274: There's no Place Like Hoenn
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Ash is at Petalburg City!
Wow!
Back during the Johto episodes, Ash would take 10, 20, 30, 475 episodes at a time between cities. But in the three episodes since he got to Hoenn he has been in three different cities/towns. Littleroot, Olddale and now Petalburg!
Wow!!!
This is a refreshing change of pace and even more refreshing is that now that Ash is at the outskirts of the city he is ready to charge in and get straight to the gym!
May staggers up behind Ash and demands to know what the big fat hurry is. He grins and tells her its Gym Match time, his first Hoenn Gym! He charges off with Pikachu and a huffing, puffing May sighs at her inability to slow him down.
Sorry May, but while your rather obvious, ahem, assets blinker and blind the average male, Ash is just too stupid, young and eager to notice. He's looking to make up for the horrors of Johto with forward progress in Hoenn, and amen. To that, Gentle Dodges, we say....
There's No Place Like Hoenn.
Ash and May settle down in a playground once they arrive in Petalburg City, where May asks Ash is Petalburg City is really such a big deal? Well for Ash it is! He explains that once he wins a battle at Petalburg he will get a badge, and if he gets eight badges then he will be able to compete in the Hoenn League!
May, who looks like she may have done some ho'ing of her own in the past, figures that is pretty neat, and Ash laughs and says that she must want to battle in the Hoenn League too. Eyes widening in surprise, May quickly assures him that she does want to battle in the Hoenn League when of course all she REALLY wants to do is travel. She's just using Pokemon as an excuse to do it.
Ash mutters to himself that he wished he knew more about the Petalburg Gym Leader, and when May accidentally lets slip that she knows the Gym Leader's gender at least Ash demands to know what she knows. May assures him she doesn't know the Gym Leader very well at all, just that he's tall, kind, strong and very, very handsome!
"Sounds like you know him pretty well," grunts Ash.
May insists that she only WISHED she knew the Gym Leader better - which might drive anyone else insane with jealousy but falls on deaf ears in terms of Ash, who actually offers that she come with him and meet the Gym Leader!. But she declares that she has to go.... do stuff.... and takes off with a wave. Pikachu waves happily goodbye while Ash stares in confusion. The last time someone had to do 'stuff' was when Brock disappeared randomly on him one episode, just where the hell does all this 'stuff' happen?
But regardless, this is Hoenn, not Johto! Ash heads off to the Gym to face his first Gym Match and win the first of the eight badges he needs! He heads to the Gym and calls for a battle, but the place seems to be empty. He cries out for someone, anyone to come out and battle.... and a leprechaun arrives to grant his wish.
Or rather, a small boy wearing the types of shorts only small boys can wear. He's also in a bright green short sleeved top with a white collared shirt underneath and has giant framed glasses that Milhouse would be proud of.
He demands that Ash shut up, he's TRYING to watch a video of the Silver Conference. Suddenly his eyes widen and he points dramatically at Ash.
"WOW! IT'S REALLY YOU!" he cries in a nasal voice.
"That's right," agrees Ash in confusion, "But how do you know me?"
"You were in the Johto League Silver Conference," the kid (about 6-7 years old maybe, possibly eight), "You lost in the second round!"
Ash collapses to his knees and hangs his head in shame.
"Hold on, your name... don't tell me....your name.... is Al!"
"It's actually Ash," sighs Ash, hanging his head lower.
The kid - who introduces himself as Max - explains that he's actually a big fan of Ash's and was on the edge of his seat during Ash's second round knockout. Ash tersely explains that it was the second round of the Victory Round which was a huge effort.
Speaking of huge efforts, apparently the animators have tuckered themselves out drawing May twiddling her fingers earlier so we get too watch about a minute of old animation from the Johto Silver Conference and the battle between Blazikern and Charizard. Max was incredibly impressed by the way that Charizard and Blazikern kept taking hit after hit after hit and getting back up until finally Charizard collapsed (though Blazikern was down moments later and had to miss the next match while Charizard was back in top form the very next day, plus once he defeated a Magmar in the VERY HEART OF THE VOLCANO ITSELF!). Max then grins at Ash and says that he is sure Ash would do things differently if he could and 'use' Charizard more effectively.... why in fact if Max had fought the battle then he would have won!
