283: The Lotad Lowdown
|
|
Ahem, hello Gentle Dodgers and look, the twerps have taken their clothes off!
Well, kind of, they're not naked or anything they're just in their swimming costumes as they enjoy a well earned break from all that hanging out not doing much of anything stuff they've been doing. May and Max dive into the lake (and isn't it interesting that May's 10 year old chest looks more like a... well, 10 year olds chest! Apparently there are less opportunities for stuffing when you're in a skimpy two piece bikini and hanging out with three guys in the middle of nowhere) while Ash swims about with Pikachu resting on his head.
Brock stretches and flexes on a rock by the lakeside, getting the blood flowing (and keeping it from concentrating in one particular place?) before he gently puts a toe into the water.... then promptly falls in.
Max and May splash each other with water as Brock floats by enjoying the lovely weather, unaware that deep in the water two sinister red eyes are watching.
Ash begins to splash Max until Pikachu notices something wrong, and more red eyes are seen staring from out of the water, which can only mean one thing.
THE LAKE IS CHLORINATED!
A bird¹s eye view of the lake shows the twerps being surrounded by a large number of.... things. We suddenly close in and one of them makes a beeline straight for May's crotch, and as you might imagine if you were a 10 year old in a skimpy yellow bikini with a bizarre water monster zooming at your crotch, she screams.
The Lotad Lowdown.
But there is no unexpected penetration to be had this day, as we come back from the opening credits to find the twerps surrounded by the mysterious Pokemon and everyone a little creeped out. Ash suggests they get out of the water and they begin to make their way back to shore when suddenly Max is pulled under the water, then May, then Ash and Pikachu and then Brock. Ash struggles under the water with Pikachu, then turns and looks right into the eyes of the horror from the deep that has caught him.
A retarded Mexican Pokemon?
All horrifying displays of racism aside, the Pokemon staring happily at Ash appears to be a retarded version of a stereotypical Mexican archetype, with a lily-pad atop its head that looks like a sombrero and a nose that looks like a moustache. Underwater, the twerps find themselves surrounded by the happily demented little racial-stereotype bombs, which begin pooling around the twerps feet before surging up and sending them flying through the air and crashing into the ground.
Brock lands first on his back, then Ash lands on Brock's feet, May hits Brock's stomach tits first and Max finds himself layered over Brock's crotch with a happy look on his face, although whether that's from cockblocking May or his own pleasure is uncertain.
Untangling themselves from a scene more familiar to pokemon-hentai-doujinshi-underagerape.com, the twerps look back at the lake as Max asserts that the Pokemon were most assuredly Lotad.
Even the name sounds retarded! Is it Lotad or Loltard?
"Lotad, the water weed Pokemon," Dextina tells Ash, "Lotad inhabit peaceful wetlands, like lakes or ponds."
May speculates that they're "kinda cute" as the Lotad clamber out of the lake in a semi-circle, causing her to hide behind Max. But the Lotad simply blast water into the air to create a spectacular water fountain that the sun shines through. But one of the Lotad appears to be more retarded than the others, and fires a small gurgling Water Gun as opposed to the others, and when they all stop it keeps going.
The twerps look pitifully upon the retard amongst retards and Brock (who appears to have a surprisingly well developed left arm that suggests it has been getting regular, nightly exercise) approaches it to tell it to stop, and it blasts him full force in the face with a massive Water Gun. As the others laugh at Brock's misfortune, a small girl with ridiculous red hair appears THE F**K OUT OF NOWHERE and shouts at them that the lake belongs to the Lotad and they can't swim there.
May (who has been hiding behind Max) suggests that Miss Bossy-Pants would make a good match for Max, and when the girl demands they come with her they ask her what for, she screams back that she's going to give them A LECTURE!
Meanwhile, we find Team Rocket drudging dejectedly through the forest, desperately in search of water to drink. Jesse moans that she wants to know where they are and Meowth snaps they're in the forest, with Jesse yelling back that she has eyes and can see that, but what's the name of the forest? Well, if Meowth knew that he'd probably know where to find water too, and as they moan at each other James crashes to the ground in front of them and melodramatically proclaims he has reached the end of the line and they will have to go on without him. Jesse and Meowth sob that he'll be fine, they'll find water and give him the first drink.... and then James notices a bizarre berry on a nearby tree and his two sobbing friends charge over him and begin fighting over the berry, ignoring his weak request for "just one bite".
