443-444: Pokémon Ranger! Deoxys Crisis!
Dodgy Synopsis
|
447-448: Pokémon Renja! Deokishisu, Kuraishisu!
|
Today finds the twerps heading through the forest, May excited at the idea of going to the Grand Festival, while Brock is just excited to be heading back to Pewter City, and Ash just can't wait to take part in his final Frontier Brain Challenge.
They find themselves looking at a pretty view over the forest and mountains as Altaria and Swablu fly overhead, and then to their surprise and delight an Aurora atmospheric effect appears in the sky. Pikachu's cheeks start to spark and it seems confused, and then the twerps notice that the Altaria and Swablu are flying all over the place, seemingly confused themselves, and they could be in danger if they don't straighten up and fly right (see your guidance counsellors, kids!). Ash decides to call out Swellow to give them some direction, but his Pokeball won't open! Neither will May or Brock's, and Max's PokeNav isn't working either, but Brock's radar is operating fine as he spots Salona, the beautiful Pokémon Ranger (with the crotch hugging costume) they met earlier in the season. He gapes lovingly at her, but she snaps quite cattily that now isn't the time, deflating him immediately. She says they have to help the flying Pokémon, because it seems this is....
Salona's elite-not-for-plebs gear is still working, and she uses her Capture Styler to mind-control and force into slavery one of the Altaria, taking control of it and having it use Refresh before telling it to fly back to the others and take the lead. The twerps are as impressed as ever by her willingness to override free-will to get what she wants, and Ash asks what she is doing here. She explains there have been weird geo-magnetic energy readings in the area recently, which is probably what was causing problems for the Altaria and Swablu. She explains that Pikachu's sparking cheeks are due to geo-magnetic activity affecting Electric Pokémon, and the energy is probably also the cause of the Aurora they say earlier. She explains to Max that because she is a Pokémon Ranger and better and more important than a pleb like him, she gets her gear hermetically sealed to make sure if works in all conditions, and then..... oh my!
Deoxys!
Yes the bizarre alien tentacle monster of doom has arrived through some sort of distortion in the sky. It stares right at Max (you'd think with those tentacles it would be more interested in May or Salona) who gets a sudden flash of INFINITE COLD DOOM OF SPACE FOREVER BLACKNESS DESPAIR IN MY SOUL I CUT MYSELF TO FEEEEEEEEEEL before Deoxys disappears, and the startled twerps and Pokémon Ranger head off towards the local Pokémon Centre.
Brock hits on Nurse Joy immediately, only to get dragged away immediately by Max, before Joy explains to Salona that her computers are all down due to the geo-magnetic activity... since apparently Pokémon Centres aren't as important as Rangers so they don't get hermetically sealed. Salona tells her that they saw a Deoxys, and believes this may be the source of the geo-magnetic activity, as Deoxys has been seen in the area once before nearly a decade ago, Joy adding that it coincided with the crashing of a meteor from space into nearby mountains. Salona decides she needs to go investigate where the meteor crashed and Max begs to come along as well, overriding May's protests by saying that he doesn't know why, but he MUST go.
Salona might be an elitist with a penchant for mind-controlling Pokémon to suit her own purposes before tossing them aside like trash, but she also knows that it is bad PR to let a kid die on your watch, and she insists that Max and the others stay here at the Pokémon Centre, and surprisingly enough the others all agree with her.
Yes Team Rocket are keen to grab Deoxys for the Boss, and we are treated to another patented crazy Meowth Giovanni fantasy, as we see the Criminal Mastermind opening the shutters of his massive mansion, saying "dis is da kind of glorious day dat turns his head to da wild blue yonder o space", and then Deoxys arrives to help him make his dream come true. Of course "dis blasting off stuff is amazing" so he decides to make Jesse, James and Meowth very wealthy! In reality, Jesse and James think this is the most likely end result of tackling a mysterious tentacled monster from space!
