499: An Elite Meet and Greet!
Dodgy Synopsis
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503: Shitenno Goyo to Dotakun!
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But before we can find out what that all means, we leave the future and return to the present. Dawn has called out Buizel to meet all the other twerps' Pokémon - Buneary, Pachirisu, Piplup, Pikachu, Aipom, Turtwig, Staravia, Sudowoodo and Croagunk. They all wave happy hellos, but the Hulk Hogan-esque Buizel folds its arms and turns it head, because the Hulkster demands his own dressing room, brother! An angry Piplup stomps up to Buizel to tell it who is who and what is what, and the two look set to throw down until Dawn shouts at them to calm down. Brock suggests that Buizel's lone training regime has made it anti-social, but Ash knows what is what, he recognises what being a stubborn hard-headed asshole is all about and says it just wants to fight! Buizel grins and beckons Ash to "bring it on", the Hulkster-like Pokémon ready to show Ash's Pokémon that it is an upper level - an elite! He wants them to have....
Buizel faces off against Turtwig, which opens with Razor Leaf. Buizel dodges and Dawn tells it to use Water Gun, but instead it uses Aqua Jet. Turtwig rushes in with Bite and Dawn tells it to dodge, but instead it lets Turtwig bite down on its arm, then bitchslaps it with a close-range Sonic Boom, knocking Turtwig out. Dawn snaps at Buizel that this was too much, while Brock tells Ash they should get it to a Pokémon Centre. He tells Dawn she needs to work on training Buizel, perhaps she isn't ready to handle it yet? Dawn is infuriated at the comment.... until muttering that maybe he is right and preparing to return Buizel to its Pokeball. Brock suggests that she keep it out though, since they need to work on communication, and they head for the nearest Pokémon Centre.
Once there, Nurse Joy happily agrees to tend to Turtwig, which is odd because you'd figure a Nurse in a Centre devoted to treating sick and injured Pokémon would tell them to fuck off. Brock bursts between Dawn and Ash to ask Joy to treat his heart, only for Croagunk to come out of nowhere and slam him HARD in the breadbasket with a Poison Jab. Brock collapses and Croagunk begins its usual incomprehensible drag to take Brock who knows where to do who knows what.... until it detects Buizel's hard glare fixated on it.
The two prepare to throw down, but Dawn leaps into the way, giving Croagunk an upskirt shot while she admonishes Buizel to calm down. Croagunk makes a low croaking noise, then turns and continues to drag the prostrate Brock away while Dawn snaps at Buizel to stop trying to pick a fight with everyone they meet. It simply turns its head away from her - Hulk Hogan don't listen to Dixie Carter, Brother! - while in the next room a tall, well dressed blue haired man (not James) closes a book with one hand and mutters,"Hmmmm."
Suddenly the twerps hear sound coming from a nearby television screen that somehow wasn't making any noise at all earlier. They walk up and see a replay of the Champions League Final, and a highly talented trainer named Lucian who is competing with his Girafarig against a Scizor. Lucian is - of course - the blue haired man who was reading the book in the other room, and since no one heard the television earlier, one can only assume he put it on and then hid so everyone could see him on television! Wow, what a jerk!
But Buizel is enthralled, watching the action on the screen in delight. Girafarig dodges all of Scizor's moves, then blasts it with Psybeam and knocks Scizor down, getting the win. Ash is very impressed and Dawn comments that the Elite Four (which Lucian is evidently a part of) really is fantastic.... but Lucian approaches saying that it wasn't THAT great a match, in fact he is still learning, every match is a learning experience.
The twerps are shocked to see him and begin introducing themselves. In the bushes outside peering through the window are Team Rocket, amazed to see an actual "non-twerp" - and Jesse instantly decides why steal from the rest when you can steal from the best? Because after all, when you fail constantly in your efforts to steal a fat rat from a ten year old dullard, why not go after a highly trained telepathic killing machine that can see into the future and which has been trained by one of the four best Pokémon Trainers in the world!?!
Inside, Lucian is sitting with the twerps (Ash looking naked without his gloves) telling them about the Champions League - an Elite Tournament ONLY for Winners of Region Tournaments. So you can only enter if you've won Kanto, or Hoenn, or Johto.... and no Ash, beating up a retarded Dragonite in some podunk Islands in the middle of nowhere doesn't count. And that's not the end of it either - win the Champions League and you can challenge the Elite Four - Lucian the Psychic Specialist; Aaron the Bug Specialist; Bertha the Ground Pokémon Specialist; and Flint the Fire Specialist. And then, ABOVE all of them, is Cynthia - Master of the Champions League! But to get to her, you have to defeat Lucian and the others.
