272: Get the Show on the Road
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Well my goodness, what's this? Today's episode begins not with Ash at all, but a slender young woman of around 16, well developed and riding a bike merrily through the woods. Who is she? Some random 'character of the day' or maybe something more? The only way to find out is watch (and read!), so watch now as the young girl rides her bike and ponders on her own the answers to the questions we were asking.
"Hi, my name's May," says the young woman as she eagerly jumps the slope of the road,"And I'm ten years old!"
TEN YEARS OLD! Quick lads, pants up and whistle tunelessly while looking at the ceiling!
"I'm on my way to meet my Dad's friend, Professor Birch," continues the deceptively well developed ten year old in an internal monologue, "And to get my beginner's Pokemon. Then I can begin my journey as a Pokemon Trainer!"
Ahhh, so here we have a young girl (not a woman at all) beginning her Pokemon journey like so many others before her. Dressed in tight black/blue bike shorts and a figure hugging red top that does little to protect the weak minds of perverted anime fiends, May is a brunette with two long fringes of hair running down to shoulder length beneath a red and white bandanna. While not showing as much skin as previous female characters like Misty, the way she wears it seems designed to get the attention of boys much older than ten.
Just remember fellas, 10 will get you 20.
"But just between you and me," the outrageous piece of jailbait offers slyly, "What I'm more interested in is travelling and seeing new places!"
She spots Littleroot Town ahead of her and smiles, and then a bizarre new Pokemon flies up beside her and hisses its name, "DUSKULL!"
May squeals in horror, eyes growing comically wide as the Duskull paces her. She pulls the bike up into a wheelie and humps against the seat (well... you wouldn't?) as she skids downhill and smashes face first into a tree trunk.
Duskull looks down at her prostrate form, but doesn't take the (jail)bait, flying off as May groans in pain, having already muttered that she should have worn a helmet. She continues on up the next hill, the bike wobbling slightly as she makes a revelation we never thought we'd hear from anyone on this show about a Pokemon obsessed world where everything revolves around semi-sentient animals beating the shit out of each other.
"The truth is," she mutters, "I don't like Pokemon."
!
She pulls up to the edge of a cliff and looks down on a picture-postcard scene, telling us all that she might not like Pokemon, but she loves the travelling. Littleroot town sits on the other end of the harbour, and pulling into it is a ferry that we suspect carries on it, why what else but....
....A kid from Pallet Town with a brand new world to see, he don't know what's ahead but it won't get the best of him. There's so much to learn, and battles to be won, he's advanced so far but still therešs always more to come. He'll take a step and he's on his way, gonna start all over again. He wants to be a Hero HEEEERO Pokemon Advanced (he's on his way), he wants to be a hero HEEERO give him just one chance and the future will decide, if therešs a hero buried deep inside. He wants to be a hero.
Pokemon!
And thus, with Pokemon Advanced upon us, Gentle Dodgers, it's time to....
Get The Show On The Road!
Now the show begins as per usual, with Ash and Pikachu preparing for a new adventure. The difference this time is that Ash appears to have Pikachu swaddled up like a baby and is crooning over it. But no, Ash hasn't suddenly decided to play Mummy with Pikachu, Pikachu is sick! The effect of the giant magnet from the last episode has left it sick, feverish and randomly discharging red energy. Ash promised Pikachu that as soon as they get to Littleroot Town, the first thing they will do is get to a Pokemon Centre and get Pikachu healed up.
Elsewhere on the ship we find Team Rocket, freed from the magnet that was holding them to the ship but now in Hoenn with Ash whether they wanted to go or not (judging by comments in the previous episode, they had followed Ash to steal Pikachu but hadn't a clue they were going to such a far away place). Since the so-called 'Captain' of the ship was in fact a horny, boy loving sailor with a Machoke fetish; Jesse, James and Meowth apparently have free reign to wander the decks.
A voice over the intercom announces that they will soon be arriving in Littleroot Town, and Jesse sighs happily.
"The city whose colours will never change," she sighs.
"Huuhhh-uhhhm!?!" gasp James and Meowth.
"That's right, Littleroot Town has remained true to its roots... funny, I guess my colours have slowly been changing over the years."
"Whaddya mean?" asks Meowth.
"Jesse, have you been here before?" enquires James.
"Mmmhmmm," she whispers, "Is this really... all that there is?"
"HUHH!?!" huhh James and Meowth, unprepared for a sudden vicious attack of existentialism.
"Following the twerp and trying to catch Pikachu," moans Jesse, clutching her hands together beneath her chin, "James, have we ever truly blasted off at the speed of light?"
OH my God she's a beatnik!
"Is she speaking hypothetically?" James begs Meowth.
"If dat means wacky, den yes!"