A furious Ash roars at Max that there is a difference between watching a battle and actually taking part in one. Max smirks and asks Ash if he's maybe being a little defensive, and Ash loses his rag and roars that he came to fight the Gym Leader, so bring him the GYM LEADER!
And it's Max.
Yes, glasses reflecting light to give him a demonic appearance, Max proclaims that HE is the Petalburg Gym Leader! He is the law AND the lash! The Alpha and the Omega! The.... well, you get the point.
The camera pulls to a wide angle shot of the battle arena of the Gym, Ash and Max standing facing each other dramatically.... then Ash laughs and asks who the Gym Leader REALLY is.
Now it is Max's turn to lose his rag, as he roars that he IS the Gym Leader and if Ash doesn't think Max has got what it takes then he'll prove otherwise. He rushes to one end of the Gym Arena and Ash shrugs and decides, what the hell! He asks Max what the rules of 'his' Gym are, and is informed it will be a three on three battle. Ash grimaces to himself, he still only has Pikachu with him, which means he'll have to fight a three on one battle. Max asks to see his Pokemon and Ash responds that Max should be the one to show his Pokemon first, but Max insists that he outranks Ash as Gym Leader so therefore Ash must show his Pokemon first. But Ash isn't giving in and neither is Max, and they thrust their faces together (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA) and growl and hiss at each other on their knees against the backdrop of a window.... and May pops up in the window.
"Hi Max," she says, "What's going on here?"
"Oh..." says Max, "Hi there, Sis."
"YOUR SISTER?!?" squeals Ash.
"Well then, who have we here?" asks a tall, strong, kind looking and handsome man sliding into the window beside her.
"HELLO!" proclaims a happy woman popping in from the other side.
Ash demands to know who the hell all these people are, and Max giggles nervously.
A little later everyone is settled down on locker-room benches and introductions are made. The man that May was making disturbingly romantic/dreamy comments about is Norman, and he's her father. The wo...
Her father.
The guy she was mooning over earlier and calling kind, strong and handsome.
Her Dad.
Pops.
Mister May's Father Man.
Anyways, the woman is Carolyn and Ash has already met Max (oh boy he has, Ash even shakes his fist and everything, like an old man with kids in his yard). Norman and Carolyn thank Ash for getting May safely back home and Ash insists that he did nothing, but then they ask what happened to her bike. Those tired animators get another break as more stock footage of Pikachu destroying May's bike is played, and Ash again apologises. But Norman seems indifferent, a bike can be replaced and Carolyn thinks that walking is healthier for you anyway.
They ask May what Pokemon she actually got and she decides it would be better to show them then tell them. She then gets up and calls out Torchic by name (kind of defeating the purpose) doing a little pose that includes stretching her leg up to her shoulder.
Ten years old, Gentle Dodgers, and she loves her Daddy very much.... maybe too much.
Torchic pops out and Max is horrified, dropping down to look directly into its face where he declares that if it had of been him, he would have chosen a Treecko.
Well, Torchic doesn't take too kindly to this and shows its feelings by leaping up and beginning to viciously peck Max who screams in terror. Everyone just kind of watches without doing anything (Ash grinning evilly, quite pleased with the situation) then Norman tells May that Torchic is a fine choice, and Carolyn says it's cute. Max however mutters that he can't wait to get his own Pokemon, and he'd make sure it was a Treecko. Immediately Torchic sets to a pecking again, once more ignored by everyone as Ash is invited to lunch.
At lunch, Carolyn eyes up a prospective son-in-law in Ash and asks him to talk about himself. He explains that he has been travelling for some time now and been to all kinds of places.... but is he some kind of loner freak? Carolyn must know and pushes the issue. Ash explains how he travelled with his best friends ever (who just up and left him a few episodes ago) and Pikachu of course, all the time being interrupted by Max who whines that he wishes he could travel around and capture Pokemon and one day maybe have friends. May speaks up to tell Norman (who is looking more and more like Gary Cole with every passing second) that Ash wants to have a Gym Battle, which Ash eagerly agrees with. He then asks the rules and Max horns in again to state that he already explained the rules, it must be a three on three battle.
