406: Numero Uno Articuno
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408: Uijin! Batoru Fakutori! (Zenpen)
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Goddammit!
After finally ditching the clingy ex, Ash was looking to get to his first Battle Frontier Location but Max and Brock between them seem to have gotten them all lost in a forest as the sun sets and night sets in. Brock thinks they must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, but Max is convinced they're "almost" there, and the word of a small obnoxious child is all the reassurance that Ash needs! No matter what, he intends to be...
That night as the moon shine bright down on them; Ash is less than enthusiastic as he roars at Max for walking them around in circles for hours. Brock suggests they camp out for the night, but Ash is too fired up and roars that he'll never get to sleep now, and Pikachu joins in with a squeaking roar till May shuts the boys up by mooning them.
GETCHA MINDA OUTTA THE GUTTA!
She points out the bright shining full moon to them, and as they all look they are surprised to see a trail of snow drifting down over them. Looking for the source of it, they are shocked to see Articuno flying above them in the clear night sky. As they watch, amazed, a rickety old plane flies overhead, kicking out smoke as it lifts up beside Articuno and keeps pace beside for a few moments before a big blast of smoke from its backside (the plane, not Articuno) covers the twerps. When it clears, they're left sootfaced and with no idea where Articuno and the plane have gone.
Not far away in the forest, Team Rocket are also sootfaced but delighted, sure that the Battle Factory must be nearby and that the Articuno can be captured and given to the Boss. That actually IS a Pokémon that Giovanni would love to have, and no patented Crazy Meowth Giovanni Fantasy is needed to explain why.... but we get one anyway! Why? Because Meowth is insane and wants any excuse to imagine Giovanni half-naked between the sheets!
Fantasy Giovanni struts around in his boxer shorts, unable to get his AC, electric or paper fans to cool him down. He collapses from heat stroke after begging for help when suddenly Articuno arrives and flutters his nipples erect with a wave of snow, and Fantasy-Giovanni promises to give Meowth and friends a raise!
Meowth you crazy ass fuck.
As Meowth stares wide-eyed far away into the distance, James belatedly remembers that Articuno is a legendary Pokémon for a reason... so how are they going to catch it? Meowth and Jesse hangs their heads, depressed, as they realise they have no plan, while James ponders over whether any of their previous brilliant (but not so well executed) plans have worked in the past.
The answer is no, no they haven't.
But with flames in his eyes (of course!) James insists that they are the new and improved Team Rocket and they WILL find the Battle Factory and they WILL capture Pikachu and other Pokémon too!
Well that complete lack of a plan is sure to work!
Meanwhile the twerps have found a tiny little out of the way Pokémon Centre in the middle of the forest, and enter joyfully to a warm place, a comfortable bed for the night... and Nurse Joy!
Brock hilariously promises her he will ditch the "bunch of kids" he is travelling with at a word from her, as callous negligence is a real turn-on for lots of women. She giggles uneasily as he gets himself more and more worked up.... and really, what lady could resist... THIS!?!
Not many, that's for sure!
Max drags him away by the ear, and Ash asks if she knows the way to the Battle Factory. She says she'll give them directions tomorrow but for now they should settle in for the night.
The next morning, Joy meets them outside to give them directions... but Uncle Buck beats her to it!
Scott - protected from the cold by his lard - stands in short-sleeved Hawaiian shirt and white shorts drinking a coffee. He tells them he will take them to the Battle Factory, and then proceeds to drive like AN ACTION PROFESSOR FROM ACTION UNIVERSITY, DES MOINES - zooming up a cliffside and through the forest, recklessly endangering the kids in his red sportscar as he laughs that he hasn't driven this slow since the last time he drove with his Grandmother.
They spin out of the forest (literally!) and pull to a stop at the Battle Factory, where the twerps are left splayed over the car looking miserable, causing Scott to remark that he must have forgotten his deodorant this morning. But they quickly recover as they find themselves facing.... THE BATTLE FACTORY!
Oh shit, these motherfuckers aren't playing around.
A rumbling sound catches their attention and Scott seems concerned.... and then a Smurfamatic Smurfulator comes bursting out of the Factory! Oh Jesus it is going to destroy the Smurfs!
Wait wait.... no it's just a hyper-armoured smoke and fire blasting home-made APC! That's MUCH less terrifying than a giant smurf-killing lawnmower!
Scott has the twerps call out their Pokémon to blast the fuck out of the out-of-control smoking tank, slowing it down. A sleeveless coat wearing muscular young man with a red flat-cap pops out of the tank cursing the useless machine, than happily saying hello to Scott and the twerps and thanking them for saving him his "best project yet".
It's the Noland J-9, according to the side-burned man (named Noland!), and it is a "steam-powered dream machine" that he put together himself. He asks for feedback from the twerps who try to be diplomatic, and then his apprentice Sergei arrives to lament his Boss "playing" with another toy, while Noland insists he wasn't playing, just enjoying his "hobby".
Noland introduces himself at last as the Factory Head, and Ash doesn't know what that is. Scott simplifies things by explaining that this means that Noland is the Frontier Brain and Ash immediately challenges him to a match.... immediately! And Noland likes the headstrong, leap before you look attitude and accepts!
Team Rocket are watching from a distance, and James is still being vague about their "new" plan, but the others are confident that whatever it is, THIS half-baked, completely ludicrous plan is sure to succeed where all the other half-baked, completely ludicrous plans failed!