Salona heads into the forest, while we are treated to a mysterious shot of the Sun burning away in space with no explanation. Her Plusle seems to be feeling the geomagnetic waves as they arrive at a cave entrance, but before they can enter, she hears the bushes rustle and turns around, demanding that Max comes out. He does, insisting that he just HAS to see Deoxys even if he doesn't know why, and then the rest of the twerps arrive, having come looking for Max. Salona doesn't seem too impressed to see them there, but agrees that they can come along since they've come all this way (it's how the Germans took Poland! They'd come all that way it would have been impolite to send them back!). Max heads in first followed by the others, and then Team Rocket arrive, James moaning that there is something creepy in that cave, causing Meowth to snap at him that he doesn't need any scared Drama Queens.
Meowth snaps at James as they walk along inside the cave, declaring that someone has to be the man of the house. (Hear that Blueshippers? Meowth is the "man" in that relationship!)
Further in the cave, the twerps notice that the Geo-Magnetic interference seems to be reducing. Max moves ahead, insisting that the twerps hurry up, and up ahead they discover a Miltank cowering ahead of them, but Salona doesn't see a scared Pokémon in need in comfort, she sees something she can take and use for as long as she needs before dumping it. She "captures" it, turning it into her slave before she and the rest of the twerps head on and find the huge meteor they have been looking for, and Max cries out for Deoxys to come out. He asks Salona if she is sure that it is what is causing the geo-magnetic weirdness, saying that for some reason he thinks that it isn't Deoxys' fault, but he can't explain why.
The sun keeps on burning, Gentle Dodgers, out there in the infinite reaches of space, and Pikachu's cheeks spark as elsewhere Jesse giggles that the guest of honour must be nearby. Meowth rushes ahead and James tries to head in the other direction, only to be dragged back by Jesse.
By the meteorite, the air distorts and Deoxys arrives, poking its head through and looking pretty damn pissed as its tentacles flail and Pikachu's cheeks spark. Plusle is apparently also in pain as Deoxys blasts Psycho-Boost at them, everyone dodging before Pikachu uses Thunderbolt against Deoxys. It shields itself and Salona decides to "capture" it rather than deal with any crap like talking to it, befriending it or any of that other bollocks that other Trainers do in their bid to improve their own lives and those of their Pokémon. However, Deoxys can only be "captured" if it is in "Normal Form", as it moves between four different forms - Offence, Defence, Normal and Speed. She sends out her Capture Spinning Top, but Deoxys moves to Speed Form and darts easily aside, glaring at them all and babbling in its electronically distorted voice, changing back to normal form. Salona ignores its efforts at communication, completely disinterested in anything but her own goals. The Capture Spinning Top zips around Deoxys and begins to close in, but then Deoxys changes itself to Defence Form, knocking away the capture attempt as it refuses to be made into a slave, no matter how temporarily.
It blasts at them with Psycho-Boost again as Team Rocket watch from afar, Jesse enjoying watching Deoxys beat the shit out of the twerps. She notes the pain it is dealing out is a "nice touch" and James mumbles that this is her type of thing, while Meowth is actually LISTENING to Deoxys and tells them that it is in some kind of pain. Deoxys flits about as we once again see the Sun burning away in space, and Max insists that there is something wrong with Deoxys. Salona reluctantly concedes that she might actually have to show some empathy, checking out Deoxys with her elite-not-for-the-plebs gear and finds out what has been obvious to everyone else, Deoxys is in excruciating pain. she then remembers the terrified Miltank that she forced into slavery and has it use Heal Bell to send waves of healing energy throughout the room, covering Deoxys which seems to relax slightly, and Salona immediately resorts to her base (and preferred) strategy, SLAVERY!
We said.... ROOTS MOTHERFUCKER! ROOTS!
Deoxys continues trying to communicate with them despite Salona's obvious disinterest in anything but her own goals, and continues to blast Psycho-Boost at them, sending them crashing down as Miltank shakes off the mind control enslaving it and cheeses it the hell out of there, embracing freedom as.... PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!
"And make it double, no muss no fuss!"
"An evil as old as the galaxy!"
"Sent here to fulfil our destiny!"
