277: A Poached Ego!
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Looking around, they realise that the entire area is marked with signs of some kind of action. What caused it? Was it some kind of Pokemon Battle? If so, who would use a net like the one May found? We're sure to find out, Gentle Dodgers, but more importantly than all of that, today marks a turning point for the Pokemon series. Today there shall be an adventure, there will be dodginess, and there will be fun, tears, jokes and Pokemon battles.
But today, it will not be the twerps at the centre of all of this action. Today is a Team Rocket episode and things are about to change forever. Sit back and prepare yourselves, Gentle Dodgers, for....
A Poached Ego!
The twerps head to the nearby Pokemon Centre and are greeted by Nurse Joy. Brock prepares to continue his unbroken record of rejection, but as he leaps forward with blushing cheeks and love in his eyes, May shoves him aside and happily reacquaints herself with old friend Nurse Joy.... only Nurse Joy has never seen her before!
May is astonished, they only just met recently in Oldale (thanks to the kind-hearted Dodger who sacrificed their Christmas to tell us how that is properly spelt) where they shared an adventure. Nurse Joy explains that the Joy may met is her older sister, which confused May since they all look exactly alike.
Apparently there is no Pokemon Centre in May's hometown, despite it being the location of one of Hoenn's most credible Pokemon Gym Leaders. Max shows May a family photo of Nurse Joy from his guidebook and explains that Nurse Joys run Pokemon Centres all over the country, and that they all look alike.
But Brock will have none of this! He waxes lyrical on the talents, beauty and fine differences to be found between the various Nurse Joys... including that this Nurse Joys bangs are a millimetre longer than anyone elsešs.
Then Officer Jenny appears and Brock zooms right up into her face, proclaiming that her eyelashes are a tenth of an inch longer than anyone else in the country. As May sighs over discovering there are a bunch of different/the same Officer Jenny's, Jenny ignores Brock and explains she is here looking for any injured Pokemon recently brought in, since a suspected poacher named Rico is in the area. Ash shows Jenny the spear-end and bit of netting he found earlier and Jenny demands they show her exactly where in the forest they found it.
Watching all this from afar is, who else, but Team Rocket. Jesse watches the twerps leaving the Pokemon Centre and her and James consider what their plan should be. They decide on that old favourite the pit-trap, but Meowth quickly vetoes the idea. They're trying to climb the corporate ladder and its time to stop using the same old failed plans and try something new. Meowth walks as he lectures Jesse and James, and misses the edge of the incline they're settled on. He squawks and falls down, rolling down the hill over and over and crashing down at the edge of the forest flat on his face. Sighing with pain, he gets up and spots an odd looking pile with a camouflage blanket over it making hissing noises. He pulls the blanket aside and finds himself facing.... a cage full of Ekans!
Yes Ekans, the snake like Pokemon once used by Team Rocket way back at the start of Ash's Pokemon journey! Meowth asks what they're doing in the cage (just chilling maybe?) and the Ekans tell him that they've been poached. Meowth is shocked, and grabs the cage bars to get them free.... but ends up getting zapped instead. He stumbles back as Jesse comes down the incline riding on Arbok's back and James grips onto Weezing as it hovers down. They get off their Pokemon and stare at the caged Ekans, scoffing at the amateurish nature of putting Pokemon in an electrified cage, thus hurting the very Pokemon the poacher is trying to capture. Jesse and James decide to capture the Ekans themselves and call for Arbok to use Acid on the bars, but Arbok just stares with wobbly-eyed horror and dismay at the cage. Team Rocket soon figure out that Arbok is sad because it USED to be an Ekans itself and doesn't want to see them hurt. Well Jesse isn't about to see her Arbok feel sad, so she declares that they shall take the Ekans and make them into Team Rocket's Ekans Army!
James and Meowth seem a bit taken aback by this, Meowth entering data on a calculator and noting that it is going to cost ALOT of money to feed all of these Ekans. Well Jesse has a simple solution to that, James and Meowth can just cut back on meals!
James and Meowth are horrified and Wobbuffet appears from nowhere to declare its own name heroically, and then Arbok fires its Acid Attack at the bars of the cage.... and nothing happens!