"WOBBBB-UFFET!" cries Wobbuffet, popping up behind them. Without a backward glance Jesse recalls Wobbuffet to it's Pokeball.
"Hhhhh," she sighs, placing her cheek against her hands as James and Meowth sigh in consternation.
The ship docks and Ash asks the first person he meets (by odds of a million to one, the first man Ash meets at the docks isn't a horny sailor) where the Pokemon Centre is. But Littleroot Town doesn't have a Pokemon Centre! Ash is shocked, not only are Pokemon Centres a place to heal his Pokemon but he usually manages to freeload a meal and a good night's sleep there as well. This Hoenn place suddenly seems a truly alien and mysterious land.... and then Ash's freeloading genes kick in and he remembers Professor Birch!
He rushes to the nearest phone and calls Birch's lab, but he gets a longhaired freak instead. The young lab assistant tells Ash that Birch is out in the field doing research, but he'll try his best to get ahold of him to help Pikachu.
Ash sits down on a bench and stares down at his swaddled up Pikachu, helpless to do anything when suddenly a jeep skids to a stop and a beefy Amish man leaps out and demands to see Pikachu.
Well, as all your mothers told you, when an Amish man demands to see your sick pet rat you hand it over, so Ash does just that. The portly Amish fellow turns out to be Professor Birch, the latest in a long line of wood-themed scientists. He doesn't like the look of Pikachu and gets Ash into his jeep before blasting off at high speed, explaining to Ash that Pikachu is suffering electrical discharge (you can get it from visiting some of the seedier parts of the city), probably brought about by exposure to a magnet. Ash remembers (wow! he remembered something!) Pikachu getting trapped by Team Rocket's giant magnet, which has now caused Pikachu to be unable to release all of it's stored electromagnetic energy. Suddenly Pikachu pulls out of Ash's arms and begins weakly shadowboxing the air, the fever apparently making it confused and hallucinate.
Worried about the extent of Pikachu's condition, Birch decides to show off that he's an ACTION PROFESSOR who went to ACTION UNIVERSITY, DES MOINES! He twists the steering wheel and goes off-road, crashing through the forest and skidding alongside a river before pulling up to his lab where the longhaired freak is waiting. They rush inside and hook Pikachu's electric sacs up to a machine (that violates a great number of human rights laws), beginning to suck out the excess energy into a machine.
Unfortunately for Professor Birch, they never taught him at ACTION UNIVERSITY, DES MOINES that some Pokemon are more powerful than they look and the machine fills up with energy, begins to overload and then explodes into a ferocious still image that shatters the windows. Pikachu staggers up, still feverish and confused, and rushes out into the woods followed by a shouting Ash. Birch cries out for Ash to use a Pokemon that is strong against electric types, but Ash replies he no longer has any other Pokemon (guess it wasn't the best idea to dump them all then!) so Birch sweeps up three Pokeballs and gives chase. The longhaired freak (Joshua) protests that those Pokemon were for May to choose from, but Birch has no choice and rushes off after Ash.
Inside the woods, Team Rocket watch Ash and Birch rush off (how they followed them to Birch's is left to the imagination and laws outside of physics) and wonder what is wrong with Pikachu.... except Jesse really doesn't seem overly bothered.
"Oooh goody, now we run too," she sighs.
"And now what's wit you?" demands Meowth.
"It's what we do, Jess," offers James lamely, "Chase!"
Birch catches up to Ash and warns him that Pikachu's condition is much worse than he thought, any disturbance of its electrical energy could lead to an explosion. Ash imagines Pikachu exploding like a furious Jihadist and ponders what to do, and Birch who has just made every effort to catch up to Ash suggests that they split up and go their separate ways.
Back at the lab, Joshua stands outside (apparently he doesn't do much more than answer phones and pull switches) as May arrives on her bike. She asks to see Professor Birch and Joshua tells her, quite clearly, that Professor Birch got called away on an emergency and ASKED HER TO STAY HERE.
"Oh!" says May cheerily, "Then I'll go find him!"
She bikes away as a shocked Joshua calls for her to come back.
"I've never been much good at waiting, BYE!"
Ash rushes around in the forest calling out for Pikachu with no reply, and further afield Professor Birch does the same. Unfortunately for the rotund Professor, he steps onto a slight slope and gravity does its heartless work, pulling his mass downwards and sending him careening down the hill, over the edge and crashing into the ground behind a sleeping Poochyena (kind of a fluffy grey wolf-puppy).
The Poochyena squeals with horror and leaps up, then turns and growls at the dazed Professor who tries to calm it down only to have it howl and call up two other Poochyena that growl angrily at him. The Professor puts his years of training at ACTION UNIVERSITY, DES MOINES into action and realises that the Poochyena are angry, then starts running his fat ass around a tree as they chase him. He clambers up a tree beside the hill he'd just fallen down, and on the hill sits the bag containing the three Pokeballs from earlier.