"Meowth dat's me!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jesse!"
"And James!"
"And Meowth's my name!"
"Whenever there’s peace in the universe!"
"Team Rocket!"
"Will be dere!"
"To make everything worse!" they finish together.
"WOBBBBBB-UFFET!"
"Mime Mime!"
Yes it's Team Rocket... well momentarily at least until Deoxys emerges behind them and Jesse and James fall off the meteor. Meowth is left behind and begs Deoxys to say something, asking it to explain why it is feeling bad. Max clambers up the meteor as May calls for it come back but doesn't actually do anything to stop him. Getting up next to Meowth, Max asks what it is saying, but Meowth replies that he really doesn't understand space lingo, and then a Safeguard surrounds the meteor, trapping the twerps, Salona and Team Rocket outside as inside Meowth and Max try to communicate, and Meowth starts spasming before glowing white and..... HOLY SHIT!
"I'm scared" declares Meowth emotionlessly, his body and mind taken over by Deoxys. Max asks it what it is scared of and insists he will listen to it, and we hear the tale of how Deoxys came to Earth after travelling through space on the meteor, moaning that it was cold, so cold, and it was scared.... and then Deoxys, Meowth and Max are lifted into the air as Meowth mutters it is so cold, so scared, so alone, and then they all disappear into a distortion in the air and.... are gone!
At the Pokémon Centre soon after, Jesse, James and Mime Jr. flood the floor with tears as they moan that Meowth is missing and they HAVE to get him back, appealing to the twerps sense of decency and asking them to ignore that they themselves don't have one! The twerps agree to team up with them, so Team Rocket decide to move out immediately.... only for Nurse Joy to point out that they don't actually know where they are going.
Salona has gotten information from other Rangers though, and explains to them all the concept of solar wind. When she first asks them if they'd heard of it, Ash mumbles,"....don't think so...." since he doesn't even really remember what the concept of breakfast is. She explains that a higher concentration of sunspots than normal have created larger solar winds than normal, and the wave of solar winds seem to match the same frequency as the geo-magnetic disturbance.. . but oddly enough, they don't appear to be the source of the geo-magnetic disturbance, rather it seems to be the meteor itself.
Meanwhile.....
HOLY PHALLIC SYMBOLISM, BATMAN!
Meowth gasps that they're in some kind of kids room (what the hell kind of kids' rooms has he been in!??!?!) and then tells Max that he doesn't remember what happened to get them there. Deoxys shows up and glares at them with its unblinking eyes, then takes over Meowth again and communicates, telling Max that this is "its room" and says that it hates the cave, THIS is its room. Max ignores the chilling sociopathic nature of the monologue and asks it where it comes from, and it replies space, far far away from here. It explains that it came with the meteor through space, through cold and loneliness, and all it wanted was a friend in the silence and cold and loneliness and other incredibly deep and depressing concepts that will probably make Max have nightmares for the rest of his life. Then there was a massive explosion as the meteor crashed into the earth, coming to a stop deep down in the cave. Deoxys was happy momentarily to be out of cold space, but no one was around and it was alone and sad and it couldn't come out of the cave because it was so scared. Max tells it that it isn't alone now, and tells it there are plenty of Pokémon on the planet, the place isn't as lonely as it thinks.
Meanwhile the twerps, Salona and Team Rocket are back in the cave with Nurse Joy. A cold wind blows up, scaring James and enraging Jesse who snaps at him to stop being such a scaredy cat. They call out their Pokémon to help them find Max and Meowth, which all split up to look. Ash asks Salona what she plans to do to help Deoxys, and she replies that her first plan of action is to capture it...
A disturbance registers on their scanning equipment, and Pikachu and Plusle both seem weak, so Ash puts Pikachu into his backpack, while Nurse Joy takes Plusle. They head on as back in the "kid’s room" Deoxys cringes from pain and Meowth comes back to himself, still not remembering what happens when he is under control. They realise they can see the inside of the cave where the other Pokémon have arrived, and Max calls out to them, only for Deoxys to fly off as the twerps and Team Rocket show up and see Max and Meowth in the room. Deoxys emerges and glares at them as solar winds wash over the Earth, and Pikachu and Plusle feel worse and worse. The meteor crackles with energy and fries Brock's reader, and Salona confirms that it is the meteor and not Deoxys that is causing the geo-magnetic disturbance.
