472: Gymbaliar!
Dodgy Synopsis
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476: Nazo no Jimu no Guregguru!
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Dustox clashes heads with a Marowak in a garish, brightly coloured Gym. Dustox's trainer - a very familiar, long purple haired woman wearing giant Dame Edna glasses in an ankle length tight dress coloured with the markings of a Seviper - orders a Stun Spore, while Marowak's trainer - a young shaggy haired kid who has grown his hair long to create the impression of sideburns - tells it to deflect it with its bone club, then toss a boomerang at Dustox. Jesse tells it to dodge the Boomerang and it does, but then learns why it is called Boomerang when it comes back and smashes into Dustox, and then Marowak finishes things odd with a Bone Club, knocking Dustox out and giving the win to Jeffrey of Mocha Town, and he gets a... GYM BADGE!?!
James - dressed in stylish white suit, pink (!) shirt and red tie with his own Dame Edna glasses - and Meowth - dressed in an adorable little red suit with a blue bowtie - warn Jesse that if she keeps losing at the fake Gym they've set up, they're going to run out of the "badges" they've been giving away. Jesse replies sadly that it is their fault for finding a trainer with an annoying tic.... talent!
A short time later in a nearby shop, Meowth steps out of the shop with a bag of munchies, complaining to himself that whenever there is a food run, it's on his dime. But while we ponder how the little cat in a suit managed to walk into a shop and buy food without raising any eyebrows, Meowth hears a strange croaking noise and turns to see..... to see...... to see..... to see...........
Yes the legendary Austrian-born stage and screen actor from the Golden Age of Cinema has been reborn! And it's as an incredibly disturbing blue toad-like.... THING.... with inflatable orange cheek pouches! Meowth stares at it in horror and turns away, thinking to himself that it looks like a bully.
He heads off, but the Croagunk follows him! Meowth stops and Croagunk stops! Meowth shakes his head and then moves on, but Croagunk continues on after him silently, its buck teeth exposed, its eyes wide, looking somehow sinister, self-satisfied and lonely all at the same time. Meowth loses it, overwhelmed by the creep factor like so many cinema-goers before him, and he takes off running, followed like something out of a nightmare by the inscrutable Croagunk.
Meowth makes it to the phallic, garish Gym, followed by Croagunk which stops before Jesse, staring up at her with its heavily lidded eyes. James checks it out with his Pokémon Collector Cards (buy them children, BUY THEM!) and notes that Croagunk is known as the Toxic-Mouth Pokémon, and has poison in its cheeks and can spray poison from its fingertips, and makes noise by expanding its poison-sac.
"Creep!" gasps Meowth, as anyone would under the best of circumstances when hearing about expanding sacs.... but ESPECIALLY when it's the expanding sac of a Peter Lorre-toad!
Croagunk croaks away as it looks around, and Meowth translates it horrific noises.... and it's not just a creepy Peter Lorre looking motherfucker, it's a jerk as well!
"You guys are all so boring, what a boring bunch of big fat bores, how do ya stand it? Dat's what it's saying," Meowth translates, and Jesse grunts that it is rude, and then notes that it also ain't pretty! James agrees, and... can't stand it anymore and tries to "fix" it!
Croagunk takes it for a few seconds, then lifts one arm with glowing pink finger-tips and jabs James hard in the belly. He collapses, paralyzed in place, and Jesse asks what that move was as James twitches on the floor. Meowth explains the move is Poison Jab.... and Jesse gets an idea! She knows how to prevent Croagunk from being bored!
The twerps, meanwhile, are continuing on their way when suddenly... SCIZOR THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE! The awesome scarlet Pokémon looks about as Dawn checks it out with Dextina. A young lady rushes up to tell it that it doesn't need to be in that big of a rush... and Brock rushes in himself! Dropping to a knee, he stares up at the lady with hearts in his eyes, professing his undying love. Dawn and Ash also approach and introduce themselves, and the lady - Minnie - tells them she is looking for a nearby Pokémon Gym. They both think that the nearest Gym is past Jubilife City, but Minnie insists that there is supposedly one in the nearby forest. As she chats away, Brock's hearts fade from his eyes and he sweat drops as he realises he is being ignored, and Minnie tells them that the new Gym has only just opened, and is called the Power Zone Gym. They all rush off together, leaving behind a distraught Brock who quickly gets up and joins them.
Minnie explains to them as they walk along that she isn't actually a very strong trainer, but that makes Power Zone Gym great for her. Apparently they promise to take any Pokémon that loses to them and train it up to be stronger before returning it to its trainer. The twerps are impressed by this; it's a hell of a nice thing to do! They arrive at the horrifically badly painted Gym, and inside Jesse is facing a new trainer, this one with a Sandslash, and she's using.... Croagunk!
