366: The Evolutionary War
|
369: Hanteiru to Sakurabisu! Shinka no nazo!
|
Some kids zip by surfing on two odd Pokemon, a Huntail and Gorebyss, two horrific looking sea monstrosities that both evolve from Clamperl.... no wonder that poor Pokemon spends so much time hiding in its shell.
Two of the kids (a boy and a girl) are roughly arguing as they try to pass each other, the boy knocking the girl into the water. The twerps' boat pull up alongside to ask if she is okay, but she claims to be fine and zips back over the waves atop Huntail. Moments later two smaller children come by arguing just as fiercely, but instead of surfing on Pokemon they're standing on absurd little paddle boats and complaining that the other is slowing them down. They leave the twerps behind confused, they sure want to get to that island, and they all want to be first!
Under the water, Team Rocket peek in on the proceedings through their periscope, or rather Jesse does, giving James and Meowth a running commentary on where they are going. But as they try to pedal along, they get trapped amongst the rocks on the seabed, and their attempts to pull free rupture the Sub and cause it to flood.
As they prepare to die a horrible, horrible death, the twerps arrive at the Pokemon Centre where Brock's ear learns the price of coming on to Joy once again. Joy is interrupted by a phonecall from Midori on Island B, whose Gorebyss is apparently doing better but has a sick Corsola, which she transfers over to Nurse Joy through the teleporter. The chubby middle aged woman with the pornstar's name tells Joy she'll be over to see Corsola later, and then the screaming of children gets the twerps' attention. Nurse Joy steps into a sideroom which turns out to be a classroom rather than a S&M Dungeon, and the children are arguing over which Pokemon is better, Gorebyss or Huntail. Nurse Joy demands their silence and snaps that it is study time and she wants them to shut the hell up. She explains it is the school for Island B & C, and a delighted Brock realises that Joy fulfills TWO of his sick fetishes, a Nurse AND a Teacher!
After telling the students that the next class will take place at the outdoor pool, Joy leads the twerps away, explaining that their is a great rivalry between the children of Island B and Island C, where for some reason Clamperl's evolve only into Gorebyss and Huntails respectively. As a result of this and the mind numbing boredom of living a "civilized" lifestyle a million miles from nowhere, the inhabitants of both islands waste away their lives arguing over which has the better hideous sea monster for a mascot.
The twerps don't see the point of the argument, but the kids of the island themselves are convinced and are currently trying to one-up each other by getting another stranger to the island to admit that their Pokemon of choice is better. Lying on his back and floating in the outdoor pool, the stranger is no fool, simply saying he thinks both Pokemon are great. Who is this mysterious man floating in the pool with his gut hanging out and his weight distributed across the water? Well despite the inaction of his current state, he's actually AN ACTION PROFESSOR FROM ACTION UNIVERSITY, DES MOINE!
IT'S PROFESSOR BIRCH!
Joy is shocked, she didn't actually know, she just thought he was a "nice guy who liked Pokemon!".
Wow, what a dumb whore!
Birch gets out of the pool clearly sucking in his gut in front of Nurse Joy, and tells the twerps he came to the Islands to research Clamperl, but so far he's just been mostly hanging out with the Gorebyss and Huntail. May laughs that she bets he just LOOKS like he is playing around when he's actually been conducting research, but the ACTION PROFESSOR admits he pretty much has just been goofing off, much to May's humiliation.
But he claims you can learn an awful lot about Pokemon by just playing with them, which really doesn't fly when you try and tell the PhD Committee how your thesis is coming along. Joy tries to get him to offer some expertise to the students and he mutters he's never been much of a teacher (he's a man of ACTION, dammit!) but the children are desperate to learn, and when he discovers that MAY has learnt more about the Clamperl on these islands since arriving 45 minutes earlier than he has in days (that Gorebyss and Huntail evolve on different islands) he thinks better of picking the brains of the natives to gather the facts for him.
When it's Publish or Perish, you do what ya gotta do!
Birch tells them that a Deep Sea Tooth or Deep Sea Scale are needed to evolve a Clamperl into a Huntail or Gorebyss respectively, and shows the kids and the twerps an example of each. He says he is going to Island C and the twerps beg to come along, which he happily agrees to.... someone to do the heavy lifting! They jump into his ACTION SPEEDBOAT and a little girl jumps in with them to show them around, since apparently school has ended. Once on the island, the little girl leads them into a cave where a waterfall flows - this is apparently where Huntails are guaranteed to evolve. As Birch takes a sample of the water (both with a glass AND orally) the twerps hear a splash and turn to see a little boy from Island B, who insists he is here researching "the enemy". After arguing with the little girl, he agrees to take Birch to explore Island B, and they set off, chased furiously by their Island C Guide.
On Island B is yet another cave and another waterfall. Birch drinks the water again and says it tastes slightly different and takes another sample, and then the little girl stumbles upon them. Birch believes that both the children are interested in their Island's "anti-Pokemon", and when he starts examining the water samples, the children argue over which Pokemon they want to hear about, and May guesses that despite the islands they come from, they each want the opposite Pokemon.
Birch asks to see their Clamperls and tells them they're both very healthy specimens, but as he inspects them, Team Rocket are inspecting the Gorebyss and Huntails swimming about. Jesse doesn't seem overly impressed by the monstrosities, but Meowth believes they're perfect for the Boss... and his wild side!
"I didn't know he had one," mumbles James.