Ash is aghast, he only has Pikachu. The idea of this fills Max with delight! Only one Pokemon!?! No wonder he only made it to the second round of the Johto Conference! Ash roars that it was the CHAMPIONSHIP LEAGUE and then cooler heads prevail as Norman inquires why Ash only has one Pokemon, if he took part in the Johto Conference then he must have had more.
Ash once again explains his heartless decision to dump all the Pokemon who love him in his home town and continue on only with Pikachu. Carolyn suggests that he get them transferred from the Pokemon Centre but Ash, heartlessly once more, insists that he wants to start afresh and only battle with Pokemon captured in Hoenn.
Plus his Super Saiyan Level 20 Pikachu, of course.
Norman thinks this is admirable (the kind of heartless cruelty that'll take you right to the top!) and agrees to let Ash battle him one on one, though it will not be an official Pokemon battle.
Well Ash is all for that, and before you can say Lickitysplit, they're in the battle arena!
Lickity splin the Battle Arena Ash and Norman face off. Max thinks Ash seems a little overconfident for someone with only one Pokemon (of course, Norman is only using one too) but Norman doesn't seem to be making any judgment calls. He sends out Vigoroth, a hideous combination of white ape and sloth standing almost five foot tall. Ash pulls out Dextina (doesn't have quite the same ring as whipping out Dexter, does it Gentle Dodgers) to get info on the bizarre Pokemon.
"Vigoroth, the wild Monkey, Pokemon. Vigoroth, is only comfortable, going berserk. Will destroy anything, in its path, by spinning both arms, and goes more berserk, when done."
The monstrosity lets loose a blood curdling roar and spins around 360 degrees, then roars even louder as Ash and Pikachu cringe in fright. Max's own bloodlust is up while May and Carolyn just look horrified. Vigoroth has two gigantic hooked claws at the end of each obscenely long, slab like arm. Norman roars for it to use Scratch (more likely to be a Gore attack) and Ash orders Pikachu to dodge. The two commands conflict and instead of an attempted scratch and attempted dodge, Vigoroth's hooked claws scoop Pikachu up and fling it across the arena, crashing into the floor.
But Pikachu is made of stern stuff and is back to its feet in a second. Once again Vigoroth tries to scratch Pikachu, who dodges and tries a Quick Attack, which misses and leaves Pikachu open for a vicious scratch. Watching from outside is Team Rocket, who are beginning to wonder if they really want to capture Pikachu after all. The natural nastiness of Vigoroth would make it much more of an asset to Team Rocket.... but if they capture it and give it to the Boss that'll be better! Jesse and James twist around to pose with Meowth, James ignoring the sudden loss of 80% of his right leg as they proclaim that capturing Vigoroth AND Pikachu would be even better... er!
Back inside Pikachu tries to Thunderbolt Vigoroth, but it dodges and once more tries to scratch Pikachu who dodges in turn and then slams into Vigoroth with a Quick Attack. Carolyn is impressed, she personally didn't think Ash stood a chance against "Dad's" Pokemon (either she's referring to Norman as Dad for the benefit of May and Max, or that family is REALLY fucked up) but Max never had any doubts, after all Ash did make it to the JOHTO LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND!
But apparently a chance isn't enough, as Vigoroth scratches Pikachu again, then head butts the fat rodent with vicious force and sends it flying across the arena and smashing into the wall where it leaves behind a shattered hole in the wall before collapsing to the ground defeated.
Ash done lost!
Luckily brutal internal damage is well known to repair itself within 15 seconds, as moments later Pikachu seems to be a-ok! Ash compliments Norman on the strength of his Vigoroth and then comments to Pikachu that Hoenn has some tough Pokemon. As if to prove how hardcore Hoenn really is, the wall spontaneously explodes, knocking Max onto his back like a turtle.
But no, apparently the wall isn't attempting to be a tough guy, nor has it declared Jihad on May's family after years of servitude. Rather, the wall was the victim of a preparation for trouble.
Double trouble!
"Prepare for trouble from a hole in the wall!" cries Jesse.
