ENGLISH NAME	JAPANESE NAME	POKEMOPOLIS NAME	DODGINESS RATING	ANIMATION	STORY	TEAM ROCKET	MORAL LEARNT
695: The Club Battle Hearts of Fury, Emolga Versus Sawk!	700: Hakunetsu Don Batoru! Emonga Tai Dageki!	Mr. Blue Balls vs. Flirty Squirrel			: The Nimbasa Battle Tournament continues, Iris must defeat an angry blue man!	Nope!	Bringing out the best in others is great so long as it doesn't fuck YOU over in the process!

Last episode saw Cilan defeat Trip (yes!) and Ash face off against Iris' rival Georgia at the Nimbasa Town Battle Tournament. But things aren't going well for Ash, his Snivy is getting its ass kicked around the place, and as the last episode it looked like it was done for. Is it? Or does it have the heart to fight back against Georgia's fury? It's all about:



Pawniard moves in for the kill, but then Ash remembers a little known battle technique called,"Don't just sit there and wait to be hit while your opponent very slowly approaches for the death blow!" and counters with Leafblade! Pawniard is sent crashing back, Georgia gasps,"Oh no!", Ash gasps,"Oh yes!", Pika gasps,"Pika!"; Iris gasps,"All right!" and Luke and Bianca gasp,"Oh my!" as we find Bianca pausing in mid-reach in her never ending attempt to get her hands on Zorua.

What makes things worse for Georgia is that Pawniard tries to break its fall with an elegant handspring, forgetting that its hands are made of blades that promptly get stuck in the dirt! Ash takes advantage with a Leafstorm and.... Pawniard is knocked out! Georgia is out of the contest! The commentators are surprised, THE SCOOP noting that it seemed Pawniard had this in the bag, and Don George agrees, saying that it seemed the battle would zig, but instead it zagged.

Great man, that Don George, and a great commentator!

Ash hauls up Snivy in delight, thanking her for the great battle as he's announced as the first to make it through to the semi-finals. Bianca sighs that she is exhausted after just watching that battle, while Stephan notes that either one of them could have won that match and asks Cilan if he agrees. Cilan does.... boy howdy he does! He gasps and flails his arms and humps his crotch as he moans about trembling with excitement before leaping into Stephan's face and asking him,"Stefin, was it the same for you!?!"

Oh Cilan.

Stephan is appalled at having his barely repressed homosexuality put on the spot like that, and mumbles something about nobody ever pronouncing his name right. Meanwhile Georgia is pouting furiously, calling Pawniard back grumpily, pulling her cap down and preparing to walk away. Ash rushes up after her and tells her that Pawniard (and her!) were both great, but Georgia smirks that he should thank the field, not her, because it was a bad field and that's why she lost. Iris overhears and comments that anybody who would blame the field is "such a kid", and Georgia rushes back over to her to yell that she heard her. They go right back to arguing, Georgia insisting that the battle doesn't count because it wasn't a Dragon-Type, and they end up locking electric-beams from their eyes. With their breasts in the foreground and Stephan and Cilan standing in the gap between, Stephan seems slightly alarmed and mumbles that they've been ripping into each other all day. Cilan just stares happily at both, declaring that the worst of enemies can make the best of friends.

Oh Cilan, always shippin'.

THE SCOOP announced the next second round battle - it's Antonio vs. Dino and.... AHAHAHAHAHA they don't even let Antonio get an on-screen appearance beyond his face on the match-up screen! They just announce the battle, show Dino's Tranquill attack, then it's declared over and Dino is the winner. Antonio doesn't even have a last name... he doesn't even have a mum!

Meanwhile Ash is feeding Snivy, which casually flips the pellets off of its tail into its mouth to show off in front of Pikachu. Cilan explains how he made the food especially for Grass Types, full of all kinds of vegetables. Burgundy appears from nowhere to dramatically gasp at Cilan's folly and the poor plight of Snivy for being forced to eat such terrible food, collapsing to the ground as everybody glares at her grumpily.... except for Cilan who thinks it's all such wonderful fun! Snivy is less accommodating though, slapping her away with Vine Whip and... that's that! Burgundy squawks and rushes away not to be seen again, while Stephan asks Cilan if he can get some of his recipes and moans again when "even a connoisseur" gets his name wrong.