Luckily for him, along comes May just in time. Birch guesses who she is and asks her to grab a Pokeball out of the bag for him. She eyes the Pokeballs with distaste and asks him which one he wants her to use, and he tells her any will do. She stares uneasily, then grabs out one and throws it, popping it open and bringing out what looks like a blue confused kitten.
"Mudkip?" it asks.
She asks Birch what she should do now and the exasperated ACTION PROFESSOR tells her to bring the action dammit! Command it to use an attack!
Except May doesn't know any of the attacks!
Birch shouts at her to tell it to use Water Gun and so she does, and Mudkip responds by blasting her face and chest with a spout of water.
Hands above the waist, male Dodgers, enjoying that is illegal in EVERY state!
Birch falls back to the ground and is once more chased by the Poochyena, so he shouts at Mudkip to jump down and help him. It does so and he has it use Watergun on the Poochyena, blasting them away and leaving his fat ass safe for the moment. He thanks May for her help, then looks up at her (considering the angle of his view and the size of her breasts, he probably can't see her face) and actually says out loud, "You've really grown up a lot since I last saw you, May!"
Well May ignores this clumsy and inept statement (she's probably well used to hearing things like this by now) and asks what he's doing out here. Birch tells her there is no time to explain.
Further off, Pikachu staggers around in a feverish confusion, then hears a familiar voice. It turns and sees Ash's silhouette approaching, twisting and distorting as Ash's voice deepens into a strange roar. Pikachu hisses and its eyes glow red before it releases a massive burst of electrical energy that can be seen from as far off as where Birch and May are.
"What was that?" asks May.
"Pikachu's electrical build-up is reaching critical mass!" states Birch grimly.
"Huh?" huhs May stupidly.
"PIKACHU!" he snaps,"It might explode!"
"HA-AAAHHH!" cries May, even though she has no idea who Pikachu is. Back where Ash is, Pikachu staggers up and sends out short bursts of red electricity at a singed and shocked Ash whenever he tries to approach.
Birch and May arrive at the scene (having travelled about 4 miles in roughly 15 seconds) and Birch warns Ash to get out of there, Pikachu could go Jihad on them at any second. Ash isn't going anywhere though, so Pikachu staggers off in confusion and runs right off the end of the cliff. Ash cries out in shock and - despite not having the fevers to excuse him - jumps off the cliff after Pikachu.
They fall together and fall and fall, and then Ash grabs a jutting treebranch with one hand and halts their fall (and also tears out his shoulderblade!), hanging from one arm and gripping Pikachu with the other. Birch throws down a long rope (when we looked in his bag earlier it was filled with folders and three Pokeballs, no rope!) and off-screen Ash does a remarkable trick and lets go of either the branch or Pikachu and then grabs the rope, without either falling to his death or dropping Pikachu.
May and Birch begin to haul Ash up, but Pikachu struggles in his arms and tries to pull free, blasting loose shots of red electricity and then when all else fails.... sinking its teeth deep into Ash's arm! But Ash grits his teeth and takes the pain, and apparently the sweet warm taste of blood clears Pikachu's head enough to make it realise what it is doing.
"Pika-pi?" it whispers, and they're dragged up to the cliff-edge and safety. Ash settles down with Pikachu and tells it they have to get it back to the lab and better, while Pikachu licks his bite by way of apologising.
"Prepare for trouble?" mutters a small set of pink lips, "What's the point.... hmm, oh well!"
"PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!" cries Jesse with fake gusto as a giant red robot smashes through to the cliffedge where Birch, May, Ash and Pikachu are, "For the umpteenth time!"
"Make it double and I'll make it rhyme!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light,"
"Surrender now or prepare for an out of this world fight!" cries James, the two of them posing against a galaxy backdrop.... when suddenly Jesse's face looms large over James and he screams out in terror as she asks him the eternal question.
"What's the point?"
"Dat's right!" laughs Meowth.
They climb into the cockpit of the battery shaped robot where Meowth roars with confidence, he's been doing his homework and he's finally figured out a way to capture Pikachu! He's designed a machine that will power itself on Pikachu's thunderbolts, absorbing on the energy that Pikachu could possibly generate and then some! As Ash warns Birch and May (who have never heard of Team Rocket) to be careful, a metal arm fires out and catches Pikachu, pulling it in. Pikachu roars with anger and lets loose a burst of fever-red energy that is simply absorbed into the machine.... so Pikachu fires more and the machine absorbs more.... and Pikachu keeps on shooting more electricity, which the machine absorbs, leaving Pikachu spen.... Pikachu keeping on pumping out the electricity, blasts of it going everywhere, including May's bike which - in true Pokemon first episode fashion - gets melted to frag before her shocked eyes. More and more and more electricity gets blasted by Pikachu and just as it seems that even the machine couldn't possibly hold any more, finally Pikachu's red electricity stops.
