415: A Hurdle For Squirtle
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417: Pokémon Kontesuto, Yamabuki Taikai!! Kohen
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The contest quickly begins after Lillian introduces herself (and her ridiculously tight shorts) and the Judges - and yes Mr Contesta and Mr Sukizo have shown up from the Hoenn Region, as apparently they make a LOT of air miles, with the local Nurse Joy again been given the "honour" of filling in the numbers. Backstage, Harley figures May really is an incredible moron and tries to pretend that he accidentally gave her the wrong info, but she's not falling for it again (she's not Ash, after all!) and tells him she means to win the Contest. He drops the act immediately and makes it clear that qualifying for entry is as far as she is going to get.
Onstage, Lillian announces the first Contestant is.... Harley! He comes out to applause as the twerps scowl, while elsewhere in the crowd James and Meowth aren't too pleased to see the so-fruity-he-makes-James-look-like-a-bag-of-nuts Coordinator back in their lives.
Harley brings out his Cacturne and has it use Cotton Spore, sending out small balls of cotton that circle around it and hover up and down apparently on command. Harley then orders a Needle-Arm Attack and everyone waits to see what will happen.... and nothing does! Everyone is confused but Harley who grows smugger and smugger as the murmuring grows - then snaps his fingers and the needles burst free and.... penetrate Cacturne's own balls!
But the judges are very impressed, much to the consternation of the twerps who have to admit, Harley may be a douche, but he's good!
May is watching backstage, Squirtle clutching fearfully to her bosom (oh like you wouldn't) as they both realise they've got a tough contest ahead of them.
A series of Coordinators follow, all of them unimportant and sure not to be of any consequence to anything... and then out comes "Empress Jessebella"! Her hair is still cut short but nobody notices because GODDAMN her dress is painted on..... and not in the way that animated characters normally have their clothes painted on but in a sexual way.... well I suppose there's a sub-fetish of people turned on by watching animators use digital paint but this isn't the.... ahhh forget it, she's wearing an elegant red dress designed to show off her hips and tits, as all good dresses must!
Calling out Cacnea, the two brace themselves and then charge at each other before the startled crowd and..... HUG!?!
The crowd is astonished! Not just because this is an incredibly bizarre way to start a contest, but also due to the hideous spikes even now stabbing into her stomach, arms, and most importantly, her boobs!
Gritting her teeth and holding out against the pain, the crowd actually have tears in their eyes as they consider the pain she must be in - Pikachu actually scratches the back of its ear in consternation.
Jesse has Cacturne use Pin Missile and it fires up white missiles which crash together in the air above them in a VERY impressive explosion which causes beautiful fireworks to cascade around them. The Judges love it, and James and Meowth are ecstatic, Jesse is sure to get through to the next round! Even May backstage is starting to feel a slight panic.... these Kanto competitors are hardcore!
Lillian announces the next Coordinator... then stops as she realises that Empress Jessebella still hasn't left the stage.... in fact she isn't moving at all! She hisses at Jesse to get off the stage as she continues to stand hugging Cacnea, gritting her teeth in pain before falling backwards at the slightest nudge from Lillian and falling backwards to crash into the ground. Chansey tosses her onto a stretcher and wheels her out, showing a lot of leg (Jesse, not Chansey!) which is sure to get her some more points from Mr. Contesta at least.
Out next is May, with Squirtle obviously suffering a bad case of stage fright. May tells it not to worry, it'll soon get used to the crowd.... and besides it isn't up this round at all, it's just watching. She calls out Combusken and then tosses her bandana through the air, Combusken letting loose with a Flamethrower which sends the bandanna into the air, then leaps up and uses Sky Upper Cut in quick succession to keep the bandana floating in the air.
At this point, I couldn't help but think,"Wow, these contests force the animators and writers to come up with creative uses for Pokémon powers...." and then they went and screwed it up by having May's bandana "magically" tie itself back up in midair and land on May's head.
The top eight are selected, and by an absolutely shocking turn of events that includes Harley, Jesse and May! What a shock!
Random seeding takes place, and the first match of the next round will be Harley versus Jesse. Backstage, Harley tells May she lucked out since now she won't be humiliated, until the final match.... but is Harley making a mistake if he is looking past his next opponent, who just so happens to be.... A MUMMY!
Tearing off her bandages to reveal that they left her dress on underneath (the entire and only reason to become a paramedic is to have an excuse to take hot women's clothes OFF!), she pronounces herself proudly as Empress Jessebella and tells Harley that she is going to beat HIM and go through to the Final Match. Both insist the other is going to be the victim, then both turn and point to May to tell her she'll be next.
Wait! What if one of the other Coordinators makes it throHAHAHAHAHA I'm sorry I couldn't finish that.
May insists they'll be going down (Unlikely, if James won't, Harley would never!), while apparently the other five Coordinators have been left huddled in obscurity in some shitty other locker-room where they're lucky to get peanut butter on crackers and a glass of water.