Buizel becomes overexcited and Dawn has to hold it back as it approaches Lucian, babbling its own name over and over. Lucian grins and tells them that Buizel obviously wants to battle, and he accepts the challenge! The blue-haired guy in John Lennon glasses is going to fight Hulk Hogan!
Ash leaps up asking if he can fight Lucian first, but Lucian grins and tells him that if he intends to win the Sinnoh League, then he'll get his chance to face Lucian then, so.... no! Ash just stands and stares... whafuk? But Lucian has spoken, and he leads them outside to throw down with their bloated ego wrestling weasel! Team Rocket watch them step outside and giggle, NOW is their chance!
Outside, Ash asks Lucian what Pokémon he'll be using, and Lucian shows them by calling out Bronzong, and... OH GOD IT'S A MONSTER!
According to Dextina, the monolith monstrosity was apparently woken in a construction site after 200,000 years of hibernation!
Buizel is eager to throw down though, and Dawn commands it to use Aqua Jet, so it... uses Water Gun! Bronzong uses Iron Defence to deflect the water, so Dawn snaps at it to use Aqua Jet, so it uses... Sonic Boom! Again, Bronzong uses Iron Defence, and Lucian tells it to wrap things up with Gyro ball, and it begins spinning before charging. Dawn tells Buizel to dodge, but instead it blasts forward with Aqua Jet directly into Bronzong... and gets knocked flying backwards.
Buizel staggers back up still wanting to fight and Lucian is impressed, then tells Bronzong to use Flash Cannon, and it does just that, flashing its giant bell-shaped rear end and blasting at Buizel. Dawn tells it to dodge, but instead it blasts at the Flash Cannon with Water Gun, but the power of the little Hulkamaniacs can't help Buizel bodyslam Andre the Giant tonight, and Buizel is sent flying by the full force of the blast.
Dawn runs to Buizel's side as it struggles back up and then collapses, and Lucian steps forward to apologize to her, saying he got carried away, but credits Buizel's fighting spirit. He tells them to go see Nurse Joy, then walks away, Ash and Brock declaring that the Elite Four really is tough if one of them was so easily able to defeat a low level newly caught Pokémon trained by a ten year old girl who is really only interested in being in beauty contests!
As Lucian walks away with Bronzong, Team Rocket watch from the bushes, taken aback by the ease with which Buizel was defeated, it was smashed into puree! They wonder if Giovanni would even LIKE puree, and Meowth has another paten.... wait! He has a Patent-Pending Sane Meowth Reality Check!
Will Giovanni even be interested in a Bronzong? Surely he won't be able to figure out a use for the giant bell-like Pokémon? What interest would Giovanni have in a 200,000 year old Elder God from the Infinite Black Spaces between Time and Reality? Especially one capable of turning itself into a giant cannon!?! Why, he'd probably try dancing with it, putting it on his head, walking around with it on his head while playing a flute and then just walk off after leaving it on his doorstep to be a doorbell!
Back in the Pokémon Centre, Buizel is on the table groaning in pain as Nurse Joy stands around doing nothing, then declares it will be all right now (is she an Officer Jenny in disguise?). Buizel staggers off of the bed and walks to a corner, looking depressed. Ash remembers (he remembers!) that back at its own river it was undefeated, and now it's been beaten by a ten year old girl in a miniskirt and then had its ass kicked by John Lennon and Jim Morrison's lovechild!
Nurse Joy brings some soup for Buizel and Brock declares that she is just the thing! He drops to a knee to hold her hands, saying she knocks him out cold... and then Croagunk does just that! It starts dragging him away, then pauses, turning to look back at Buizel which only stares depressed back at the bizarre sight, then turns away. Croagunk just STARES, then turns and continues on dragging Brock away for his "punishment", its intention and actions as incomprehensible as ever.
Dawn blames herself for letting Buizel battle against a member of the Elite Four, but Ash has an idea to cheer it up.... they can go outside and go for a swim!
However when he tells Buizel about the big river nearby, it has no effect on Buizel. Ash is at a loss, if going for a swim doesn't cheer it up, then what possibly would!?! Lucian shows up and eyes up Buizel, saying that it is at a crossroads, where it has to figure out how it will deal with defeat - will it retain the same love for battling it once had? Or will it simply give up?
