397: Saved by the Beldum
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399: Yobisenkyo Sutaato! Masamune Toujou!
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Ash tests out his Pokémon’s moves, Quick Attacks and Thunderbolts racing, Glalie blasting ice Beams and.... Fat Misty with Balls comes hoofing along chasing another ridiculously oversized sandwich (not a rice ball at all, no no, it's a giant sandwich!) trying to protect it from Glalie's Ice-Beam, falling into the lake.
He surfaces frozen, and after thawing out grabs Ash by the shoulders in a strangely affectionate greeting.... almost as if he is actually Misty in disguise desperately trying to get back onto the team!
After revealing he finally won his 8th Badge, Morrison is impressed by Ash's collection of Pokémon, and decides to show off his own.... and it IS impressive! A Beldum, Girafarig, Steelix, Swampert, Gligar and a Growlithe.
Ash and Morrison both insist THEY are the ones who will win.... and then promptly start racing each other to nowhere in particular, charging into the forest and leaving Brock and their Pokémon behind and... straight into a hole!
"Prepare for trouble, how've ya been!" says Jesse, standing at a bizarre angle.
"Make it double, thanks for dropping in!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"And James."
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare for a fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
"WOBBBUFFET!"
"CHIME CHHIIIIIME!"
Jesse and James shove their faces down the hole to reveal that they dug the hole REALLY FUCKING QUICKLY when they saw Ash and Morrison reveal their Pokémon teams before racing towards them. Now with the two weak humans out of the way, they're clear to go and steal the multitude of incredibly powerful creatures with superpowers!
But before they can leave, they find their path blocked by Tyson and his Meowth-In-Boots. Meowth insists he and his "Meowthkateer" get out of their way, but Meowth-In-Boots calmly and coolly insults Meowth back, infuriating the deranged little Scratch-Cat who only wants to bask in his unhealthy passion for his Vince McMahon looking Boss.
After a joke about hairy balls, Meowth has had enough and tries to throw down with Meowth-in-Boots phallic Iron Tail, knocking him back into Team Rocket and sending them blasting off early!
Ash and Morrison are out of the hole with absolutely no trouble whatsoever and thank Tyson, and then Brock runs up and warns Morrison that he isn't registered yet.... and Morrison doesn't even know what registration is! When he finds out, he races off in a hurry, making it with five minutes to spare and getting registered. He thanks Tyson and Meowth-in-Boots for their help, but Meowth-In-Boots walks off rather cattily (well, he is a cat...) and Tyson mumbles something about it having "been through a lot" and runs off after it, offering Morrison good luck in the preliminaries. Morrison tells him he'll have to look out for him, then asks Ash what the preliminaries actually are, freaking out Ash who can't believe fat Misty with balls doesn't know... and then struggling to actually explain it himself.
Mama Brock comes to the rescue and explains that the preliminaries are where the hundreds of competitors who have qualified are narrowed down in one on one battles to the final 256.
Yes, hundreds of people who successfully got 8 badges will be sent home based on ONE bad match before the Championships even begin!
May ponders where Ash OR Morrison are ready for such a big deal considering how little they seem to know about it, but they're determined that they WILL make it through, no problem.
The preliminaries begin, and Ash sits in the crowd watching as Morrison and Beldum throw down on Electabuzz and his juju-lipped trainer. The only move that Beldum has is Takedown though, and it is constantly being countered by Electabuzz much to the delight of its trainer. After smashing it away again and again, Electabuzz comes back with a Thunder Punch that drives it down deep into the ground. The only choice that Morrison has is another Takedown, and once again Beldum tries and once again it is countered with a brutal looking move.
Morrison goes back to the well again and Beldum comes out with a Takedown, but again Electabuzz smashes it into the ground - this time with a Thunderbolt. Beldum keeps coming back though, Mr. Juju practically coming in his pants as he orders another Thunder Punch and Beldum..... evolves!
Into a motherfucking METANG!
The huge flying saucer with popeye arms is ready to fight, and this time Metang has more than one move to use - freezing Electabuzz with Confusion and then running Electabuzz down with another Takedown and knocking it out, giving Morrison the victory.
And THAT dreadful display is why there is a difference between Contest Battles and "regular" battles, Gentle Dodgers, because that was a fucking horrible fight won by pure luck!
HEY TRAINERS, WHICH OF THESE POKEMON EVOLVES FROM TENTACOOL!?! OCTILLERY, TENTACRUEL OR REMORAID!?! THE ANSWER IS..... ah jeez come on guys, at least make it SEEM hard......
As the preliminaries go on, Team Rocket are back and they're working an old, dark and bitter scheme..... selling snacks!
