hard with its giant tail and sends her crashing rather painfully into the roof of the hall. James and Meowth see the writing on the wall (and in the faces of the crowd) and leg it, as the Judges award Jesse what she honestly deserves this time, a 0.
Watching from backstage, May wonders how anyone could possibly be that bad, while the Contest Announcer makes a frank and heartfelt apology to the world for the horror of that display, then announces the finalists from the 30 contestants.... Janet and Chaz!
Jesse meanwhile has forgiven Seviper already for failing miserably and then bitch-slapping her, hugging it as James and Meowth work on a plan to salvage something from this nightmare. It is a surprise Jesse has done so badly considering her penchant for dramatic flair, but PERHAPS next time she enters a Pokemon Contest she'll do the smart thing and actually figure out what moves her Pokemon know BEFORE the contest. She hears Meowth coming up with his plan to steal the winning Contest Pokemon and declares that it is a great idea, and one she came up with! A confused Meowth is sure that he is the one who came up with the idea, but hey... an idea is an idea and they better get on with it!
Chaz and Janet meanwhile are preparing to actually battle against each other to determine who wins the contest. But unlike a regular Pokemon Battle, this is more a clash of styles and audience reaction than beating your opponent into the ground. Chaz and Janet are given five minutes and will combat with a series of attacks, and the points the Co-Coordinators have accumulated in the contest so far will be removed from them for each time they fail to react or disable an attack, especially if they don't look good while doing it!
Venomoth and Beautifly come out and Venomoth immediately uses Stun Spore, which is promptly blown away by Beautifly's Gust. Points are subtracted from both because the Stun Spore initially worked but the Gust then negated the attack. Beautifly used Hidden Power and Venomoth tries to dodge, but Janet's Beautifly is highly trained and is actually able to control the flow of its hidden power and smash Venomoth despite zooming up into the rafters. Things aren't looking good for Chaz, who now has only about 50% of his points left, but he has an ace in the hole and has Venomoth use Psybeam, which hits Beautifly hard and sends it crashing into the ground, knocking Janet's points down to about 45% and leaving Beautifly in danger of being knocked out. But Janet was ready for a desperate situation like this and has Beautifly use a Restoration Move called Morning Sun which has the effect of getting Beautifly off the ground, restores its health AND looks really pretty to the watching crowd and judges!
The reaction is so intense that Chaz loses a ton of points, dropping to about 15% of his initial score with only a minute left in the battle. Things are down to brass tacks now, and Venomoth and Beautifly use Psybeam and Hidden Power respectively which cancel each other out, and then Beautifly throws up Flash against Venomoth's Confusion as time runs out and the points are stacked up against each other.... and Janet wins! Chaz congratulates her on a hard fought victory, but he's not the only one. Jesse and James appear dressed in tuxedoes, bow ties and Elton John glasses (Jesse showing a generous amount of cleavage) and present Janet with an award bouquet, despite the announcers protests that he doesn't know anything about this. The bouquet suddenly blasts smoke and shrouds the stage.
"Prepare for trouble as we congratulate!"
"And made it double as we coordinate!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
Team Rocket have Beautifly and Venomoth in their nets (luckily for them neither of the Pokemon apparently know any attacks like Confusion, Psybeam, Hidden Power, String Shot or Stun Spore or anything like that) and declare that they're here to cash in on Janet and Chaz's hard work and steal their Pokemon. Chaz is furious, but he's also without a Pokemon (maybe the Pokeball with Sentret in it fell out of his pocket and into the ocean?) and Jesse has Seviper, so Ash sends in Pikachu and tells it to use Iron Tail!
Chaz is shocked, Pikachu knows Iron Tail already? Pikachu charges in with its tail glowing white... and then the white glow fades and Pikachu looks up at the massive Seviper and realises.... ooooh fuck!
But then, indignity of indignities, Torchic comes THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE and slams into Seviper with a Tackle Attack, then uses Ember to break through the net holding up Venomoth and Beautifly, which promptly use a Double Gust Attack to send Team Rocket blasting off again!
Janet is finally given her first place ribbon which she promptly shows to Max and May, thanking them for all their help (they threw discs!). May stares in undisguised lust at the ribbon and declares that she is going to enter Pokemon Contests!
Max helpfully points out that perhaps it might make more sense for her to prepare for her rapidly upcoming first Gym Battle. Chaz wishes Ash good luck in his battle while Brock points out that he has to work on Pikachu's Iron Tail, which Ash acknowledges.
What isn't acknowledged though is what May has been avoiding addressing since her parents let her head out into the world in the company of only her little brother and a complete stranger only a couple of years older than her and on the cusp of puberty.
What the hell is May going to do when she gets to her first Pokemon Battle?
| BEST QUOTES |
 "And I'm Brock, your future boyfriend!"
 "I'm a natural with pokémon!"
 "After I win, I'll have my very own Jesse fan club."
 "Does she know who you are?"
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