But before it has a chance to decide, a glowing grid surrounds it and turns into a spherical cage.... Buizel's been caught in a trap.... a high-tech trap! By the "Elite Three", Team Rocket!
"Listen, is that one of the Elite Four I hear?"
"You're listening to the Elite Three, is that clear!?!"
"On the wind!"
"Past the stars!"
"In yer ear!"
"Hear Hear!" they cry together.
"Bringing chaos at a breakneck pace."
"Dashing all hope, putting fear in its place."
"A rose by any other name is just as sweet."
"When everything's worse, our work is complete."
"Jesse!"
"And James!"
"Meowth, dat's a name!"
"Putting the do-gooders in their place."
"We're Team Rocket!"
"In your face!" they finish together.
Lucian demands to know what they intend to do with Buizel, and Jesse laughs at him to use his "Elite" Brain! They were intending on stealing his Bronzong, but decided to go for Buizel instead, and Lucian's reaction is to claim that normally he would be quite upset with people like them.... but not today.
Ash and Dawn grab out Pokeballs to save Buizel, but Lucian tells them to hold up, claiming this is just the chance Buizel has been waiting for. They look up and see it stomping and slamming against the sphere, and realise that its anger at being caged has erased its sadness over being defeated.
Buizel grabs the sides of the cage and begins slamming its tail about in Sonic Booms, but Team Rocket laugh they spent more green than the twerps will ever see, trading in James' bottlecap collection AND taking out a second mortgage on their balloon! Buizel keeps trying, but the cage is invulnerable..... and Dawn calls out to it to keep trying, but it is useless, it can't break through steel, nothing can change that law of physics, noth-
WELL LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING, BROTHER!
Using the power of all the little Hulkamaniacs, Buizel climbs to the top of the mountain and swims the deepest sea, lifting the 900 pound Andre the Giant into the air and slamming him down! Thank GOD Donald Trump is a Buizelmaniac too, because it's going to swim him and his family to safety as the Sinnoh Region crashes into the ocean! Team Rocket are horrified, landing their balloon and roaring at Buizel that they mortgaged their balloon! THEIR BALLOON!
Dawn prepares to command Buizel, but Lucian asks for the honour, and steps forward to give commands to Buizel as Team Rocket call out Dustox and Carnivine, the latter doing its best to give James a right good rogering in the process.
Dustox and Carnivine try a Bite and Tackle combo, and Dawn calls for a dodge, but Lucian says there is no need, and orders a Water Gun... and it does it! Dustox tries Psybeam and Carnivine Bullet Seed, but Buizel leaps clear and smashes Carnivine with Sonic Boom, then Aqua Jet on Dustox, knocking it out as well, Jesse gasping that it has been detoxed!
Lucian tells Dawn to pay attention, pointing out that a Pokémon has its own unique battle style, and it is up to a trainer to figure out what that style is and adapt their training to match. He orders a Water Gun to send Team Rocket blasting off again, James pointing out that they DID promise him he could have his bottle cap collection back with interest. Jesse mutters that she lied and Meowth moans he should have bet money on that answer, and then they disappear into a twinkle in the sky, Wobbuffet saluting happily all the way.
Dawn tells Buizel she was awesome, but it runs past her to Lucian. She can't believe it wants to battle again, but Lucian says it would be an honor and takes them out back for another fight. This time when Bronzong tries Gyro ball and Dawn tells Buizel to dodge, it does just as ordered, and Ash gasps that it is listening to her. She calls for an Aqua jet, but Bronzong uses Iron Defence to absorb the attack, then a Water Gun. Dawn tells Buizel to keep it up, but Lucian calls back Bronzong, telling that that is just enough. He steps forward to the confused trainer and Pokémon and tells them that they've shown great improvement, and he is sure the next time they meet she will have improved even further.
He turns and walks away, and one could be forgiven for thinking he got into the Elite Four by just telling people he wins now and walking away. But the truth was, if the fight had gone on, all of Buizel and Dawn's newfound synergy would have been for nothing and lead to even MORE depression for Buizel. When an Elder God decides it is going to devour your soul, no amount of spitting water at it will stop it.
So they watch him walking away, declaring he is a great guy.... Dawn clutching her hands over her crotch as she watches him go! Ash declares that one day he is going to face and beat him! But first, he's got the Eterna Gym and his next Gym Battle to win, and he better get to it in two ways he has never been... quick smart!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Woah, that Bronzong made puree out of that twerp duel!" "Say.... I wonder if the Boss even likes puree?"
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