Team Rocket are astonished, but James steps up to the plate and orders Weezing to use Sludge.... but before it can a Fearow comes THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE and smashes Weezing back.
A jeep hauling another cage pulls up by the Ekans cage and out steps the green haired poacher shown to the twerps by Officer Jenny earlier.... its Rico!
"All right you clowns," he growls,"Who do you think you are messing with MY property?"
Well that's all the excuse Team Rocket needs!
"Prepare for trouble! Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers!"
"We're Team Rocket, so make it double!" adds James, then struggles to rhyme,"Jeepers Creepers!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender those Ekans or prepare for a fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
"WOBBUFFET!"
Well Rico seems unimpressed by the motto, and he also appears to not have listened as he once again asks what they're doing with HIS Pokemon.
"Stealing them of course!" says Jesse, James adding that they're going to build the world's biggest Ekans army. But as James talks, Weezingšs eyes fill with tears as it stares at the cage attached to Rico's jeep.... it's full of KOFFING!
KOFFING!
Yes the greatest, happiest Pokemon of all time! But these Koffings are sad! Their gloriously upturned smiles are gone as they sit unhappily in the electrified cage. But even with all this against them, one Koffing sits in the middle of the others and refuses to let its joy be inhibited.
Rico.... the bastard.... is making Koffing sad.
KILL HIM TEAM ROCKET! KILL HIM!
Rico explains that he is a Pokemon Hunter who works for the rich, catching Pokemon for them. At the moment he is being paid a pretty penny (all the ugly pennies have to sit at home and eat cookie dough) for every Poison Pokemon he catches. He's got two cages full of Ekans and Koffings now, and he is even willing to let Team Rocket off easy.... if they give him Arbok and Weezing. It seems he gets a bonus for every evolved Pokemon he finds too.
But Jesse and James aren't about to just hand over their Pokemon, even if Weezing is a horrible abomination that mocks the memory of the merry Koffing. As Rico sends in Fearow to use Quick Attack, Arbok fires a Poison Sting and Weezing uses Sludge Attack. But Fearow dodges both and tries Drill Peck, only to have Arbok wrap its tail around Fearow's beak, leaving it completely defenceless.
Rico reacts quickly, recalling Fearow to its Pokeball and sending out Pupitar, a hideously ugly Metapod clone that fires a Sandstorm Team Rocket and sends them blasting off again!
Already!
The sad Ekans and Koffing (BASTARD! SOMEONE KILL RICO) stare at their would-be rescuers as Rico smirks, stating that Arbok and Weezing were so weak as to be not worth capturing anyway.
Meanwhile Ash and Company have led Officer Jenny to where they found the nets and spear-ends. Officer Jenny explains that the nets are used to immobilise the Pokemon (Clap clap, Sherlock Holmes would be proud) the Poacher wants to catch. Max suddenly notices tire tracks by the tree that they didn't notice when they were there earlier and Brock suggests that the tire tracks left at an unclear time by a car capable of going at an average speed of 80-120 kilometres per hour "can't have gotten far".
well certainly not so far that one adult and four kids can't catch up to it.
As Ash declares they will search from the air, we return to Team Rocket (hooray!) who are sitting bruised, battered and pissed off at their beating.
"I hate men like that!" hisses Jesse as Meowth sits with his tail between his legs caressing it (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!), "I'm going to tear him AND that overblown ego limb from limb!"
James retorts that Rico can't be so tough if he hides behind his Pupitar (all men do, though, don't they though.... aye they do, they do) and it is time for a classic Team Rocket sting operation! But before they can set up a fake bookies office and get on board a train to get in a Poker Game... Kakuna and Beedrill drop from the trees and give chase!
Team Rocket take off with the Beedrill chasing, and from the bushes ahead of them emerges a bizarre green Pokemon. Round shaped and green with a little golden crowd and club like arms and tiny triangular legs, the... "cactus thing" has round black eyeholes and a number of "mouths" that form a grin. It should be horrific but somehow it is cute.... but it is also in Team Rocket's way!
The Cacnea (Yes, it really is a Cactus Thing!) hears Jesse tell it to get out of the way, but instead it lifts those club like arms and the needles on it begin to glow.... then fire like a tommy-gun, peppering the Beedrill swarm and sending them charging off in the opposite direction.