Meanwhile, Bianca is once again looking for Zorua when she spots Georgia being interviewed by Luke and.... declaring that Iris is bound to be the winner because she has the best, strongest Pokémon? Suddenly the REAL Georgia shows up, Zorua having taken her form once again and mimed to Iris' delighted narration. Zorua turns back into itself and leaps away, Bianca not noticing because she's so excited to get her hands on "Zorua" that she doesn't realise she's not molesting a small black fox at all, but an underage human girl.



Hang on, which is worse?

Georgia breaks free to argue with Iris, while Bianca chases Zorua around in circles. As Iris and Georgia argue angrily, they suddenly realise that Luke is still filming them. Nervously he reminds them that he IS making a documentary about the Battle Tournament and he wants to show people what a true rivalry is like. Luckily he's saved from a mauling by the loudspeakers calling people back to their seats for the next battle, which is.... Luke's! He heads over to Cilan quite justifiably nervous, and asks Ash if he'd continue the filming for him. Ash's reaction is perfect Ash, as he gulps,"DUH? Me help you?" which technically is grammatically correct but still makes him sound like a dullard who never went to school (which he is!). Even Pikachu seems to know what a bad idea this is!

Cilan asks Luke to go easy and gives a happy little bow, while Luke freaks out as he realises he is facing a Gym Leader. Funnily enough, Cilan is the one who seeks to calm him down, telling him to relax and giving him some tips for how to get through the battle. He tells him to approach the battle like it was a movie - Cilan himself always envisages how the battle will go, what moves he can use, how it will end, what kind of reward he'll give to his Pokémon etc. Luke asks if he really imagines ALL of that, while the other twerps/rivals watch on, all except for Georgia who is facing away, arms crossed and furious as she growls,"Arrogant dork!" Luke seems to take the words to heart though, declaring that he can do it, and at the commentary booth THE SCOOP ponders if it was really wise for Cilan to tell Luke all that. Don George replies that it probably comes from Cilan being a Gym Leader (it does seem kind of unfair really to let an Official Gym Leader into an amateur Contest) and then it's time for the battle to begin!

Cilan sends out his first Pokémon, and.... it's STUNFISK! AHAHAHAHA! Luke lends out Larvesta, which looks like a shaggy worm-cocoon... thing. As Stunfisk flops about on the dry, choking dirt battlefield, Ash checks out Larvesta with his Pokédex, leaving Pikachu to struggle under the weight of the camera until Ash finally remembers his fat little rat isn't a human being and apologetically takes it back. Luke tells Cilan that Larvesta has a really strong flame and he uses it for special effects in his movies, but Cilan warns him that this is a battle and it won't be so easy. He poses dramatically, hand enlarged in the foreground as he cries out that,"IT'S EVALUATING TIME!", much to the delight of the crowd and the commentators who talk up the brave battle-cry. Burgundy is far less impressed, complaining about the worn out old line, though Georgia cattily points out that Burgundy sure is listening closely for somebody who thinks Cilan has nothing to say.

Haha, eat it, Burgundy!

Cilan clicks his fingers and orders Stunfisk to use its new move - Scald! Stunfisk blasts Larvesta with hot scalding water, bopping about happily and stupidly and stupidly happy on the ground. Larvesta takes it though, impressing Cilan with its resiliency, then uses String Shot to wrap up Stunfisk... which really doesn't seem to notice the difference! It blasts at Larvesta with Thunder Shock, but the worm dodges and uses Bug Bust to blasts Stunfisk with some kind of sonic attack. Cilan tells Larvesta to wrap it up with Flamethrower, but Cilan seems oddly unconcerned, grinning and telling Luke that he can use that Flamethrower. The twerps gape in astonishment as they watch flames envelop Stunfisk, burning it alive as Cilan just stands and watches with a small grin on his face. Finally the flames end and..... Stunfisk emerges right a rain (except in the brain, but that's nothing new) flopping about determinedly on the ground and shocking Luke and Larvesta. Cilan explains his strategy, he allowed the flames to burn away the Stringshot and free Stunfisk from being wrapped up tight. Ash is filming all of this, and Stephan provides (perhaps unintentional) narration, noting that Luke had all the momentum in the battle but now Cilan has completely turned that around.

