379: Absol-ute Disaster
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380: Abusoru! Shinobi Yoru Wazawai no Kage!
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Pikachu has managed to just grab hold of a hanging shard of bridge and is dangling over the river as Ash yells out to it that he has coming (get its Pokeball out of your bag and recall it you doofus!) to save it. Pikachu isn't going to wait for Ash though, and swings its fat little body away from the shard of bridge as it falls and crashes directly into Ash's face, knocking him over.
As Ash recovers and struggles to his feet, the twerps turn to see an Absol standing on a broken bit of bridge in the centre of the river. May checks it out with Dextina and they learn that the white furred, blue faced wolf-like Pokémon is known as the "Disaster Pokémon" as where it appears, disaster soon follows. A couple of locals rush up screaming abuse at the Absol and clutching sticks to beat on it, but it jumps at them causing them to shit themselves, then bounds up the mountainscape.
Max wonders if the Absol isn't getting unfairly blamed for the disasters, and the two locals - after taking the twerps back to their home in the village - insist that until a month ago everything was fine, but then Absol started appearing and bridges began to break. They claim that the Absols are not foreshadowing disaster as the Pokedex claims, but actually causing them. Max correctly points out that their logic is faulty and their conclusion doesn't necessarily back up their premise. However their counter-argument is persuasive.... they physically menace a little boy into agreeing with them!
Hey, if it works in the world of academia!
The two townsmen claim that they're not going to put up with some Absol trying to kill them all; especially with the Absol Experts they've hired to take care of it for them. The twerps are surprised that there is such a thing, and then they get to meet them - all three of them! The woman and two men, one of whom is incredibly short with fur.
Yeah.
Slamming the door shut when she spots the smiling twerps waving hello to her, Jesse is shocked but pleased. They took the job for the free food being provided to them by the townspeople, but thanks to their awful British Colonial Explorer outfits the twerps have no idea who they are and that means they can take the chance to capture Pikachu as well as Absol. Meowth is also keen, because he can just imagine what the Boss will say when he gets an Absol from them.
What follows, however, is not a patented Crazy Meowth Giovanni Fantasy, but a bizarre Depressed Jesse's Daydream of a patented Crazy Meowth Giovanni Fantasy. She imagines Meowth telling them all about Giovanni out on his lawn in a dress gown, brushing his teeth when an Absol shows up and causes thunderclouds to roll in and rain all over the Boss as he declares with a fury that he will make "Meowth and Friends pay for this, and my drycleaning bill too!"
Jesse collapses in misery, Meowth figures she was daydreaming about them in new jobs with fishnet hairguards etc.
Shortly after, the "experts" are sitting outside telling the townspeople that now they've eaten up a big hearty meal they're going to go and capture the Absol to join all the ones they have grazing back home at the ranch. Using hideous British accents, they offer the "kids" the chance to come along with them to see how it is done rather than stick around waiting for disaster to come to them. Before they can reply though, a small boy rushes in angrily decrying Team Rocket's ability to capture the Absols, saying that none of them would be foolish enough to be caught by the likes of them. The townspeople are horrified, telling "Nicky" that he should remember that his own older brother ran away when he failed to catch Absol. Nicky insists that his brother didn't run away at all and that something happened to him, then runs away in a fury declaring he will find him.
The twerps, of course, decide to head off and find this small child out in the unfamiliar and dangerous mountains. They rush away, and the experts laugh and wave goodbye, insisting they will catch up later on thanks to their superior physical conditioning.
Well.... kind of.
A little further up, the twerps are struggling to get up the incline but doing better than Team Rocket, while Nicky is well ahead and having no problem at all. Finally the twerps convince him to wait up and explain what happened to his brother, Gordon. He explains that his brother (seen only from behind as a romantic Indiana Jones style figure) set out to capture Absol to prove it wasn't responsible for the disasters. He claimed he had proof and was bringing it back, but then he disappeared and hasn't been seen since.
Max declares he believes the Absol are innocent and Ash happily follows suit because what the Christ does he know, and Brock has long since learned to go with the flow, and May is hardly going to be the voice of dissent.
Behind them, Team Rocket finally reaches the level ground and pant in exhaustion before spotting the twerps and putting their phony accents back on. They hold up their nets and call out for Absol and warning the twerps to stay away as they're professionals. Max has the first inkling of something not being quite right with these guys, but Nicky dismisses it, saying to leave them to do their own thing as "they know what they're doing."
A quick wipe later, we find Team Rocket clutching each other in fear, crying with horror as they stand atop a precariously placed perfectly rounded rock orb. Jesse and James squeal in terror, asking how they got up there in the first place, while Meowth sobs that he just followed the sign that read,"For an all around good time come this way!"
What a terrible pun!
Meanwhile Nicky has bought Max and Pikachu to a wet and slippery area of the mountains that leads to "Square-Top", an actual square of rock at the highest point of the mountain. They call to the others to catch up, but Brock, Ash and May are exhausted and pause for a break, Brock placing his hand on the rockface, surprised to discover it is leaking water.
And then Absol arrives!