Sandslash tries Fury Swipes, but Croagunk dodges, and Dawn and Ash check out the two Pokémon with their Dextinas. Sandslash tries Sand Attack, but Croagunk dodges and hits a Poison Jab right in Sandslash's throat.... and Jesse wins.
James tells the boy that they'll train his "mate" and take the Pokeball with Sandslash in it away, and say their goodbyes to him before turning to their new challengers... and discover it is Minnie and Ash!
"Who told the twerps!" gasps Jesse as she huddles down with James and Meowth.
"We really don't talk that much!" gasps James.
"Let's think this through," gasps Jesse,"Whatever, they're here now."
"Besides, when it comes to our disguises, they're clueless!" notes James, having seen what we've long known - the twerps just aren't that bright!
Ash asks if anything is wrong, but Jesse laughs that everything is all right and introduces herself as Princess Power Zone, and asks who will be first.
"I WILL!" gasps Ash happily.
"So, you asked first!" grins Jesse, pointing at an ecstatic Minnie.
"Oh man," sighs Ash,"I could have sworn I was the first one to ask."
The battle begins, Croagunk versus Scizor! James is officiating, and prepares to explain the rules as Brock and Ash tutor Dawn, explaining that all Pokémon Gyms have different rules. The rules are a one on one match, with the winner earning a Gym Badge. Dawn is excited to see one, and asks if she can see them, worrying Jesse and Meowth as they realise they've given away all of their fake Badges, and Meowth hasn't had a chance to make a new one. But James seems confident, pointing out that he is the YOUNGER brother of Princess Power Zone and can show them what they want. He presents a badge made up of three small bottlecaps, and Meowth gasps in horror; those are the bottlecaps from the sodas he brought earlier, and that means their soda is going to go flat!
The twerps stare at the badges and Minnie says they just look like plain old bottlecaps to her... and James loses it, shouting that they're thy pointy perfection of the Princess' royal crown, the shine, glitz, the glamour... the five cent return on the deposit!
That out of the way, the battle begins, Brock shouting out encouragement to Minnie, telling her that with her beauty she HAS to win.... and Jesse actually backhands him across the face! She roars that if this is a beauty contest, she has to be the winner! Brock leaps up and shouts that Minnie is more beautiful, and Jesse demands the referee make an official call! James stares at her in horror, realising that the power-punching Princess will be a real health hazard if she loses, so the winner is as clear as the unbroken nose on his face, it's Jesse!
Jesse jumps up and twists around in delight as Brock cries out in the background. Jesse starts mocking a confused Minnie, and Dawn turns and asks an equally confused Ash if all Gym Battles are like this.
But finally the battle begins, Scizor moving in with a Quick Attack and using Slash to punch Croagunk right in its Peter Lorre-looking face.... and then hits a Metal Claw that knocks Croagunk down and out!
The twerps leap to their feet in delight and Minnie gasps that she's won, right? James gasps in surprise and begins to slowly mutter that Croagunk is.... is unable.... it's..... it is.... is..... unable to resist its trainer's voice! Jesse demands it get up and it does, and James cheerfully proclaims that the battle will continue!
Dawn thinks that Gym Leader is skillful, but Brock and Ash aren't too impressed with the Referee. Jesse sends in Croagunk with Brickbreak but Scizor dodges the first... but not the second! As Scizor is staggered, Croagunk moves in with Poison Jab and puts Scizor down and out, and this time James is VERY quick to make the call!
Jesse and James approach and tell her that they'll make Scizor a winner, and Meowth laughs that she may be a lost cause, but they can still help Scizor! The twerps gasp that this is a fairly rude thing to say, but Minnie thanks them for the offer and agrees to hand over Scizor for some intensive training, telling it to be good while in their care, and James chuckles that they'll look after it like it was one of their own.
Ash cries out excitedly that now it is his turn, but Jesse replies that her empty stomach is telling her that it is time for lunch, and besides, her Croagunk needs a rest. Dawn thinks it looks fine... well as fine as a blue poison toad that looks like Peter Lorre CAN look, but Brock says he wouldn't mind a bite to eat, and they invite Minnie to join them. They head out of the Gym, and Team Rocket chuckle amongst themselves, there is one born every minute, and now Jesse has an idea, one whose time has come. They're finally going to capture Pikachu!
Jesse is horrified, but James covers up and Meowth notes that a Pokémon is a Pokémon. Jesse sends Croagunk in with Brickbreak, but Aipom dodges and smashes it with Swift, then moves in with Focus Punch, smashing Croagunk in the face and sending it staggering back. Jesse gasps that they don't have to take that, and sends Croagunk back in with Poison Jab, smacking Aipom right in the goddamn throat!
Aipom crashes to the ground then staggers back up, and then falls to a knee as Croagunk moves in with Poison Jab again... but Aipom uses Double Team to dodge, then blasts Croagunk with Swift and then smashes it in the face with Focus Punch.... and Croagunk goes down!
