276: In the Knicker of Time
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Yes, Ash is locked in a Pokemon Battle!
So what amazing new Hoenn Pokemon is the other trainer using? Is it a Zigzagoon? Or maybe a Treecko? Or perhaps the mighty Blazikern!?!?
Nope, it's a Beedrill.
Yep, one of the Pokemon we first saw back in EPISODE FREAKING ONE!
Perhaps Pikachu is feeling as ripped off as we are, because it makes short work of Beedrill and Thunderbolts it into submission. The trainer congratulates Beedrill on taking an asswhomping of heroic proportions, then shakes hands with Ash and tells him it was a great battle.
Watching from the sidelines, Max agrees. But perhaps surprisingly, so does May! It seems that she has gained an appreciation for Pokemon....
In The Knicker Of Time.
The twerps (yes, Brock is back and they're The Twerps again!) continue on through the forest, with Brock explaining to May that Pokemon training is all about making new friends. Ash concurs, saying that if you're not meeting new people and making new friends, what is the point of going on the journey in the first place?
But Max is concerned with more important things, like the fact that Ash wasted a ton of energy in his battle! He explains to an astonished Ash that he should have used Quick Attack to avoid Twin Needle, and when Ash explains that just charging into battle isn't the best idea (this from the master of the run and yell technique) Max offhandly dismisses him, saying that Ash is still 'in training'.
Ash is about to explode at the little know-it-all when suddenly Pikachu gets their attention and points to a bush from which emerges a giant racoon-like Pokemon that charges past. Max is ecstatic, it's a Zigzagoon and it's much larger than a Zigzagoon is supposed to be. Brock ponders if Zigzagoon's diet has something to do with it, but then they notice the large Pokemon crouching down in bushes watching a large group of smaller Zigzagoon (STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!) and Ash consults Dextina to find out about the odd looking Pokemon.
"Zigzagoon, the tiny racoon Pokemon," says Dextina, applying a description using a creature that doesn't exist in the Pokemon world. Apparently Zigzagoon are curious, and will walk in a zigzag path so they can explore things of interest to them.
The small Zigzagoon are in fact exploring, watching a Sentrit and some Pinser in a tree when suddenly the large Zigzagoon rises up on two feet, roars and tears the flesh from his body to reveal a human!
"AAAARGH!" scream the twerps.
"HE DISGUISED HIMSELF AS A HUMAN!" squeals May.
"You want to take another whack at that one, sis," grunts Max, "Coz it really IS a human."
"I didn't know Zigzagoon could evolve into humans," she gasps.
"Are we really related?" sighs Max.
Meanwhile the Zigzagoon/man is demanding a Pokemon battle, and prepares to call out Mudkip when suddenly May and Max interupt him, Max pointing out to May that the stranger is, indeed, a human. But May isn't convinced and grabs him by the side of the face, tugging to make sure that everything is on the up and up.
The curious Zigzagoon, in the meantime, find nothing curious about this bizarre scene and wander off.
The trainer is furious at being interupted and twists around, roaring at them that they've cost him his chance.... and then suddenly he casts his eyes down May's body, then Max's...
STRANGER DANGER!
before homing in on their knees and proclaiming that they're both wearing knickers!
British dodgers are pissing themselves laughing now. 'Knickers' is British English for undies you see. Undies!
Yes, May and Max are wearing knickers, which means they're JUST LIKE HIM!
Ash and Brock step up as well, though neither of them are wearing 'knickers' which appear to be this strange man's word for shorts. They ask him who he is and he proclaims that he is known by many names, sometimes as ZIGZAGOON! (he puts on his Zigzagoon costume), sometimes as Tentacruel! (he puts on his Tentacruel outfit) and other times as the dancing Bellossum (he puts on his Bellossum costume) but his real name is NIKOLAI THE KNICKERBOCKER! He is a naturalist (!) trainer who embraces nature while at the same time exposing his knees, and given the lewd exposure of May and Max's knees, they too are just like him!
Oh sweet Jesus, he's a furry.
May and Max introduce themselves, then Ash and Brock follow suit. Nikolai proclaims that he is happy to meet May and Max.... and leaves it at that. As Ash and Brock crumple in dismay at Nikolai's outrageous rudeness, Nikolai tells May and Max that their names are perfect for a couple of knickerbockers. May insists that she isn't wearing any knickers....
Good lord girl, you're going to get us all arrested.
....and Nikolai tells her not to get her knickers in a twist. Brock asks why he wears a Zigzagoon costume and Nikolai explains that he feels he needs to understand the inner mind of the Pokemon he wants to capture.
Oh sweet Jesus, he IS a furry.
