368: Gaining Groudon
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371: Guradon VS Kaioga! (Zenpen)
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The twerps find themselves draped over some convenient shattered logs of wood in the ocean, May more concerned with getting pruney than their upcoming starvation/dehydration. Just then the water beneath them shifts and they're lifted up, finding themselves riding on top of a crimson submarine. They're delighted by this thoroughly unexpected turn of events and call out to the occupants that they're there, but to their horror the hatch on the tower above them opens to reveal.... Team Magma!
Ahhh fuck, not these boring assholes!
Apparently they haven't spotted the twerps, their Captain looking about with binoculars and chatting to his underling about the sonar readings showing nothing about. Just then they spot a HUGE floating base (not part of the "nothing" presumably) and the submarine sails in, the twerps hiding in the shadow of the tower as the Magma goons salute a thin, drawn face, bitter pinch mouthed asshole with red hair. Luckily by now the twerps have had plenty of time to find a hiding place and....
Oh.
Moments later they're being menaced by a Mightyena, Ash growling right back at it until tall and ugly tells them to calm down and introduces himself as Maxie, leader of Team Magma.
AHAHAHAHAHA! HIS NAME IS MAXIE! AHAHAHAHAHHAHA! HELLO! MY NAME IS MAXIE! I AM A STUPID UGLY JERK WIH A TERRIBLE HAIRCUT AND MY SUPER SECRET ARMY OF THUGS IS STUPID! LA DEE DA I AM SO STUPID!
He rather reasonably tells them that right now they're very busy so if they'll just sit in the submarine and not cause any problems they'll be absolutely fine and won't be hurt. It's.... completely reasonable, so you can guarantee Ash will fuck it all up and make a nuisance of himself.
Maxie
The girl moves through the base, talks to two guards and then punches them in the nuts!
She then pulls off her hood to reveal long bouffy pink hair, and I think we're supposed to gasp and say,"HER!?!" except I never bothered to remember who any of the Magma/Aqua characters were because holy shit they all suck so fucking much. She enters the room the two incompetent guards were standing in front of (you can't really call it guarding) where she finds.... KYOGRE!?!
But the episode title is Gaining Groudon!?!
Meanwhile Maxie has ignored his own advice and is now chatting with the twerps instead of shunting them aside in the submarine and forgetting about them. Despite having the voice of Rocky Horror Picture Show's Riff-Raff, Maxie is being friendly, so of course Ash is being a complete dick and insulting him while Brock tries to shut him the hell up. Finally the growling of the Mightyenas convince him to sit his ass down on a surprisingly comfortable couch in Maxie's office surrounded by henchmen. Maxie asks why Ash doesn't like him and he rants angrily about how Team Magma are evil jerks and suck, but Maxie silences his angry henchman and tells Ash he is mistaken, Team Magma is only concerned with unravelling the mysteries of the planet and create a better world for everyone.... he must be thinking of those crooks, Team Aqua!
The increasingly reasonable Maxie tells the twerps he already has a Legendary Pokemon, and a blue orb!
"A BLUE ORB!?!" gasps Ash, shocked.
Yes, a BLUE orb!
Maxie tells them that in ancient times, Groudon used volcanoes to create new land for the peoples of the world to live on, and now Maxie wants to communicate with Groudon in its ancient world. But Aqua are opposed to their "good" works, and are attempting to use Kyogre to oppose Groudon, but Magma has Kyogre! But then they discovered Aqua has Groudon! And the blue orb can only control Groudon and the red orb that Team Aqua has can only control Kyogre! And as both teams are in possession of a Pokemon they cannot control they are travelling to an out of the way island to affect a trade of orbs and.... JESUS CHRIST THIS IS SO BORING! NOBODY FUCKING CARES ABOUT YOUR SHITTY PLANS AND SUPER SECRET PLOTS! JUST DIE!
As Maxie instructs the twerps to be locked away to keep out of the way of the trade (entirely reasonable!), down in the hold the girl with the pouffy hair is risking even pouffier hair by filling Kyogre's chamber with steam. An alarm sounds, alerting Maxie, but it is too late, Kyogre is awake, and only seconds later is free! It bursts out of the side of the carrier, and a Team Magma grunt steps out to congratulate the lady, revealing her to be a Team Aqua Strategic Commander - Shelley - for a job well done. She suggests he isn't a Team Magma member either and he agrees that Kyogre needed to be freed into the sea if it is to be controlled by the red orb. She leaps overboard and he mutters something about how powerful he is, but nobody cares about him or Shelley, the only people impressed by their self-congratulatory verbal masturbation are themselves!
Maxie is learning of the damage to the carrier, apparently it is causing the ship to sink. Just then an explosion knocks Maxie over and sends the blue orb flying inordinately high into the air, creating enough time for Brock to yell exposition, Ash to listen, absorb, agree and jump towards it, a Magma grunt to shout no and then send his Mightyena in after the orb. Pikachu leaps over them like they were steps and grabs the blue orb (IT'S BLUE!) and a red rune on it glows bright and then.... absorbs into Pikachu's stomach!
Well.... hands up who saw that coming?
Maxie wants that Pikachu now, and the Mightyena are sent in for it, at which point Pikachu decides it is 19 and stupid so now is the perfect time to get some bitching tribal tats!
YEAH! It lays claim to an undefined culture without any of the personal tribulation normally associated with the earning of the marking!