Standing atop Square-Top, it looks down on them all as Team Rocket spot it from their Circle-Top rock and mutter that the real disaster is that the villagers want THEM to capture THAT! Nicky shouts out to Absol that he doesn't believe it is responsible for the disasters, and it leaps over them and lands behind them which for some reasons causes everyone to become terrified and Ash to order Pikachu to blast the area in front of it with Thunderbolt as a warning.
Ash's delayed thought processes finally click in and he pauses to consider that maybe the Absol wasn't attacking them after all, because a Pokémon just wouldn't do that!
Well.... you know, apart from all those Pokémon that would, and have, many times in the past, for no reason.
Just then, Max notices just how much water is coming out of the rocks, and before they can react, he, Max and Pikachu are blasted forward an explosion of water out of the rocks. The water clears to reveal them hanging from a branch over a long drop, and Nicky can't hold on and falls.... only to be saved by Absol!
Max is smug as fuck over all this, till the branch breaks and he and Pikachu fall towards their death. Ash sends in Swellow to save Max, though it may have cost him his precious virginity.
Swellow is too busy feeling incredibly uncomfortable clutching tenaciously to a little boys buttocks to save Pikachu though, and it seems that nothing can be done to save it apart from stand yelling exposition... but then from nowhere comes a Heracross to save it!
Considering Heracross' reputations, and what Swellow just did to Max, this may not be a good thing.
It catches Pikachu on its horn and returns it to Ash, as Nicky excitedly rushes up to hug its Trainer.... Gordon!
Watching from their now rocking and rolling Circle-Top rock, Team Rocket are hopeful that "the new guy" is a REAL Absol Expert.
Gordon explains his absence, telling how he had cornered an Absol and was attempting to catch it with Heracross when the Absol slipped on a rock and fell towards its death, only for Gordon to go over all cowboy style and swing down on his rope and save it. It rushed away after they landed safely, meaning that he didn't capture it but became sure it wasn't responsible for the disasters. To test this theory, he set off for other regions to see if other Absols were similar.
And... he didn't tell his family or anyone else in the town!
What an asshole!
What he discovered was that Wild Absol tend to avoid humans and populated areas, but they are also constantly blamed for any and all disasters that occur... but they will never attack anyone unless they themselves are attacked first. This information made him sure that the Absol were not responsible for the disasters in the village, and Brock suddenly comes up with the solution to the mystery - the high current in the river, the increased water flow from the rocks.... the water explosion out of Square Top only a few minutes earlier.... it's the source of the river held within the mountain that is causing this situation!
Yes Gordon, while you were swanning around with Absols with no word to your family, this squinty eyed virgin just solved the mystery for you.
Brock figures that the water explosions was a let-up of pressure from the spring source, but the pressure will build again till it explodes once more, this time probably with enough force to flood the village. Nicky decides that the Absol's appearances have been to try and return the favour for Gordon saving it earlier.
Just then Team Rocket speak up once more, reminding everyone that they're stuck up on that giant rocking boulder, and then the water explodes out of the rocks once more and comes flooding down the side of the river.
Absol appears once more and Gordon wonders if it remembers him, and it appears it does as it blasts at another giant circular boulder with Hyperbeam to try and knock it into the water's path. It isn't enough though, but luckily the flooding rushing water is flooding and rushing REALLY SLOWLY down the mountainside, giving everyone a chance to call out their Pokémon and blast at the boulder together.
The rock (which must be REALLY fucking heavy) doesn't budge and Max realises they need to be closer, so Absol rushes right up near it and blasts the rock from close range at risk to itself, finally knocking over the rock and crashing it into the groove down the mountainside and diverting it into two paths, once of which blasts right over Team Rocket as the twerps cheer in delight at the possible death of three strangers.
Or rather just remain unaware of it.
As Gordon thanks Absol, they hear the spluttering "experts" approaching, and turn to look at them as they stumble up onto their level, maintaining their accents, unaware that their "cheap rental costumes" have been washed off revealing their naked, glistening... normal uniforms!
Once they realise, they figure they might as well resort to type!
"Prepare for trouble cause we're hunting something new!"
"And make it double, it's your Pikachu!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"And James."
"Team Rocket rocking and rolling at the speed of light."
"Roll over now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
"WOBBBBB!" declares Wobbuffet proudly, popping up too soon so that Meowth rolls off the rock he is balancing on.
"BUFFET!" cries Meowth, falling onto his head.
"CHIME CHIIIIME!" agrees Chimecho.
Ash demands to know what they want and they point out that they ALWAYS want Pikachu, prepare to fight and.... Chimecho uses Razor Wind to blast them off immediately.
They were better off on that rock!
As the sun sets, the twerps, Nicky and Gordon have returned to the town where the townspeople are rather nervously agreeing that they were wrong about Absol.... none of them mentioning that maybe it might have helped if he'd mentioned that he was alive and where he was. Nicky thanks Max for his help but Max points out that Absol is really the one to thank, and they all look up and see it watching over them before heading back off into the mountains, a born loner thanks to the natural emo-haircut.
| BEST QUOTES |
 "What do you want?" "What do we always want?" "YOUR PIKACHU!"
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