Yay! Although Meowth is feeling like a miserable sack of crap.
Meanwhile, Tyson and Meowth-in-Boots are ready to face off against a young female trainer and her Persian. Meowth-in-Boots looks furious to see Persian, and Brock explains that Pokémon evolution is complicated and Persian isn't necessarily with the advantage here. Up in the stands, Meowth is distracted from selling when he spots the fight, and is amazed by the speed of Meowth-In-Boots charge... but it isn't fast enough!
Persian Dodges and Fury Swipes Meowth-In-Boots right across the face. It backs off and uses Double Team to surround Persian, which blasts at the illusory Meowths with Water Pulse, knocking Meowth-in-Boots back. Persian's Trainer is impressed it didn't go down, but scores another direct hit with Shadow Ball.
But Meowth in Boots STILL won't go down, coming back out of the smashed in wall (they must be a bitch to maintain) with an Iron Tail and blasts a Thunderbolt after Persian, which digs under the ground to escape.... but the Thunderbolt follows and blows it out of the ground, knocking it out.... Meowth-in-Boots wins!
BUT IT ISN'T DONE YET!
It pops its claws and charges towards the Persian to slash open the face of the knocked out Persian, only to be grabbed by Tyson and restrained. It pulls clear and swings its claws, but Tyson recalls it to its Pokeball.
Outside of the Stadium, Tyson recounts to the twerps (and an eavesdropping Meowth) that he first met Meowth-in-Boots in a snowy forest not far from Ever Grande City not longer after he first arrived in Hoenn. It was fighting a Persian in the snow as a bunch of female Meowths watched on, and after Persian knocked it down and left it in the snow beaten and bruised, Persian left.... with the female Meowths in tow!
So.... it was a pimp that lost its ho's to a rival pimp!?!
Tyson knew he couldn't leave a Pimp down and out so he took it back to his cabin and treated its wounds. It's feet were particularly brutalized and so he put it in boots to help it walk, and it learned to move on two feet. Tyson figures that the battle was for leadership of the pack (leadership of the right to smack a ho upside the head and take her money!) and since then, all Meowth-in-Boots wants to do is prove it is better than Persian.
May thinks it would be better served by evolving into a Persian, because she completely misses the point since she was born with tits and doesn't understand that some people take time to "evolve". Brock explains to her that it wants to prove it doesn't NEED to evolve to beat Persian, and a tearful Meowth in the bushes agrees, muttering to himself that he too wants to beat the everloving fuck out of every Persian there is till they all learn that they'd better recognise.
Respect!
Jesse and James return to angrily tell him he needs to be pushing Pokémon, and he sobs that he needs a new job.
The twerps, Morrison and Tyson return to the stand to watch Ash's preliminary match against a karate-kid named Gilbert and his Hitmonlee. The martial-artist Pokémon tries to throw down with its skills on Pikachu and gets embarrassed by a fat little yellow rat dodging its moves and making it hurt itself.
Ash, being Ash, gets ahead of himself and a single stubborn idea stuck in his head (it has plenty of room and no competition!) when he decides to stick with a single move like Morrison did with Beldum (because he had no choice and he only won because his Pokémon evolved, got more powerful and learnt another move).... and the end result is Pikachu getting kicked right in the fucking face!
Hitmonlee's knee is still bothering it from earlier though, and as its Megakick pushes Pikachu towards the ground Ash orders an Iron Tail, and as they hit the ground.... it's Hitmonlee getting its face smashed in instead!
Ash wins, getting through the Preliminary successfully into the 256 along with Tyson and Morrison, leaving hundreds of others to return to their homes and families to inform them that - yes, they DID get eight badges..... and didn't even make it to the first round of the Championships.
Hugging Pikachu, Ash assures it they are going to go all the way to the top and win the whole damn thing...... because that worked out so well for them in Johto and Kanto!
Surprisingly, Ash is chosen to light the torch at the top of the stadium steps, watched by people around the world including his mother, Professor Oak and Tracey (Mum and Dad together with their lodger! It's like the Cunninghams and Fonzie if the Cunninghams were sex addicted druggies and the Fonz was a fat third wheel!); May's parents and.... Misty! Misty is watching on a computer screen at her Gym, somehow not fat and with balls! Morrison is an actual honest to God person in his own right?
Whatever the case, the Hoenn League Championships have FINALLY begun, and Ash means to win the whole damn thing for once!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "NUFFING'S MORE IMPORTANT DAN A MEOWTH'S HONOUR.... EXCEPT MAYBE A NICE SANDWHICH!"
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