Sergei calls in a large assortment of powerful looking Pokémon to get some Pokeblock, and Munchlax jumps in to join them, much to May's horror. Sergei insists that it is okay to passively encourage such rude and greedy behaviour, as he has plenty of food, so they allow Munchlax to continue chowing down along with the others.
Noland explains to Ash that he collects a large variety of Pokémon because it gives him more options for battling. He asks Ash to choose which Pokémon he wants Noland to use, surprising Ash who appreciates the offer and starts freaking out because he can't decide which one he wants to fight the most. A regular, "smart" person would choose the weakest Pokémon to fight again, and that is why regular "smart" people don't get invited to the Battle Frontier, because they want someone like Ash who will go for the best, most amazing battle possible.
Meanwhile, Munchlax is getting even greedier than usual thanks to Sergei's weak ass lack of discipline, and rushes off with a bowl of Pokeblock, chased by May and Max.
Up in their vantage point, Jesse and Meowth have decided they want to steal ALL of Noland's Pokémon, but James is the voice of reason, suggesting that getting greedy is when things tend to fall apart for them. Meowth fobs him off though, telling him not to worry his "pretty, blue head", causing James to quietly insist that it is lavender.
Haha!
May and Max run deep into a giant brick hangar, swallowed by the darkness and barely able to see anything. But then they spot it sitting up on a box chowing down greedily and shamefully on all the food. It turns to look at them and May tries to call it down as they notice the plane they saw the previous evening... and then an icy wind sweeps down over her chest (don't look, Gentle Dodgers, you'll be arrested!) and her and Max think that Munchlax is using some kind of Ice Attack.... before the truth is revealed.
Oh. Fuck.
Articuno sweeps past them and out of the hangar, spotted by an astonished Ash, Brock and Scott. Noland chuckles as May and Max rejoin them (Munchlax lying on his back snoozing by the water) and admits that he was hiding Articuno. The twerps are amazed, thinking that he captured the Legendary Ice-Bird, but he explains that he is just its friend and it is a wild Pokémon. He recounts the tale of their first meeting, when he was flying and encountered Articuno high amongst the clouds. It had an injured wing and was struggling to keep aloft, and he tucked the plane beneath it and let it settle down on the wings and be flown in to safety and treatment. Ever since, it has periodically returned to visit him, and now Max wants Noland to show it off like a pet monkey and be taken for a flight with it. Noland takes him and Pikachu up into the air in the plane to fly alongside Articuno, which decides to race with Noland who eagerly takes up the challenge.... and Max be damned!
May wonders if she'll be taken up into the air as well by Noland (insert your own crude sex joke here, Gentle Dodgers) as Ash returns from having made a phone call. Just then a glint of light in the air catches their attention, and they turn to see a bizarre plane- robot hybrid come zooming, crashing into a landing directly before them - a blue robo- plane with a red R on it!
"And make it double, it actually flew!
"An evil as old as the galaxy!"
"Sent here to fulfil our destiny!"
"Wif Meowth that's me!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"Add Meowth to da names!"
"And where there's peace in the universe..."
"Team Rocket..."
"...will be dere!"
"To make everything worse!"
"WOBBUFFET!"
"CHIIIIME!"
Up above, Noland has spotted Team Rocket and Max explains they're crooks. On the ground, Team Rocket reveal they mean to steal all of Noland's Pokémon, but Ash has other ideas, sending in Pikachu to... oh wait, Pikachu's up in the plane!
You doofus, Ash.
He tries to call out Grovyle, but a mechanical grabber arm gets the Pokeball from Ash's hands as Team Rocket celebrate. Meowth reveals the long ass name of their latest contraption which James helpfully cuts down to G, A, G, M, E.... till Jesse points out that this spells gag me.
Many have dreamed of doing so, Jesse, and not just from a sexual standpoint!
They fly up dramatically into the air to prepare their catch... mechanical grabber arms hauling the Pokémon up... and then Noland crashes through them and drops all the Pokémon to the ground, slamming face first with a thudding impact while Ash successfully captures the one Pokémon that was in no danger whatsoever of being hurt by the fall - his Grovyle inside its Pokeball.
Articuno swoops down and hauls the robo-plane up into the air with sheer strength, impressing everyone while Noland himself is impressed by.... Team Rocket's robot! As James and Meowth comment appreciatively on Articuno's sheer strength, Jesse snaps at them to cut out the fan worship. Articuno spins them around and flings them through the air, then blasts them out of the sky and sends them blasting off again!
Well duh, it's a fucking Legendary Pokémon!
That night everyone is having a meal and drinks of orange juice (they're all fucking drunks, especially the children!) and Ash has had a few too many as he reveals that the Pokémon he wants Noland to use in their fight is... Articuno!
Oh snap! You dead, Ash!
Noland asks Articuno if it wants to take part and it accepts, and then asks Ash which Pokémon he plans to use. What an idiotic decision by Ash, none of his Pokémon will have the ability to defeat a Legendary Pokémon like that, not a goddamn one, he's lost his first Battle Frontier match before it has even started, he simply cannot win, he-
And then, Ash reveals his choice.
I humbly retract my statement.
This is going to be FUCKING AWESOME!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Listen, I realise I'm travelling with a bunch of kids, but.... just say the word and I'll ditch 'em in a second!" "Don't worry dat pretty blue head of yas, I gotta plan!" "....it's lavender...."
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