Nikolai is on his way to Petalburg to challenge the Gym Leader there but before going he wants to pick up a Zigzagoon. But his plans soon change when he discovers that May and Max are the children of the Petalburg Gym Leader, and immediately demands a battle to test his skills against them. May is nervous and none too keen to fight, but Max insists she defend the family honour and when Nikolai asks if she is frightened she angrily agrees to the fight. For once Ash is the voice of reason and suggests it might not be a good idea to fight, but Brock says it will be good experience, and soon May finds herself in a clearing in the forest preparing to battle it out in her first Pokemon battle.
She is excited, nervous and determined not to make a fool of herself.
She can't believe she is finally going to have her first Pokemon battle, and is just disappointed that it is against such a weirdo.
Don't worry May, you'll find all of your first times are likely to be disappointing.
Nikolai sends out Mudkip to battle after Brock - acting as referee - proclaims the rules of the match to be one on one, both Pokemon hit each other until one can't get up again. Ash is excited to see the Mudkip, and gets a reading from Dextina on the kittenish Pokemon.
"Mudkip, the mudfish, Pokemon. Mudkip uses, the sensitive fin, on its head, to take radar readings, of its surroundings."
Nikolai then does his first move of the match.... he puts on a Mudkip outfit! Ash and Max gape in horror at this rampant display of cosplay, then Brock reminds May that to battle she actually has to bring out a Pokemon. She calls out Torchic and Nikolai is shocked, who the hell would use a Fire Pokemon against a Water Pokemon!?!
But Ash has made a history of using Pokemon in an assbackwards fashion and pulling it off, he tells Max that if May uses strategy she can overcome the inherent weakness and turn it into a strength. Max points out sardonically that this is MAY they're talking about and then the battle is on!
Well, kind of, May tells Torchic to start attacking, and then stands grimly as Torchic nods and waits for the command of which attack to use.... and waits, and waits, and waits..... then turns with a sweatdrop and stares in horror at May, who has once again forgotten how to battle.
Getting the message, May has Torchic use Ember but Mudkip's Water Gun smashes right through it. May is not perturbed though and tells Torchic to follow up with Peck, and the tiny bird charges forward with a roar as Max screams not to attack head on. Mudkip opens its mouth and lets loose another Water Gun that blasts Torchic backwards and crashing through the grass. May drops onto all fours (oh come on, Gentle Dodgers, that gutter is no place to leave your mind) and begs Torchic to get up, but the battle is over and Mudkip and the bizarre Knickerbocker Nikolai have won.
May loses her first battle!
As Brock assures May that Torchic will be fine after a rest, Nikolai stomps up and obliviously insults May and her family with absolutely no malice of forethought. He declares that he never thought she would be so bad and that getting a badge from Norman will be a piece of cake. Again, all of this is said in a cheerful, non-confrontational manner.
He's not a jerk, he's just a douche!
Max demands that Nikolai take it back, but Nikolai is already off in his own bizarre knees-exposing, naturalist world. He bids farewell to his 'fellow knickerbockers' and then heads off with Mudkip on his shoulder as Max seethes with fury.
Creepy furry bastard.
But Nikolai's departure is watched not just by the twerps, but by our own Team Rocket who are impressed with Mudkip and convinced - once again - that THIS is the Pokemon that'll lift them up the corporate ladder so fast that they'll get rungburn!
May, meanwhile, is still distraught at getting thrashed in her very first battle, especially considering that it was that naturalist knickerbocker goofball! She walks along behind Ash and Brock who try to convince her that she's inexperienced and was at a type-disadvantage, but she continues to seethe and snaps that she hopes her Dad pounds the crap out of him, right Max!
Max?
Max is gone!
Well, not quite, he's actually stalking the naturalist Knickerbocker (which is probably a turnaround, usually it's the creepy naturalist knickerbocker who likes wearing animal costumes that stalks the little boys), angry at the offhand comments made about his father.
Nikolai is dressed in his full body fursuit again (he also likes getting into giant piles of other knickerbockers who then scratch each other) and wanders through the forest tossing out orange fruit and crying out like a Zigzagoon. Max watches from behind a tree, spotting the fruit and recognising that it is a type of fruit that Zigzagoon love to eat. Determined to get one over on Nikolai, he rushes around and gathers up a huge amount of the orange berry/fruits to attract the Zigzagoon to him instead. Unfortunately his plan works a little too well and he suddenly finds himself surrounded by a large number of hungry, happy Zigzagoon that mobs him into a little fur pile.
AHHH! This is what Nikolai was hoping for when he said he wanted to understand the 'heart' of Pokemon.
But the rest of the twerps arrive on the scene in time to save Max from getting 'yiffed' to death, and the Zigzagoon are scared off by a Thundershock from Pikachu. But then they surround them again and Pikachu prepares to blast them away when Max explains they just want the fruit. Brock tries to offer the last of the fruit Max had with him to the Zigzagoon, but they kick sand up in his face, apparently irritated at having their way of life called into question. Is this it then? Is the end result of all Ash's adventures to be crushed to death by a giant furpile.
Well, at least one 45 year old potbellied bearded dude who was born with 'the spirit of the bear' probably always hoped so. But thankfully for the rest of us it is not to be.