Georgia is watching the battle carefully too, grumbling that maybe there is something to learn from this cross of fire/bug types. As she comments, Bianca is standing joyously next to her, leering the young woman up and down in the most "lecherous" non-lecherous way possible. Georgia has had enough, turning and screaming at Bianca that she is the REAL Georgia, NOT Zorua! Bianca is disappointed, then where is Zorua? Just then she looks past Georgia and notices that Axew's head is poking out of one side of Iris' hair but its butt is sticking out the other side. Delighted, Bianca leaps through the air and crashes into a shocked Iris, scrabbling to get her hands on Zorua-Axew and holding it up in triumph.... until a grumpy Iris asks her if she can't tell a real Axew when she sees one? Bianca looks around and spots the other Axew carefully tip-toeing away, turning into Zorua when it realises it has been rumbled and taking off with a giggle, chased by a determined Bianca who WILL hug it if it is the last thing she does!

Back in the battle, Cilan is explaining to Luke that a simple mistake can have lasting consequences. He says he has had a good chance to evaluate Larvesta, and it’s apparently a pretty encouraging one! He talks up its feistiness and strength along with the subtlety of being a Bug Type (how is that subtle?). Luke is delighted with the evaluation, as is Larvesta which beams happily.... until the light around Cilan's face darkens and he snaps his fingers, whispering dangerously,"However!"

"However!?!" gasps Luke, and Cilan wags his fingers as he notes that Larvesta has a limited two-dimensional take on the battlefield. Luke is furious, it hasn't evolved yet how can he expect it to.... but Cilan isn't done! He tuts Luke, telling him that he should use his imagination to envisage all the various ways to approach the battlefield, and then to demonstrate this, he has Stunfisk.... FLY!?! HE MAKES STUNFISK FLY!?!?!

Well I believe I seen everything, when I see a retarded fish fly!

Flapping its little fins about, it flaps through the air as Cilan reveals that via care and training (and VIOLATING THE LAWS OF REALITY!), and he has Stunfisk use Scald again.... but Luke IMMEDIATELY has Stunfisk use Stringshot on itself! Cilan is impressed, the move protected it from damage, but immediately has Stunfisk follow up with Mudbomb. But Luke learns fast, he has Larvesta use the mudbomb explosion to lift it into the air and make IT fly as it bursts out of the Stringshot with Flamethrower, and now the shoe (and the violation of God's laws!) is on the other foot!

Cilan is amazed, and Luke has Larvesta use Flamethrower in a direct blast on Stunfisk that burns it to a crisp and knocks it out... Luke beat Cilan! Luke is better than Trip by default! The two trainers walk into the centre and congratulate each other, Luke telling Cilan that he brought out the best in him. Cilan admits he does have an "unfortunate" tendency for encouraging his challengers a bit too much, but the two shake hands in appreciation of each other, forming a heart with their hands which proves that they are 2geva 4eva juz liek jezzie n jmas! Watching from the sideline, Burgundy admits that despite his loss Cilan is still offering evaluating advice... but it doesn't matter how nice he is, because a loss is a loss! She giggles with almost orgasmic pleasure, Georgia grunting sarcastically that Burgundy is as nice as they come.

Luke heads over and asks Ash if he managed to film the battle, and Ash happily declares that he did... only he's not holding the camera! He stares down at his own hands in surprise like he doesn't know why he isn't holding it, and then Pikachu manages to gasp out its own name. They look over to see it bearing the camera on its back. Pikachu managed to film the rest, Ash completely forgot about it but still happily declared that he did when Luke asked!

Stephan says he is so psyched up after that, and Iris asks if they're up next. Stephan can't wait, he rushes onto the field eagerly, Iris chasing him frantically crying out that it's too early they haven't been called yet! THE SCOOP and Don George prepare to call them out when they realise they're both there already. So the battle begins, the commentators belatedly announcing Iris and.... Steven!?! As Stephan moans, Iris calls out Emolga, and Stephan then brings out.....



What the fucking fuck is that fucking fuck?

