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545: Cream of the Croagunk Crop!   550: Nomose Shitsugen no Gureggru Matsuri!?    ...oh God!           The twerps attend a festival worshiping Peter Lorre    More muddying of their continuity!     To get out of an arranged marriage simply.... wait they never told us how.....   


Today finds the twerps FINALLY arriving in Pastoria City, and already at the fucking Gym! YES! YES! Ash struts happily forward and then stumbles back after walking full force directly into a wall.... a wall made of a man! A man called Crasher Wake!

The Pastoria City Gym Leader!


Massive and laughing, looking more like a professional wrestler than a Gym Leader, Crasher informs the twerps that he's got somewhere to be now so he can't battle Ash today.... but maybe they'd like to come with him. When they ask the building made out of a man where he's going, he simply declares "There!" and then laughs uproariously. My goodness me, this Crasher Wake is quite the character, he's the....



(snicker)


An alarm is ringing and Crasher shouts at the twerps to hurry as he skids onto a train, followed quickly by Ash and the others. The tiny train (only two carriages!) heads away as Crasher breathes a sigh of contentment, looking out over the "great outdoors", the "Pastoria Great Marsh". Ash wonders what kind of Pokémon live in it and Dawn just wants to know where they're going, but when they arrive at their stop, Wake tells them they'll just have to follow him to find out and then charges away at top speed, the twerps struggling to keep up.

As the sun sets, they've lost him, standing alone amongst the tall grass as it gets darker. Dawn tells Piplup (resting on her head) to stop making funny noises, but it's not Piplup making them! Suddenly in the shadows of the grass glowing eyes appear, and the twerps finally start to realise that blindly following the strange tall masked man they'd never met before might not have been the best idea.

Out of the shadows emerges.... Croagunk! The twerps are relieved until Brock points out that it isn't his Croagunk, and then more and more of the bizarre little Pokémon stream past. They're not wild either, as they're soon joined by trainers, and the twerps follow as the night grows darker. Finally they arrive at a strange temple in the middle of nowhere, dominated by a statue of a giant.... Croagunk! It's the only thing bigger than Crasher Wake, who spots them and waves them over, wondering what took them so long. He explains that Croagunk are treated as "Guardians" by the people of Pastoria, and every home has a Croagunk. Once a year, they all gather at the temple, where they..... FUCKING THROW DOWN LIKE HARDCORE GANGSTA MOTHERFUCKERS!

Yes it's as awesome as you'd expect, this is a town and temple devoted to the care, training and worship of Peter Lorre! And the prize for the top Croagunk? The cream (snicker) of the crop? It becomes King Peter Lorre, that's what!

Dawn in ecstatic at the concept of a crown, but then a voice catches Brock's attention - it's Nurse Joy! He rushes around a corner and finds her bailed up by a young kid who is demanding that she promised marriage and marriage he intends to have! Brock charges in fired up with righteous indignation and semen, shouting at the kid he can't force Nurse Joy to marry him! The kid just laughs as Nurse Joy explains that he wants to marry off their two Croagunk to each other. Brock looks down and spots the horrifying visage of a female Croagunk with a ribbon in her hair clutching onto Joy's leg, while the boy - Hamilton - has his Croagunk clutching onto his chest... and wearing a crown! It's Creg, the King of the Croagunks! And a spoilt brat to boot!

Hamilton laughs that Brock is just jealous of his Croagunk having a crown and waddles away (that Croagunk is throwing off his centre of balance!) down the stairs. Nurse Joy tells them that Hamilton just doesn't listen, her "Crissy" just doesn't like his "Creg", but he won't hear anything she says. Brock, however, declares that he WILL listen.... romantically!

Oh Brock.


He tells her not to worry her pretty head, his Croagunk will become the NEW King and Hamilton will see the light, and then HIS Croagunk and her Croagunk will get married.... and so will they!

Oh Brock.


Croagunk punches him in the butt and drags Brock away, leaving Joy to speculate that his Croagunk IS pretty impressive. Meanwhile.... Team Rocket are in the mud! Unfortunately it involves very little girl on girl bikini wrestling, but James at least is happy, stomping happily through the mud as Jesse and Meowth trudge along beside him. He tells them another continuity-defying story of how it was this very marsh where he first discovered Carnivine! It was weak and muddy, so poor little Rich James dragged him from the mud to a wooden walkway and it hugged him happily. He calls it out to share in the memories and it bites down on his head, while Meowth complains about coming all this way just for James to get his "memory yayas out".

Indeed, we were hoping Jesse would be the one getting her yayas out!


She laughs that she wouldn't muddy her designer boots just for James' memory, and explains about the Croagunk festival and the prize of the crown. Meowth points out the flaw in her plan, they don't have a Croagunk, but her head just grows in evil delight as she explains to poor little Meowth that they DOOOO have a Croagunk! Even he can see where this is going!