"Make it double, you're in for a brawl!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket makes a mad dash at the speed of light!" Jesse says, jogging against a pitiful backdrop of crayola scrawled stars and moons.
"Surrender to these great effects or prepare to fight!" adds James, who is turning the crank on the star backdrop as Jesse jogs on a conveyer belt.
"Meowth! Dat's right!" shouts Meowth, popping up wearing a cap with an r on it and holding up a sign with the same.
"TEAM ROCKET!" roars May dramatically, pointing at Team Rocket.
"Oh how sweet," smiles Carolyn happily, "It's always nice to meet your friends! Thank you so much for being there for my May!"
May is horrified, explaining that Team Rocket are villains. But Team Rocket actually seem oddly touched by the little bow Carolyn sent their way. They explain they aren't your normal, run of the mill criminals. No, they may steal from you, but they do it with panache.... service with a smile! But they're here to do a job, and that is steal Norman's Pokemon!
Jesse sends out Arbok and James sends out Weezing, the latter blasting the gym with smokescreen before Arbok head butts Pikachu. Vigoroth rushes in to attack but gets lost in the smoke, while Max admonishes May to get involved and send in Torchic. She does so, then stands with Torchic looking confused in the smoke while Max berates her to use an attack.... and as May tries to remember one Arbok swoops in and head butts Torchic!
Ash has no such problems, if there is one attack command he knows it is Thunderbolt, and he orders Pikachu to use it in the middle of the smoke clouded gym. A blast of electricity rocks the arena and there is a cry of pain.... Max just got Thunderbolted!
He coughs that it's one thing to see it on television and something else to get hit with one, he's impressed! The smoke clears and Team Rocket are gone, but Pikachu is still there and so is Vigoroth.... but Torchic is gone! They rush outside and watch as Team Rocket depart in the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon, Torchic struggling in a sack (if only it had some kind of firebased attack that could burn through the sack, but alas apparently Torchic is now a Water Pokemon.
May drops to her knees and shortly after Ash vows to find her Torchic for her (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!), having been moved by her sad cry that she only just got that Torchic.
Team Rocket land and stare down at the squirming sack, pleased to have finally captured Pikachu. Jesse pulls on some rubber gloves (reference material for many a 12 year old boys DeviantArt account) and reaches in to grab out... Torchic!
Jesse stares in surprise at the 'teensy' Pokemon and James peers closer, muttering that this won't do at all.... and Torchic becomes a Fire Pokemon again and blasts James in the face with an ember attack. Jesse tries to figure out what to do with Torchic, which definitely isn't Team Rocket material, while James smoulders quietly to her side. well, Torchic may not be Team Rocket material, but it can be used as bait to capture Pikachu and Vigoroth!
Meanwhile, Norman, Carolyn, Ash, May and Max are setting out to find Team Rocket. Norman suggests that he and Carolyn go off into the bushes alone (oh!) while Ash takes their nubile young daughter alone into the forest with only lil Max for a chaperone. Max begins scouting about on the ground with a magnifying glass, commenting that Team Rocket have left no tracks. May cattily suggests this may be because they escaped in a BALLOON and Max suddenly proclaims it is time to get the brain out of neutral and set about on a foolproof plan to find Torchic, and with Ash as his righthand man then....
May gently presses a fist softly into his hair and he collapses to the ground kicking and screaming and crying in terror. A horrified Ash (who is an only child) begs Max to stop crying but May snaps it's all a big fake anyway. Max is suddenly back to his feet and adjusting his glasses, commenting that he knew fake crying would stop being effective eventually.
Norman and Carolyn then tell them they've found Team Rocket's Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon, just appearing beside Ash and May as if they never left. Freakish vampire powers aside, Norman and Carolyn managed to find the Balloon before Ash, May and Max had even taken a step.
They suck!
They move to where the balloon is hidden and when May sees Torchic sitting sadly in a cage in front of it, her and Max charge ahead. They ignore Ash's cry that it may be a trap and fall directly into a hole in front of the balloon. Norman and Carolyn instantly charge up to help as well, ignoring Ash's cry that there may be another trap, and they fall into a hole that magically appears BEFORE the hole May and Max fell into.