HEY TRAINERS, WHICH OF THESE POKEMON IS THE HEAVIEST!?! SNORLAX, GROUDON OR WAILORD!?! IF YOU CHOSE THE GIANT VOLCANO MONSTER THEN WELL DONE, YOU'RE NOT FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED!
The next round kicks off with Harley vs Empress Jessebella - two Queens going at it full tilt. Harley brings out Ariados as the 5 minute timer begins, and Jessebella calls out.... WOBBUFFET!?!?!
WOBBUFFET!?!?!
"Why Wobbuffet?" asks James, and Meowth is similarly perplexed. Ash doesn't get it (no surprise there) but Jesse helpfully provides a reason, if only in her own head, charmingly illustrated by a happy drawing of a delighted Wobbuffet using Counter to turn back Ariados' attack and return it at twice the power.
But Harley is no fool, and refuses to attack her, instead just.... standing there staring at Jessebella who stares back. The twerps figure out what is going on, but point out the obvious - if neither attacks, then neither can win!
The crowd begins to murmur, the judges look annoyed, and Lillian is getting frantic as she senses they're losing the crowd and probably any home audience if the contest is being televised. As Master of Ceremonies, she declares she has little choice but to issue a yellow card to both, causing them to both lose half their points!
Jesse is horrified, as is Harley, but Lillian is not moved, and the two Coordinators quickly turn their fury on each other, blaming the other for the points loss and quickly resorting to name-calling, Harley telling her she is a phony Empress and she replying he has a dumb mushroom hat! Lillian warns them both that another yellow card may see them both disqualified and a furious Harley agrees to attack... which is sure to give Jesse the victory!
Except Harley has Ariados use Stringshot, a defensive move that zooms through Wobbuffet's counter and wraps it up! Before Jesse's horrified eyes, Harley begins to prance about, imitated by Ariados which moves the Stringshot which makes Wobbuffet dance too!
How humiliating!
Jesse's points are slowly being stripped out as the crowd laughs and the Judges chat happily and backstage May is forced to admit that Harley is a damn good Coordinator. Ariados hauls Wobbuffet up and crashes it down onto its own back to remove the last of Jesse's points - and Harley is through to the semi-finals!
"I'm all.... washed out," moans Jesse, the colour fading out of her as she collapses, while Meowth and James suffer a similar fate.
It should come as no surprise that Harley and May then burn through their other competitors and find themselves locked in for the Final Round - 5 minutes to see if Harley can get revenge on May for.... uhhh... well she's never really done anything to warrant his attitude towards her.
May calls out Squirtle (with an oddly lingering close up shot on her tits for no apparent reason) against Ariados, and Ariados quickly puts a pounding on it, using Stringshot to swing in with Scary Face and horrify Squirtle into rolling backwards towards May and her comforting breasts. She tells it not to worry and tells it to use Ice Beam, but it is knocked off its own feet by the attack, squirming around on its back as Ariados leaps up to the roof and hauls Squirtle up like a spider ready to eat a fly.
Harley laughs as May panics and Squirtle lies between Ariados' legs like a helpless baby. Brock grumbles that he had just assumed Harley would resort to cheating because it never occurred to him that somebody could be a jerk AND a competent Trainer, while Ash hilariously yells out to May to use her brain!
Luckily for May, Harley gets arrogant and can't resist the chance to show-off and humiliate her. He tells Ariados to fire Spider Webs all over the Arena to create an "incredible yet eerie effect" according to Lillian. Ariados spins Squirtle about and tosses it into a web hammock, as Harley creams over the opportunity for his revenge on May for defeating him in the past. He sends in Ariados for a quick Double Edge, and Squirtle's weak, squirming Bubble Beam is easily charged through by Ariados as May's points are almost all used up and Harley remains at full strength.
But then May remembers Squirtle getting knocked on its ass earlier by its own Ice Beam and suddenly realises what needs to be done - Ice Beam! The powerful, uncontrolled attack blasts Squirtle out of the web, freezing Ariados at the same time AND making the webs that Harley so kindly put up to humiliate her sparkle with shiny ice. Harley is horrified, how did it all go wrong so quickly? May has Squirtle use Bubble Beam again, smashing into the frozen Ariados. Harley tries desperately to have Ariados get back on the front foot, but the iced-up web causes its legs to scrabble wildly and it skids out of control as Squirtle slides down the webline and tackles Ariados down..... and out!
MAY WINS!
Holy crap!
Harley, who only seconds earlier had been on track to achieve a perfect victory against his most hated rival has seen his dreams shattered once again. He calls Ariados back into its Pokeball and tells it that it did a good job, then unfortunately says,"No way I could have lost.... stupid contest must have been rigged."
Why unfortunately? Because you could swear for a second he actually called May a stupid cunt!
So with the contest over, the twerps are reunited outside the Hall as the sun sets. Harley has been defeated, May has her first Kanto Ribbon, and now the time has come once again for Ash to head after his next Frontier Symbol. So off they go, once again into adventures with characters of the day and filler episodes ahead... with one slight difference.
Because next time, Gentle Dodgers, marks the end of an era! Join us next episode as we say goodbye to some old friends and see in a brand new era for Pokémon!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "You just have to think!" |
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