As the night settles in, back at the temple the festival continues to be set up while stallholders set up to profit from the beliefs and dreams of naive townspeople. Getting into the celebratory mood, Ash fishes something out and asks Dawn if she wants to put it in her mouth, and as she gags and shouts,"EWWW!" at him, Jesse and James show up in disguise - James as a young preppy looking guy and Jesse as a chick with a huge rack (a brilliant disguise, nobody is going to be looking at her face!).

Croagunk fireworks go off above them as Crasher Wake gets on the mic and gets the crowd worked up. He then explains that all the Croagunks who get past the 1st and 2nd Round will then compete against Hamilton's Creg. Creg's crown is removed and Crasher introduces the judges - himself! Nurse Joy of course, and.... Carnie..... Carnie the Station Master. His name is Carnie, he has a huge head and.... four teeth. Oh my God, Carnie is a Carnie!



But before the fighting, it's titty time! As the beauty contest begins!

The Croagunk Beauty Contest!

Oh God.

The first Croagunk comes out looking like Peter Lorre, makes some croaking noises and leaves, followed by another and another, all of them turning on Carnie something terrible.

Oh God.

Dawn mentions they all look exactly the same (racist!) and then Brock's Croagunk enters the beauty contest and all the Judges want to have sex with it!

Oh God!

And then it's Jesse and James' Meowth's turn.



Oh God!


But the inbred hicks of Pastoria love it, Crasher is enamoured with the "soft" belly and it's all just very, very wrong.

Next is the Brickbreaking competition, with the Croagunk all taking turns breaking bricks in a pile, shattering at the tower of bricks until finally it is Brock's Croagunk's turn and..... it smashes through all ten bricks!

Hey, it bitchslapped the attack of a GOD before!


And finally, Crasher Wake steps up to Jesse and James' Croagunk, and it looks like he means to facefuck it!

But no, it's just Brickbreak time for Meowth, and it has to at least match the ten bricks that Brock's Croagunk shattered. Meowth takes a deep breath, CATCHES ON FIRE, starts screeching like Bruce Lee (complete with slow-motion arm swings!) and then..... breaks his hand!

Ouch!


And so the finalists are determined, it's Creg versus Brock's Croagunk, an outsider once again showing up on the day of an ages old festival and threatening to make the entire devoted town look bad! Nurse Joy actually WINKS at Brock and wishes him good luck, and as he moans with delight about only needing love, Hamilton leaps up and declares it is time to put an end to this. They get into a wrestling ring (holy shit yes!) and throw down.... hardcore gangsta motherfucker style!

Dawn can't tell either Croagunk apart, but Brock's seems to get the upper hand for a moment and hits a final killer blow.... but then Creg gets back up!

And THAT is when things get even weirder!



Oh God!


The giant Croagunk machine falls out of the sky and crashes down beside the ring, flailing mechanical arms and knocking over the Croagunk statue. The twerps are astonished, where did it come from and what is that thing?

"Excuse me twerp, this is not a "thing"!"
"The latest craze has a much better ring!"
"QUIT YER QUACKING!" screams Meowth, cutting of the motto and hitting a switch that causes a giant slippery tongue to leap out of the robot's mouth and scoop up the crown!

Oh God!


Brock and Hamilton decide to take a break from their fighting and try to fight the robot, but the gross tongue grabs them both up. Ash orders Pikachu to Thunderbolt but is reminded by Dawn that this will hurt (explode) the two Croagunk as well, so Crasher zips in - like any successful pro-wrestler he has a great sense of timing - and declares that he'll handle things.... and then realises he forgot his Pokéballs!

So instead he sends in a swarm of all the Croagunk, which pile onto the robot's crotch (oh God!) only for a pouch to open up and the robot to scoop them up and dunk them in! Nurse Joy and Crissy charge in, dodging a flailing arm before Crissy uses Vacuum Wave and... things get even weirder!

Oh God!


Blasting the Croabot's tongue with a heart (grossssss), the Croabot tips over and shatters, the captured Croagunk escaping and allowing Pikachu to hit a blast of Thunderbolt and send Team Rocket blasting off again, Jesse delivering a tongue twister of alliteration that causes James to quip that he liked tongue twisters when he was younger.

Make of that, what you will.


Crasher asks the villagers if they mind awarding the Crown to Crissy since it and Nurse Joy saved the day, and Brock and Hamilton happily agree. All talk of the marriage seems to have disappeared conveniently, and Crasher gets the locals together for a dance, and Ash... asks Dawn if she'd like to dance! ....and she says no!

Hahahahaha! That was it, that is the closest Ash will ever get to showing a non-battling interest in a girl, and it was shot down!



He jumps in to dance anyway, proving just why Dawn made the right choice, while Brock gets as close to a threesome as he's ever likely to by dancing between Joy and Hamilton and Croagunk offers a knowing croak towards the audience as the episode ends.

Next episode.... Ash's fourth Sinnoh League Gym Battle!
BEST QUOTES

"Of all the Croagunk's in the world, you're the Croa-GUNKiest!"


"Who'dda thought a fake Croagunk could lay an egg...."


"I still can't tell you two apart, but good luck wherever you are!"




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