Wow, the entire family sucks!
Luckily Ash has Bayleef, and as the camera zooms onto his ass and he reaches for the Pokeball.... then realises that he left Bayleef behind in Pallet Town.
Wow, Ash sucks too!
He rushes in to save May and Max and Team Rocket emerge, Jesse sending out Arbok to deal with them. Ash sends Pikachu off to deal with Arbok and then hauls May and Max out as Pikachu ends the world's longest jump and smashes headfirst into Arbok, sending it flying backwards. Norman and Carolyn haul themselves out of their pit and the furious Gym Leader roars at Team Rocket for daring not just to steal Pokemon, but his little girl's Pokemon!
"Looks like a big, bad, mad, Dad!" grins Jesse.
Meowth claims not to be scared but then Norman calls out Vigoroth to battle as Max sneaks up to the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and grabs Torchic's cage, then rushes it to May. She opens the top, pulls Torchic out and then thrusts it face first into her bosom where it struggles and kicks futilely for air as she weeps over how happy she is to have it back.
Worse ways to go, really.
Meanwhile Arbok has obviously been answering those spam mails promising to 'increase your length 75%' as it extends its tail waaaaay further than its own body length and wraps around Vigoroth. Pikachu slams into Arbok's back in an attempt to free Vigoroth while May finally comes into her own and orders Torchic to step in and save the day with an.... AMBER ATTACK!
But while America's preparation for a terrorist attack lifts up a notch, nothing else happens except a mushroom flies across the screen. In Japanese this probably made a lot of sense (the Japanese word for the Ember Attack sounds a lot like the Japanese word for mushroom apparently), here all we have is a random mushroom flying across the screen.... ain't it grand!
Max corrects her and May tries again, calling for Torchic to use Ember, and it does!
On Max.
Max lies smouldering on the ground moaning once again that he is impressed by the difference between seeing something on television and experiencing it firsthand. May tries to remember another attack and Max manages to gasp out Peck, so peck Torchic does!
On Max.
Max lies huddled over as Torchic pecks relentlessly into his ass (!) and he cries in horror. He's now experiencing something he probably wasn't going to see on television for another 10 years!
But regardless, Arbok finally releases Wrap as Pikachu head butts it, leaving Vigoroth free to viciously scratch it and send it crashing back into Team Rocket who collapse into the balloon. A quick Thunderbolt from Pikachu later and Team Rocket are blasting off again!
So ends another episode of Pokemon: Advanced. Ash's status is as it was at the beginning of the episode, he still has only one Pokemon and no badges. But as he prepares to say goodbye to Norman and Carolyn, it appears he has picked up something.
Jailbait.
Yes, May was initially along for the ride only to Petalburg City, because she needed a 'big strong man' to get her home safely. But now as Ash prepares to leave, May is going with him. Whether this stems from Norman and Carolyn wanting their daughter to have help on her 'Pokemon Journey' or because of May's unhealthy view of her Father is unclear. Max comments that with his brains he should go along for the ride.... and Norman and Carolyn say yes!
Yes apparently waiting till your kids are 10 to kick them out of the house is not enough in Hoenn, they're going to send Max (who can't be any older than eight years old at the furtherest stretch of the imagination) out into the wide world. Despite Ash and May's belligerent attitude towards Max throughout the entire episode, they both seem extremely pleased to have Max along for the ride. Norman then awards Ash and May for taking on the responsibilities of raising his son for him by giving them each a case to hold the Pokemon Badges they earn along the way.
Ash is ecstatic, May less so (remember folks, she actually could care less about going on a 'Pokemon Journey' even if she does like Torchic) but Max seems positively distraught. But Norman has something for him too, a PokeNav (or Pokemon Navigator) which will keep them from ever getting lost.
They say their goodbyes to Norman and Carolyn (who are probably going to push the beds together TONIGHT!) and head off into the unknown. A 6-8 year old nerd in search of a mentor, a 10 year old piece of jailbait in search of a sugardaddy and a 13 year old kid who just doesn't get it in need of someone to keep him clothed and fed.
Hell Gentle Dodgers, when you look at their party in that light you have to wonder.... why the hell did Brock have to stay in Kanto!
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