Nikolai appears dressed in his Zigzagoon costume and cries out to the Zigzagoon to follow him, then takes off with them in pursuit. The twerps follow and Nikolai arrives in a area thick with fruit trees that Mudkip then WaterGuns, knocking fruit loose which the Zigzagoon chow down on.
Yep, Nikolai figures that if anyone is going to be covered in a furpile, it's him!
The twerps thank him for helping them and Nikolai retorts that Knickerbockers have to look out for themselves, then suggestively winks at Max. But the young boy is immune to subtext and apologises to Nikolai, explaining to the confused and oblivious knickerbocker that he is the one who took the fruit. Nikolai just thinks it is funny and then Max begs to know how he learnt to talk Zigzagoon! Well Nikolai explains that you just have to talk from the heart and the Pokemon will understand you, which confuses May but makes sense to Ash and Brock. May has trouble enough learning the attack names, let alone talking with the heart!
To demonstrate what he means, Nikolai leaps up and cries out for a Pokemon battle with the largest of the Zigzagoon currently eating. It agrees and they battle, Nikolai changing into his Mudkip outfit and ordering Mudkip to use Water Gun. But the attack misses and Zigzagoon slams Mudkip over, but it is soon back up and they dodge and jump around each other before Mudkip leaps high and blasts Zigzagoon with a Water Gun and Nikolai captures it with a Pokeball.
But celebrations are shortlived, a mechanical claw suddenly reaches out and grabs Mudkip around the waist, hauling it up into the air where a giant balloon floats in the air.
A happy balloon.
A Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon.
Team Rocket!
"Prepare for trouble, I know who I am!"
"And make it double, with your Knickerbocker scam!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now with your exposed knees, or prepare to fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
"WOBBBBB-UFFFFFETT!"
Nikolai demands they give back Mudkip but oddly enough Team Rocket don't immediately see the error of their ways and give up a life of crime.
"I wear full-length pants but I'm still a naturalist," says James, who apparently likes the au natural feel at the beach, "I'm just naturally dishonest!"
Meowth isn't even wearing pants, but he's a natural thief!
Ash decides to end this poorly acted farce early and has Pikachu use Thundershock, but Team Rocket are prepared and let loose a reflecting dish from the base of their carrybasket which reflects the attack back and explodes the ground in front of the twerps, while Team Rocket head off in their balloon.
But Nikolai isn't done yet, he whips off his Mudkip outfit and replaces it with an Aipom one (THERE IS A HAND COMING OUT OF HIS ASS!) before giving chase. The Zigzagoon watch him run, then begin to scratch at the ground as the twerps (whose own Pokemon are safe so they could give a shit about chasing) watch.
Reaching the top of a cliff, Nikolai whips off the Aipom outfit and pulls on a Gligar one, then soars through the air after the balloon and grabs Mudkip out of the cage in James' hands. Team Rocket stare in shock then cry out in outrage at this 'theft' before Taillow swoops up from Ash and pecks a hole into the balloon, sending Team Rocket crashing conveniently into the hole dug by the Zigzagoon in the space of 35 seconds.
Even further outraged by the theft of their patented pitfall trap, Team Rocket haul themselves out to teach the twerps a lesson. Arbok and Weezing are called out, trying a combination Poison String and Sludge attack that Pikachu dodges with a Quick Attack before tackling them both into Team Rocket.
Nikolai arrives just in time to see them smashed into the ground and then Thunderbolted by Pikachu, sending them blasting off again!
Impressed by Ash's tactics, Nikolai proclaims the unintentionally hilarious line, "That sure was some pretty slick battling for someone who doesn't wear knickers!"
Ash affects modesty for a change, telling Nikolai that his battling skills weren't good enough to beat the Petalburg Gym Leader. Nikolai is surprised by this, and finally considers that maybe winning a badge won't be as easy as he was hoping. May is happy to talk up how cool her father is (she has some daddy issues) and Max then informs Nikolai that while May might be lame (!) his Dad is the bees knees.
Well, that's that then, and there is only one way to settle things now, Nikolai requests and is granted a Pokemon Battle against Ash. The battle kicks off between Zigzagoon and Taillow, both of which are new to their respective trainers, which in a way makes this Ash and Nikolai's "first" battle. We don't get to see the outcome, just an enraptured Max and a pleased May.
Our guess, Gentle Dodgers? Nikolai may be a nice guy beneath the oblivious bluster, but at the end of the way he's a freaky furry weirdo with a raccoon fighting a drunken Scottish bird and its intensely stubborn trainer.
Ash better have kicked his ass!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I didn't know Zigzagoon could evolve into humans." "I'll have you know, we own the Copyright on pitfall traps, young man!" "And you're looking at a lawsuit!""We are not wearing knickers!""I wear full length pants, but I'm still a naturalist""Torchic, start attacking!" |
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