Team Rocket are safe for the moment, and James in particular thanks Cacnea for helping. But it is back to the matter at hand; they MUST get revenge on that Poacher and free those Ekans and Koffing! But surely the poacher is long gone now?
Luckily for them, the writers of the show appear to have remembered some basic animal science, as Arbok drops to the ground to listen for sound/vibrations in the earth. Cacnea pops up beside James to watch with the others and James offers it a bag of cookies as a thank you for the help.
Arbok pops up, having heard the jeep, and Team Rocket head off after it, James calling, "TOODLE LOO!" back at Cacnea, that stares after the departing trio.
Meanwhile Taillow has spotted the cage on the back of Rico's jeep, now containing all of the Koffings and Ekans together. It heads off to tell the twerps and Officer Jenny.
Rico continues driving along, pulling to a stop as Arbok rips out of the earth in front of them. He jumps out, guessing correctly it is the same Arbok from earlier. But as he prepares to capture it, smoke envelops him, coming directly from the mouth of Weezing.
Jesse and James smirk, asking Rico if he remembers "them" too. And the watching Ekans and Koffing once again find hope, the little Koffings smiling with the infectious forever joy of the Koffing! Rico orders his Fearow to blow away the smoke, and when it does Rico discovers a grinning Meowth standing by the cage picking the lock with a claw. Prepared this time for the electric bars, Meowth proclaims that the electricity is nothing compared to the attacks he is used to getting from Pikachu.
Rico is outraged, how dare they steal what he stole! He orders Fearow to Drill Peck Meowth (on the first date, too!) but Arbok Headbutts the freaky-necked bird into the cage where it is electrocuted and knocked out of the battle. Meowth picks the lock and the Koffing smile! Grinning with joy as Koffings must, the Koffing and Ekans begin piling out of the cage. Rico prepares to fire a net at them but before he can he is hit with a Poison Sting and Sludge Attack from Arbok and Weezing.
The gun flies from his hands and James and Jesse mockingly laugh at him, Meowth declaring that now the Ekans and Koffing (joyfully floating behind Weezing) are coming with them.
But Rico looks to be turning as green as his hair with hulk-like anger.... he's so angry that they've left him no choice, it's time to repeat a move he already did earlier in the episode!
Gasp!
He calls out Pupitar.... but as it comes out something happens.... it begins to glow and grow larger, and as a shocked Team Rocket look on and Rico cackles, Pupitar evolves into TYRANITAR!
Yes Tyranitar, the most overhyped Pokemon since Dragonite! Looking like a fat, short Godzilla, Tyranitar thrusts out its belly and roars with fury. But Team Rocket aren't letting this stop them, Weezing uses Smoke Screen and Tyranitar can't see a thing, giving the Ekans and Koffings a chance to run at Meowth's command. But Rico isn't letting them get away that easily and orders Tyranitar to use Hyperbeam. The fat Pokemon lets loose with a massive blast of energy that smashes into the ground ahead of the fleeing Ekans and Koffings, blocking off their escape.
"I know just how to handle men like these!" smirks Jesse.
"Tell me, please!" begs James.
!
Jesse tells Wobbuffet to get up there, showing a remarkable grasp of strategy. So what if Tyranitar has Hyper-Beam, the more powerful it is the more damage it will do to itself if it attacks Wobbuffet. Wobbuffet knows this and proudly poses with heroic intent before Team Rocket.... forgetting to use Counter and getting blasted to the ground by a Hyper-Beam!
Suddenly Team Rocket's protection is completely gone and they find themselves facing the full fury of Tyranitar, which immediately lets loose with another Hyperbeam.
Far off in another part of the forest, the twerps and Officer Jenny notice smoke from a rising explosion and correctly guess it involves the poacher, they head off towards the site.
And at the site? Rico stares down the battered Team Rocket and tells them it is their fault for making this so difficult. They could have just handed over their Pokemon to him and that would have been the end of that, but instead they had to make it difficult.... well now he is going to take their Pokemon anyway, and there is nothing they can do about it!
Jesse and James exchange a grim look and nod, then turn and give their final orders to Arbok and Weezing, the Pokemon that have been with them since Day Damn One.