Ash's eyes widen in surprise at the bizarre Pokémon - a Sawk, which his Pokédex tells him is a Karate Pokémon that gets pissed off when its training is interrupted. Iris calls over Emolga and tells it sweetly that if it uses Volt Switch it can't swap places with another Pokémon, but tells it that this battle will be a lot of fun. It seems happy enough to go along for the ride, and they turn to begin their battle... and Iris opens with Attract! Emolga blows a kiss at the FURIOUS looking Sawk, and Stephan has it use Close Combat to.... BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE ACTUAL CONCEPT OF LOVE ITSELF! O_O

Emolga puffs out its cheeks grumpily as a shocked Iris cries out how did it do that!?! Stephan explains that all Sawk are male, so they spend all day training intensely in order to defend against gender specific moves that would likely obliterate them..... also to keep them from masturbating ferociously or committing suicide when they realise the only action they'll ever get is with Ditto Hookers. Stephan has Sawk pose-off, flexing its biceps like Hulk Hogan, and Iris.... sadly doesn't order Emolga to pose off as well, calling for Hidden Power instead. Sawk uses Double Kick, blasting directly into the Hidden Power then leaping out to score a second shot on Emolga. Iris has Emolga jump backwards to avoid it, but Sawk follows through with a spin-kick RIGHT IN EMOLGA'S FACE!

The cute little rodent gets sent crashing down, and the twerps are concerned - Sawk is obviously used to going all out battlewise whereas Emolga really isn't... plus it's a fucking squirrel fighting some bizarre karate-fetish dude who has gone without sex for so long that his entire body has turned blue! But Iris isn't done, she tells Emolga to use Hidden Power again and she scores a direct shot into Sawk's face, impressing Stephan as well who suddenly asks Iris if Emolga knows any flying type moves. Iris gulps nervously and Stephan is delighted by her lack of poker face, he knows what to do now! He sends Sawk in for some Close Combat, and basically just batters the fucking shit out of Emolga..... and then gets blasted with Static! Cilan reveals it is Emolga's Special Ability, and Georgia complains about Iris' luck.... but Stephan doesn't care, he knows that Sawk can still attack and it does so, actually KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF THE FLUFFY LITTLE RODENT NOW!

Iris is freaking out, her little soft Pokémon is getting its ass handed to it, and she wonders what if anything it can do.... before she realises there IS something it can do, something ONLY Emolga can do. She calls for Attract again, and the still sparking Sawk uses Close Combat to smash the hearts out of the air. But Iris likes what she sees, and has Emolga use Attract again and again, a whole barrage of Attracts! And Sawk does what he can to beat and smash and kill the concept of love but it keeps coming and coming, overwhelming the mighty warrior as it kicks and punches and swings and..... and keeps building up that Static Electricity that Emolga hit it with till finally it reaches a critical mass and Sawk can no longer move. Trapped in place, Sawk (and Stephan!) can only watch as Emolga fires up a Volt Switch and.... BOOM! Sawk is down! Sawk is down! Iris wins her second round match and goes one-up on Georgia! Woohoo!

And all it cost was the liquidation of Emolga's internal organs!

Georgia and Burgundy glare angrily, both their rivals have outdone them, and they complain it's nothing but luck, dumb luck! Stephan takes it all in stride though, walking up to Iris and congratulating her, telling her to win the semi-final for him. She tells him she will, getting his name wrong in the process, and then they rejoin the other twerps as the top four are matched up against each other and reveal the semi-finals breakdown. It's Ash vs. Dino and Luke vs. Iris! We could potentially see an Ash vs. Iris final.... or conversely, a Dino vs. Luke final! Or one of the other variations! Luke is slightly concerned about his semi-final matchup, but Cilan assures him as the trainer that Luke beat that Luke will do fine... and Iris grumpily asks what about her, she'll be facing him! Georgia grunts that she hopes that Iris falls flat on her pudgy little face, while Burgundy just growls that she hopes they ALL lose!

The next day (presumably!) the first battle begins, and it is Dino vs. Ash! Ash calls out Palpitoad, and Dino brings out Darumaka. And with that, the first semi-final begins, as we draw in closer to the end of the Battle Tournament arc - with one important question still to be answered.....



What the hell is Don George doing posing in the middle of that picture!?!

BEST QUOTES

"Stefin, was it the same for you!?!"

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