The twerps turn to the referee, who gasps and moans as he struggles to get out his judgment while Jesse demands Croagunk get back up... but it's too much, and finally James has to acquiesce, as he finally speaks Ash's name and calls him the winner!
Meowth drags the exhausted, knocked out Croagunk away muttering that he wouldn't feel so good if he had to fight a bunch of battles in a row either. But Jesse recovers, laughing that this was a fun time... but is Ash ready for his next bout?
Meowth explains that to win a badge, you have to win TWO battles, and Brock has to agree, Gym Leaders do get to set their own rules. Jesse calls out Dustox, and Ash prepares to call out Turtwig, but Jesse stops him, pointing out yet another rule she never mentioned, the Gym Leader gets to choose the opponent's Pokémon, and she chooses Pikachu! Meowth then speaks up to add in yet ANOTHER rule.... if you refuse, you lose! Ash guesses he has no choice, so he sends in Pikachu.... and a giant mechanical hand grabs it!
The phallic Gym bulges at the seams and then bursts open, revealing the Happy Buddha Face Meowth balloon! It launches into the air and leaves the twerps behind as Team Rocket leap into the basket (under which hangs the Pokeballs of the Pokémon they are meant to be training, as well as Pikachu) and present their motto.
"Listen? Is that a voice I hear?" "It's speaking to me, loud and clear!"
"On the wind!"
"Past the stars!"
"In yer ear!"
"Bringing chaos at a breakneck pace."
"Dashing hope, putting fear in its place."
"A rose by any other name's just as sweet."
"When everything's worse, our work is complete."
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"Meowth, now dere's a name!"
"Putting the do-gooders in their place."
"Team Rocket!"
"WE'RE in yer face!" they finish together.
"WOBBBBBB-UFFET!"
"Miiiime, mime mime!"
The twerps give chase, Team Rocket laughing before they notice Croagunk sitting down below staring up at them, cheeks expanding.
"Isn't Croagunk part of our crew?" asks James.
"Croagunk's cheeks creep me out," points out Jesse which... well, it's actually a pretty good defence, really!
The twerps rush by Croagunk, but Brock stops to stare back at the bizarre Pokémon, and its open mouth and expanding cheeks and round eyes and blue skin and Peter Lorre face and his reaction is... pretty much what you'd expect!
He continues on as Ash calls out Starly and has it use Quick Attack on the balloon, Team Rocket laughing as it skims over and over the balloon not seeming to do any damage... till it finally manages to tear through the canvas and send Team Rocket crashing to the ground!
Jesse sends out Dustox as Ash approaches Pikachu and orders it to use Thunderbolt, sending Team Rocket blasting off again!
"Maybe we could run a real Gym?" suggests James sadly.
"When you act like a REAL MAN!" snaps Jesse angrily.
"Looks like dat seals dat deal," sighs Meowth, and Mime Jr and Wobbuffet agree as they disappear into a twinkle in the sky.
Minnie releases Scizor from its Pokeball and hugs it, and Dawn asks what they'll do about all the Pokeballs. Brock says they'll just have to wait for their trainers to return, but Minnie tells them to continue on, she's realised she isn't ready for Gym Battles yet, so she'll stay behind to give back the Pokeballs. Brock gasps at the combination of her nobility and beauty (and tits, let's be honest here, Brock) and expresses his love once more, then is cut off by the croaking, endless yellow stare of Croagunk. He turns and stares at the bizarre Pokémon, who the twerps had thought belonged to Team Rocket, and perhaps Brock sees something akin to himself in the bizarre, unloved, creepy Pokémon, and asks if it would like to come along with him? It nods, and the twerps gasp as he takes out a Pokeball and sucks the Pokémon inside, and the Pokeball beeps as he proclaims, he just caught a Croagunk!
Minnie says her goodbyes and Brock again proclaims his love... and Croagunk pops out of its Pokeball. He turns and asks what is the matter, and then.... Croagunk Poison Jabs him in the chest!
He collapses over and twitches as the twerps stare at Minnie... and then like a bunch of fucking jerks they all just laugh!
As the sun sets, they set off, Brock dragged behind Croagunk which is staring RIGHT UP Dawn's skirt. Ash and Dawn wave their goodbyes to Minnie and head off, leaving behind Minnie with at least twenty Pokémon that don't belong to her and only the word of this girl they just met that she is going to give them back.
As they head away, the narrator comments that they have a new friend... and a new conscience for Brock. And that's it, Gentle Dodgers, about the most bizarre twist addition to Pokémon in its 10 year history.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "The shine, glitz, the glamour... the five cent return on the deposit!"
"Maybe we could run a real Gym?" "When you act like a REAL MAN!"
 "Looks like dat seals dat deal!"
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