Pikachu blasts the Mightyena with a massive Thunderbolt, but the runes start fading and another explosion knocks Pikachu back to Ash who scoops it up and runs out of the cabin with the others. As Maxie demands they find Pikachu, the Team Aqua submarine emerges from the water, and onboard Shelley reports to her leader.... Archie.
AHAHAHAHAHA! HIS NAME IS ARCHIE! AHAHAHAHAHHAHA! HELLO! MY NAME IS ARCHIE! I SURE HOPE MR. LODGE DOESN'T KEEP ME FROM DATING VERONICA BOY HOWDY I WEAR A BOWTIE AND HAVE FRECKLES AND I'M STILL IN SCHOOL EVEN THOUGH I MUST BE PUSHING 50 BY NOW! LA DEE DA I AM SO STUPID!
Archie (who looks like a fat pirate with a beard) congratulates Shelley and then lifts the Red Orb high, summoning Kyogre out of the water and commanding it to blast the fuck out of Maxie's floating base. It does so, and the Team Magma member who chatted with Shelley earlier mutters to himself about calling out his Dragonite when he suddenly spots the twerps running to the rail on the deck below. They prepare to jump overboard when the ship suddenly shifts and sends Brock, May and Max overboard, while Ash is knocked backward and then attacked by a Mightyena, keeping him from the edge.
HEY TRAINERS, WHICH ONE OF THESE IS THE BEST TO FIGHT PLUSLE AND MINUN!?! IF YOU CHOSE MUDKIP YOU WERE RIGHT.... IF YOU CHOSE TREECKO YOU WERE RIGHT TOO! AND TORCHIC AS WELL! BECAUSE PLUSLE AND MINUN SUCK BIG FAT DONKEY BALLS!
The other twerps spot Ash being escorted with Pikachu into a Magma Flying Ship, and the non-Magma Magma member joins them and they fly away from the wreckage as Archie
Meanwhile, on the island where Maxie is currently heading and Ash will soon join him, a THIRD Team already has a presence there, albeit unknowingly.
TEAM ROCKET!
Lying near death, they spot the Magma Airship overhead and Meowth gets a new lease on life, demanding they get after them. Wobbuffet proudly agrees, bursting out of the sand where it has been buried for who knows how long and saluting happily.
Brock, May and Max come to still alive and not drowning, resting on the back of their saviour..... a monster!
It's a Gyarados! A red one! The red Gyarados!
Archie is waiting with a giggle as Maxie lands and approaches, where he discovers that Maxie's own sabotage plot failed, his agents captured and paraded before them. Team Rocket watch from the bushes high above, delighted and intrigued by the intrigue going on (they're the only ones) and deciding to stick around and see what happens next.
Archie and Maxie are too busy verbally fellating themselves in front of the other in a desperate bid to make bored viewers who want Ash to get to Mossdeep Island to pay attention to them. Archie holds all the cards in this game though, he controls Kyogre and tells Maxie he must disband Team Magma at once and that he intends to rule the world. This REALLY perks up Team Rocket's interest, particularly Meowth who gets a wild look in his eye as he imagines capturing both Groudon AND Kyogre and giving them to the Boss as a gift!
For once he's probably right, the Boss WOULD be impressed with that!
Inside Magma's airship, Ash is trying to reassure a sickly Pikachu, but he does too good a job as the Tribal Tattoos come back and it blasts the fuck out of the hold they're locked in before exhausting itself and collapsing. Ash can't understand what is wrong...
HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU!?! THE BLUE FUCKING ORB YOU RETARD!
Thankfully, just then an actual honest to God professional shows up to save the day.
LANCE!
He explains that Pikachu bonded with the Blue Orb, something that will happen to any living being that holds the orb for too long. Pikachu's small size means it was overcome instantly, while Archie
They sneak up close with a piece of cloth they just happened to have on them which, by a remarkable coincidence, is the exact same pattern and texture as the boatshed they're hiding by! They spot a monitor showing Kyogre inside a pool of water, and Jesse reveals her amazing plan to capture it.
She's going to shoot a net at it.
Seriously.
Meowth slaps at some buttons clumsily and nothing happens, and when Jesse and James try to take control he goes crazy and begins slapping wildly at the panel, which just buzzes angrily until Wobbuffet happily smacks a button and shorts out the door, opening it up. Team Rocket rush in delighted.... directly into the path of two Aqua Grunts and their Crawdaunts.
Heavy stormclouds are rolling in over the island as Maxie seethes and Archie enjoys having one over his rival. But then Shelley reports intruders in Kyogre's cargohold and he accuses Maxie of going after Kyogre despite wanting Groudon, and Maxie angrily snaps he has no idea what is going on.
That's the glory of Team Rocket, no bullshit longwinded speeches and super secret conspiracy plots and crap like that, they just run in and blow shit up! They smash through the Crawdaunts (not too many episodes ago, one Crawdaunt could take on the twerps' entire teams) and Jesse blasts the net at Kyogre and electrifies it, figuring that Legendary or not, it's still a Water Pokemon. Kyogre's response is to smash its giant bulk into the air, tearing the net free and dropping it, electricity and all, over Team Rocket!
That's the downside of being Team Rocket!
They're sent blasting off again as Kyogre crashes into the water and in the cargohold next door, Groudon sits waiting to be awoken by Pikachu.... which is falling apart as the power of the orb burns it out.
But Kyogre isn't waiting, now that it is (comparatively) free of restraint, it's coming for Groudon, whether Groudon is ready or not!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "They have prisoners!" "This is good, let's stay and see what happens!""I hope we have a plan.""Of course we do.... we'll catch it with a net!" |
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