Those orders? To take the Ekans and the sad little Koffing into the forest, to protect them and help them grow big and strong, to make all the little Koffing full of the joy and excitement we have come to expect from Koffing! Arbok and Weezing are taken aback at this order and refused, tears steaming down their faces, but Jesse and James are adamant, it is time to go!
Finally Arbok and Weezing - two Pokemon that loved their trainers so much they evolved from the beloved forms they originally came in - acknowledge the command and they turn to leave. But Rico still has a part to play in all this and orders Tyranitar to fire another Hyperbeam at them. Before it can though, Meowth zooms through the air and hits the big lizard with Fury Swipes, sending it staggering backwards with eyes squeezed shut. Meowth grins at the ease of his victory.... and then Tyranitar opens its eyes and blasts Meowth with a Hyper-Beam!
Arbok and Weezing watch in horror, but Jesse, James and Meowth aren't done yet and in the most desperate move ever.... they throw down with Tyranitar!
Yes, Jesse and James both throw their own "Fury Swipes" into the battle, attacking a 6'7", 445 pound lizard with their fists and feet. They obviously aren't too successful, but as Tyranitar continues to smash them into the ground again and again, Arbok and Weezing watch with tears, then turn and take the opportunity that is being won for them by the distraction and sadly lead the Ekans and little Koffing into the forest to discover freedom, peace and joy. The smoke clears, Tyranitar stands triumphantly over a battered and beaten Jesse, James and Meowth. Rico grins and returns the lizard to its Pokeball before grabbing his net rifle and starting toward the forest to capture Arbok, Weezing, the Ekans and all the little Koffing. Nothing will stop him; nothing will hinder his progress, nothing.....
NOTHING BUT TEAM FUCKING ROCKET!
Despite numerous Hyperbeams and physical beatings from Tyranitar; Jesse, James and Meowth reach up and grab Rico around the ankles and tell him they're not going to let him capture their friends. Rico smirks and kicks them away, heading into the forest as Meowth groans, "Fury Swiiiiipes," and they all collapse at last.
But Team Rocket have bought the most important asset they could provide Arbok and Weezing, and that is time. As Rico heads into the forest, the first thing he walks into is the twerps. Spotting him, Officer Jenny makes to arrest him, only to have the arrogant Poacher pull out Fearow and.... Pikachu thunderbolts it into unconsciousness!
A shocked Rico grabs Tyranitar's Pokeball to put a quick stop to this, but instead Jenny's Growlithe leaps up and smacks the net rifle and Pokeball from his hand, leaving him weaponless. Jenny demands he release all of his kidnapped Pokemon no, but Rico just snaps that they're too late. Some "fools" already freed all of his Pokemon, a statement that leads Ash to declare that with jerks like Team Rocket out in the world, it is nice to know there are still some good people around.
Oh Goddammit Ash.
As the sun sets on another day of adventure in the Hoenn Region; Jesse, James and Meowth stagger through the forest. James is worried about Arbok and Weezing, as is Jesse, but Meowth insists that all that battling with Pikachu has made them tough as nails, they'll be fine.
As they stand about, Cacnea suddenly hops up besides them still clutching the cookies James gave it earlier. They stare in surprise down at the odd looking Pokemon which offers the bag up at them, and James drops to a knee to open the bag and assure Cacnea that the cookie is for it. Cacnea eats the cookie and then grins with the delight and joy of a rescued little Koffing. James asks Cacnea if it would like to come along with them (hey it took care of those Beedrill pretty damn quickly!) and it happily agrees. Such joy! Arbok and Weezing are gone but have left in a heartfelt moment with a noble goal, to return the joy to little baby Koffing! And now Team Rocket have a new friend, the bizarre Cacnea that leaps into James' arm against a white backdrop of friendship and.... the needles on its arms press into James' skin and make him squeal like a girl.
James squealing like a girl.... at the end of the day, Gentle Dodgers, isn't that what it is all about?
KOFFING!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I'm not happy!""Did they transfer you from Oldale, Nurse Joy?" "Man, that hoit!" "Those poor Ekans were pilfered by some poacher!""We're creating the world's largest Ekans army!" "KOFFING!""Weezing and I are like brothers!""You bad poacher man, you!""Koff!" "I know just how to handle men like this!""Tell me, please!"
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