Solana warns them all to get out as the disturbance increases, and they start running as the meteor sets off an atmospheric explosion and we get a traditional "blown forward by an explosion" action shot.
Outside, the Pokémon check on the humans, May's cock rubbing Jesse's ass and giving her a bit of a shock, while a wet pussy blasts liquid into James' face and.... ughh, that was pathetic, it really was. Anyways, they realise they were blown out of the cave, which out of control energy is pouring from. Salona realises that the meteor is the cause of Deoxys' pain, and May realises it has been trying to tell it all this time, through the intermediary of Meowth. Storm clouds roll in caused by a drop in atmospheric pressure and Salona immediately declares that she MUST turn Deoxys into a slave in order to "help" it, and insists that the twerps help to restrain it and keep it in normal form long enough for her to capture it and add it to her list of conquests to show off to the other range.... to capture it and HELP IT HELP ITSELF YEAH THAT'S IT!
Deoxys blasts Psycho-Boost at them, which Sceptile, Combusken and Marshtomp try unsuccessfully to block with Bullet Seed, Fire Spin and Water Gun. Nurse Joy cries out that they're trying to help but Deoxys Psycho-Boosts everything around it before swooping around so Solana can't capture it. Sceptile tries to Bullet Seed it while Swellow follows it around, using Aerial Ace to smash into the alien Pokémon before using Swift Attack, but missing due to Deoxys' speed form. Swellow then tries to dodge Deoxys' attack itself but isn't fast enough, getting knocked down as the storm clouds bring down lightning and the meteor begins breaking up the earth around it. Sceptile tries Solar Beam while the "room" appears in the sky and Meowth and Max call out to Jesse, James and May. Jesse insists that James get him out (with what, a spoon? demands James) as around them the mountain begins to break up and explode. Joy notes there are plenty of Pokémon about that could be hurt or killed by this, while Deoxys appears to be spasming in atrocious pain. Solana simply watches and waits for Normal Form, and then tries once again to capture it but goddamn you stubborn bitch roots motherfucker roots! Slavery ain't the answer!
May drags Max out of the now out of control "kid’s room" before Jesse hauls out Meowth while Deoxys continues to cringe in pain. Sceptile chases after the unblinking alien, grabbing hold of it and releasing a built-up Solar Beam.
Salona tries once again as Deoxys cringes in spasming pain, and this time she is successful in "capturing" the alien, taking control of its mind and will. She forces it to use Recover (gee it never would have thought of that itself) and declares that her strategy has "worked" even through Deoxys doesn't seem to be any better whatsoever. The ground begins exploding up towards them, but Deoxys moves ahead of them - seemingly without the command of Salona - and uses Safeguard to hold back the explosion.... and then magically, without any reason whatsoever, everything is apparently okay now!
Max thanks Deoxys for rescuing every one of them, and Deoxys communicates through Meowth to say that of course it did, Max is his friend. It tells him it is going to travel the world and meet all the Pokémon the world has to offer, then lifts up, circles and disappears as the Aurora reappears and Salona calls up the Rangers to tell them mission complete... despite the fact that the disturbance causing meteor is STILL there and in another ten years sunspots are going to cause even more problems!
But hey, who cares about the future, Salona got to put an X through her "Pokémon I've Captured" scrapbook and show off to all the other elitist Rangers. And neither the twerps or Team Rocket are smart enough to see through the fact that her "help" didn't actually accomplish anything whatsoever. Hell, what do they care? They're happy enough just staring at the pretty Aurora that if anything is yet another sign that the geo-magnetic issues have NOT been resolved.
So.... uhhh.... enjoy the "happy" ending......!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I implore you to look to your sense of decency and ignore the fact that we don't have any!" |
|