Both Jesse and Meowth bite into the big, luscious looking berry.... then scream in pain and begin breathing fire, as the berry is apparently quite a hot one. As the camera pulls away (showing that they're closer to the lake then they might think) Wobbuffet appears before the camera (and hundreds of feet away from Team Rocket) to proudly proclaim its own name.
Meanwhile, the twerps have been taken to a cabin looking over the lake with irrigation pipes leading up to it. Inside, the grouchy little redhead is being admonished by her older sister for treating the now clothed twerps so harshly. The older sister - Nicole - apologises for the filthy ginga - Natalie - and explains that they run the flower shop here by the lake, and then the twerps introduce themselves, Ash and Pikachu, May and Max. Nicole welcomes them, and then suddenly Brock is in her face, clutching her fingers firmly in his own.
"Hi, I'm Brock and you're beautiful!"
Nicole stammers a greeting back as he waxes lyrical on her beauty, offering them some of her pie....
GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!
She's just cooked a pie and it should be sufficiently cooled by now for them to eat, something the twerps happily agree to. But then the door opens and a new girl walks in, this one with short cropped green hair and dressed in overalls, and she seems taken aback by the presence of the twerps. Nicole introduces her as her "other sister" as Brock rushes up to her to extol her beauty as well.
Sister eh? Bollocks more like, Rita and Nicole are in a different kind of relationship!
Natalie meanwhile grabs Brock by the arm and demands to know why he didn't say such nice things to her when they met, and as Brock tries to think of a nice way to explain how there is only one underage girl he loses his mind over, Rita laughs that it is love at first sight.... again!
"Love at first sight!" gasps May with joy, clasping her hands together.
Indeed it is, for Natalie at least, as they settle down for pie (two slices apparently shared amongst Nicole, Rita, Ash, May, Max and Pikachu while Natalie piles Brock's plate full of limp slices of pie that she made specially for him). After eating the pie, the sisters take the twerps outside for a tour of their garden where they grow the flowers they sell. They also have a variety of berries, and Nicole explains the benefits of all the different berries which can be used to treat illnesses and injury, as well as improve the health of Pokemon. Brock is very interested in this, and as Natalie clutches on to his arm he suggests they all head out into the forest to find more berries so he can find out more... which unfortunately leads to Natalie volunteering her services due to her nature as Brock's "girlfriend".
Rita shows up complaining about the pipes (bloody lesbians won't let this go!) and then the lakeside Lotad show up and enforce that Mexican stereotype by acting as cheap labour, pouring water from their sombre.... lily pad hats into the garden. It is explained that they do this as things for the sisters helping them get across the borde.... for making them potions and treatments from the berries. Ash suggests that they also help out in the garden and May and Max thinks that is an exciting, fun way to spend a day.
Wow, obviously they came from a happening, exciting family.
Meanwhile, Jesse and James' asses are pointed firmly at the camera.
Well good!
Having found the lake, Team Rocket lap the water up eagerly, James lifting his head and sighing with contentment before look at Jesse's ass, frowning, and asking if her and Meowth are all right.
Well no, they're not. Despite lapping up the water, Jesse and Meowth have mouths like harlequin foetuses from chomping on the hot berry earlier on. James notices something on the other side of the lake and checks with his binoculars, seeing the twerps and Natalie along with the Lotad. Meowth suggests that the steal the Lotad and ship them to the Boss, and when James makes the mistake of asking what the end result will be we are treated to another hallucinogenic Meowth/Giovanni dream-like fantasy.
"Da Boss'll wake up first ting in da morning," Meowth explains, as we see a cartoony Giovanni waking up in his bed with a Persian sleeping beside him and a kiddy-drawing of the sun in the outside window, "And the last ting he'll wanna do is walk all da way to da batroom to wash up, and dat's when a Lotad will show up with its head full of water!"
Cartoon fantasy Giovanni throws his arms up and smiles widely at the Lotad.
"Happily he'll use dat Lotad to wash his face and brush his teeth and maybe even wash his hair, and dats when he'll say, ŒIt was coz of dat brilliant Meowth and Team Rocket dat I have dis convenience and so I'm gonna make them Vice-Presidents!¹ "
Well, Jesse and James are all too ken to agree with this bizarre, illogical and detached from reality story, and get ready to get down to business.
Meanwhile, the twerps are heading back to the garden along with the Lotad, with buckets full of water and Lotad with their heads full of water. But there seems to be a problem, as the line of Lotad stops at the garden, with the lead Lotad seemingly unsure what to do next. It is the same Lotad that had trouble earlier figuring out Water Gun, so Brock puts down his bucket, walks up beside Lotad and shows it how to dip its head. The Lotad stares back in confusion, and after a great deal of time finally figures out that if it does what the funny spiky-haired Lotad with the nose and arms and legs and clothes did, the weight on its head might go away.