But he does! Or at least, Fantasy Giovanni in another patented Crazy Meowth Giovanni Fantasy does!
Oh Meowth, you so homoerotic.
James seems surprisingly less than impressed with this vision of a muscular oiled up authority figure, telling Meowth that if Giovanni would be happy with a full evolution set of Clamperl, Huntail and Gorebyss, surely he'd be MUCH happier with a full Eevee Evolution Set? Meowth, furious as his housewife fantasy being dismissed, screams that they'll make do with what they've got, and Jesse declares in delight that she has the perfect plan, which causes Wobbuffet to scream its own name in rapturous appreciation.
Oh like you wouldn't.
HEY TRAINERS WHICH POKEMON WOULD BE MOST EFFECTIVE AGAINST MUDKIP? TREECKO, TORCHIC OR ANOTHER MUDKIP? THE ANSWER IS TREECKO BECAUSE IT'S LIKE CLINT EASTWOOD 'N' SHIT!
The little girl asks Birch if he has figured out how the Clamperl evolve, and Birch tells them what we all figured out already, the caverns are flowing water with traces of either Deep Sea Tooth or Deep Sea Scale. But before they can go and investigate, a burst of water explodes from the berth and the Magikarp Submarine (repaired from earlier in a way never explained) appears, complete with Team Rocket coming out the head!
"Prepare for trouble, you should be scared!"
"When we come around, no Pokemon's spared!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare to fight, fight, fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
"WOBBUFFET!"
"....chiiiiiime....."
This is it, this is Jesse's plan, to come out of the water and shoot a big net at the Pokemon. She gets points for simplicity, but did she really have to do it RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TWERPS? One call on Corphish later, her plan - like her net - is in tatters.
A furious Jesse calls out Seviper, but its bite fails against Corphish's Harden (GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!) and it Crabhammers Seviper. James calls out Cacnea which hugs him lovingly, then attempts to attack the two kids' Clamperls, only for them to protect themselves with Iron Defense. Seviper bursts out of the Water with Poison Tail but gets Bubblebeamed, then the Clamperls Water Gun Seviper and Cacnea into Team Rocket, and a Thunderbolt from Pikachu later sees them blasting off again!
May is impressed with the strength of the kids' Clamperls, but Birch is more interested in getting to Island B and the Cavern, where they hunt for and find a Deep Sea Scale. The boy - Keith - gives it to the girl who runs to her Clamperl, handing it the Scale before stepping back in readiness for the evolution. They wait....
And keep on waiting, no sign of evolution coming. Birch can't stand all this inaction and suggests they send it to the Pokemon Centre and investigate later, and they head over to Island C to try and find a Deep Sea Tooth. They look and the girl finds one, giving it to the boy who puts it into Clamperl's shell, and it yawns happily and..... nothing happens!
They send it to the Pokemon Centre as well, then head over there (couldn't they just have kept them in their Pokeballs?) where Nurse Joy hands them back over. They call the Pokemon out, but they're still Clamperl, no evolution has happened yet...... and then, it does!
Good God they're hideous!
So they've evolved the way the kids wanted them to, but Max can't figure out what took them so long, and Brock doesn't know either, a Sunstone Evolution would have happened instantly.
They take them outside to swim about in the water, but as they're enjoying themselves, the water explodes out again, it's....
Team Zocket!?!
Jesse, James and Meowth have returned, this time with something a little more study than a net. It's a special alloy Kingler-Bot, that easily absorbs Huntail and Gorebyss' attacks, and even takes Groyvle's attack easily. The kids demand their Pokemon use Water Pulse which actually staggers the Kingler-Bot, and the furious Team Rocket haul the Pokemon up in a net.... which Ash has Grovyle cut through.
They've never quite grasped the "rope can be cut" problem, have they.
Gorebyss uses confuse which lifts Kingler-Bot out of the water, and Pikachu blasts it with Thunderbolt before Huntail uses Screech to blow up the robot...... oh, okay then, that's how that works? James moans he couldn't hear the name of the attack because of the screeching, and then they're blasting off again!
May compliments the two kids on how well they know their Pokemon's attacks, and that she's proud of them. The good thoughts of this stranger they only met a couple of hours ago means alot to them, and then Joy shows up to tell them the ferry has arrived.
As the sun sets, the twerps get onboard and wave their goodbyes to Professor Birch, who APPEARS to suggest that he's going to absolutely bang the shit out of Nurse Joy. They pull away and the two kids show up surfing on their Gorebyss and Huntail, telling the twerps that all the people on B and C are getting on now and agreeing to trade Pokemon and everything is going to be OOOOOOOOH-KAY!
What? What a complete load of bollocks! Nothing was resolved one way or the other, we never learnt the girl's name, we never learned why the water in different caverns evolved the Clamperl differently (Birch had a theory but it was disproven by the incredible delay in evolving the two Pokemon), we're expected to believe that generations of in-built bias was wiped out by two kids evolving their Pokemon differently, and we're expected to applaud the destruction of the entire culture and belief system of TWO islands!?!
Bring on Mossdeep, please, no more terrible fillers like this!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "Dey're da poifect gift for da boss' wild side!" "I didn't know he had one....""WHO CARES WHAT'S BETTER WE GO WIF WHAT WE GOTTTTT!"Little Girl: "Use Confuse!"  "AHHH! WE'RE CONFUSED!" |
|