Pikachu looks confused for a second, and then smiles and flexes its pudgy arms with glee before letting loose a burst of pure electricity untainted by fever or sickness.... and the machine can absorb no more, it has failed the John Henry Irons test!
Electricity courses through the cockpit, shocking James and Meowth and making them cry out in pain, but Jesse is ecstatic, her eyes wide open with joy. This Pikachu IS something special after all! A Pikachu with so much power, it's the only Pokemon the Boss could ever want!
Unfortunately, they've caught a little more than they can handle and they begin to realise that what they can smell cooking is... them!
Yes, it's Pokemon Advance, and it looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again!
Pikachu stands triumphant for a moment, then collapses.
Back at Birch's lab, Joshua tells them that Pikachu's electrical balance appears to have returned to normal. Birch tells Ash that a good nightšs sleep will have Pikachu back in tip-top shape, and as they stare fondly at the fat little rodent May slips into the room and tries to steal a vase.
They twist around at the sudden noise and see May fumble a vase out of her hands, then catch it and lift it up over her shoulder, then slide it behind her back before thrusting her chest out and grinning wildly. She introduces herself to Ash who introduces himself back, and she asks how Pikachu will be.
Then Professor Birch suggests that May finally choose her first Pokemon, which excites Ash since, hey, it's your first Pokemon! Birch pops every one of the three Pokemon out for May to see. First is the Grass Type Treecko, which stands on two feet with a large green tail for balance and has large dopey looking yellow eyes. It almost looks like a cross between a reptile and a human. Ash thinks it might be a Water Type (why? Because it's green!) and May just thinks it's creepy. Next is the kitten-like Mudkip which Ash likes but May remembers as being disobedient (hey! it did exactly what she asked!). Last is a fire type, Torchic. It is a small baby bird with tiny wings that hops about on two feet. In fact it hops right up to May and begins rubbing against her leg, and May quickly decides that since this one 'isn't so bad' she'll go with it.
Birch equips her with a Pokedex and some Pokeballs and both he and Ash give her a series of well meaning platitudes, mistaking May for the usual drooling pokefanatic that most 10 year olds seem to be in this world.
"I'd give up Pokemon any day of the week just for a trip around the world," she mutters to herself.
"What was that, May?" asks Birch. "I said... I wouldn't trade it for the world! Hahaha!" she giggles nervously.
The next day May stands grimacing as she stares at the melted remains of her bike. Snapping that this is all Pikachu's fault she decides to go and give it and Ash a piece of her mind. She opens the door to their room and sees that Ash has slept sitting in a chair next to Pikachu all night. As she watches, Ash mutters in his sleep for Pikachu to be okay and it wakes up and snuggles up next to him with a happy, "CHAAA!"
Ash awakens and hugs Pikachu while May forgets about her bike for the moment and smiles, closing the door and leaving them alone. Outside, she calls out her Torchic and scratches it under the chin as Ash and Pikachu step out into the sun and yawn. She approaches Pikachu to give it a pet, then Pikachu spots Torchic and jumps down to play, leaving Ash standing besides May. He must be at least 13 by now but is about the same height as May, who is supposed to be 10 and looks to be on the wrong side of 16. As Ash watches Torchic and Pikachu play, May stares at her bike and sighs sadly.
So is this to be it then? Do we replace Misty with a new Misty with bigger tits?
Well no, because May stares sadly at her bike, then grins and says, "Ehh, who cares!"
Later in the day Professor Birch and Joshua tell Ash he can register for the Hoenn League at the next town, Olddale. Ash thanks them, and then May moans, puts her arms behind her head and thrusts her chest out before moaning that she'll be scared walking all by herself through those woods.... oooh, if only there was a solution to her problem of having to go to Olddale by herself!
Since Ash just stares at her blankly (probably the first male to do so since the growth hormones in that Kentucky Fried Chicken she ate kicked in), she goes so far to suggest that they go to Olddale Town together. Ash happily agrees and May squeals with satisfaction. She and Ash head off together towards the first town of Ash's Hoenn League adventure.
Some things have changed, there are none of the Pokemon we've grown to know and love outside of Pikachu. Brock and Misty are gone, replaced by some kind of 10 year old Romanian Gypsy Princess/Jailbait who doesn't like Pokemon and seems to have an ulterior motive in getting men to do things for her. But the key elements are there unchanged from day damn one. Team Rocket are still around, Ash is still struggling to become a Pokemon Master and - judging from Ash's complete lack of reaction to May thrusting her tits out when trying to get her way - the most important thing of all remains the same.
After all this time, the boy still just doesn't get it.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "The truth is, I don't like pokémon"
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