Dipping its head, the Lotad pours the water out and declares victory in the ages old battle of retard versus logic!
It then turns to Brock and begins dipping its head again, although whether this is a mark of respect or an inability to stop dipping its head is unclear. The others watch as Brock stares uneasily at the bowing Pokemon, and Nicole comments, "Brock sure is a great guy, he's going to make a great breeder!"
Snicker.
Later on as the sun begins to set, the twerps and Rita stand by the lake saying goodbye and thank you to the Lotad, which hop into the water to swim away... all except for one that stands looking up at Brock as Nicole rushes up and tells them that Natalie has disappeared, leaving a note saying she has gone looking for the citrus berries that Brock was waxing lyrical about earlier.
Brock blames himself (because it's his fault that some random obsessed girl took something he said as an aside out of context and took it upon herself to go out into a forest she is intimately familiar with) and decides to go out looking for her, accompanied by Rita and Ash while May and Max stay behind with Nicole.
Natalie wanders about looking for the berries and finally finds one, grabbing it from the tree and then hearing a noise in the bushes behind her. She turns to look and then lets out a squeal as something zooms out of the bushes before her.
Meanwhile Brock and the others are having no luck finding Natalie, until they too hear a noise in the bushes and see Lotad pop out of them to grin happily up at Brock. He picks it up and then they hear Natalie's scream, rushing to her aid in time for Brock to rescue her from an attacking Beedrill by using Forretress.
She thanks Brock for saving her, then hands him the Citrus Berry which seems to leave him somewhat taken aback, though there is little time for awkward moments when Pikachu hears a noise and they move to lakeside and find a yacht of all things sitting in the water with Team Rocket aboard.
"Prepare for trouble, we're on a Lotad run!"
"And make it double, for a tad more fun!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
"WOBBUFFET!"
But seemingly learning from previous mistakes (and also having just taken out a massive loan to finance the purchase of the yacht!), Team Rocket don't try to grab Pikachu, instead they say they're off to catch the Lotad and then zoom away in the yacht. Ash, Brock, Rita and Natalie realise there is no way to catch up to Team Rocket, but Lotad has gotten its massive tard-rage up and has Pikachu jump onboard and then follow afterwards, travelling at an enormous speed.
Nicole, May and Max watch in horror as Team Rocket's yacht arrives on their side of the lake and begins sucking in Lotad after Lotad. Apparently Nicole has no Pokemon of her own and May's Torchic is hardly going to make a difference, so all they can do is watch as a mocking Team Rocket sing about their upcoming victory.... and then Lotad and Pikachu arrive.
Pikachu leaps onto the yacht as it comes to a stop and the front of the yacht closes up to seal in the captured Lotad. But then Lotad lets loose with a MASSIVE blast of Water Gun that shatters a hole in the boat and lets the Lotad out.
Pikachu then leaps high and hits Team Rocket with a Thunderbolt and as Ash, Brock, Rita and Natalie arrive back on the scene they get to see Team Rocket blasting off again.
They sail through the air, James leaning on his back with his hands behind his head, seemingly resigned to his fate.
"Looks like we can kiss that corner office goodbye," mutters Jesse.
"That's not all you can kiss, Jess," snaps James, surprisingly cattily.
"We can kiss our butts, goodbye!" moans Meowth, in case we didn't get the inference.
The next day sees the twerps ready to leave, and Natalie hands Brock what looks like a CD (PIRATED SOFTWARE! PIRATED SOFTWARE!) which she claims to be a list of all the different berries he can find in the forest. He thanks her as the two older sisters wish Ash and May luck in Rustboro City, May worriedly thanking them as she again tries to think how she is going to deal with her first Gym Battle when she has only recently gotten interested in Pokemon and STILL doesn't really care about going for Gym Badges. Lotad walks up to Brock again and Max suggests it might want to come with them, Brock asks the sisters for permission and they agree, and as the twerps head off it is with a brand new companion - a heavily retarded, happy Mexican-stereotype Pokemon that probably has an IQ in the low double digits.
So luckily it's in good company!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Hi. I'm Brock - and you're beautiful!"
"You'll get 100% of Brock labour!"
 "Tell him to stop looking at me like that!"
 "Where are we anyway?" "We're in the forest."
|
|
