365: The Relicanth Really Can
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368: Jiransu to shinkai no hihou!
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May is delighted by the blue of the sky and sea, and Brock blows a gasket when two pretty girls walk by, but their musings on pretty landscapes and prettier girls take a backseat when a seaweed encrusted humanoid figure bursts out of the water clutching a sack.
"Is it a Pokemon?" asks Ash. Oh Ash.
The figure laughs and tears free the seaweed to reveal he is a man, a big burly man, and he declares that he has finally done it, "Adam" has finally found his treasure! And what is that treasure? Only the sea knows for now, we can't tell you, but....
Adam - who is wearing a disturbingly form-fitting wetsuit - opens his sack as the twerps watch on in anticipation (oh my!) and pulls out what he claims are emeralds but look more like shitty colored beads on a string. He tells the twerps he plans to sell them at his store "Bounty of the Sea" and asks them if they want to come see it. Since he's a stranger in a tight wetsuit, the children eagerly agree and go with him, where they meet his wife Evelyn, who checks out the emeralds for him and tells him that they're.... green shards. Long ago they were used to make valuable jewelry, and nowadays they're.... well.... they're more valuable than seashells! With an almost pitying smile, Adam's wife tells the dullard that definitely the most valuable thing he's found so far, but judging by what he HAS found so far, that's not saying much!
He's a moron!
The steroid jacked idiot clenches a fist at his wife and demands to know what they're worth, but she's obviously used to his bouts of roid rage and tells him they're not going to get rich off of these. His mood swinging wildly back to happily enthusiastic and he insists that next time he'll find something great, and tells the twerps that he suspects the green shards come from the wreck of the King Neptune, a famous sunken ship. He tells them the tale of how it sunk 100 years ago despite nobody dying at all including the Captain, but legend says that the King Neptune carried with it the greatest treasure to ever go to sea!
Adam tells them how he found the necklace of green shards on his last dive of the day (the twerps had apparently arrived at the beach at the end of the day?) when a Relicanth swam by and the necklace fell off of it. Ash checks out Relicanth with his Pokedex and we learn that the ugly, jowly grey fish is a "longevity Pokemon" that can live at great depths. Max says it isn't a Pokemon you normally run into and Brock wonders if it has something to do with the wreck, while May declares that this is all romantic for some reason.
Adam "Man of the Sea!" declares that he'll find that treasure and the twerps ask if they can come along, and since he just met them 30 minutes earlier and plans to do a deep sea dive far out to sea in a section of water where at least one ship has been sunk, he says sure! Why not!?!
While all this talk of endangering children is going ahead, outside Team Rocket are delighted at the idea of sunken treasure being retrieved FOR them. They consider what they could do with such money, with James apparently desiring the life of a shut-in who keeps himself entertained with "mechanical contraptions"
Oh my!
Jesse intends to travel first class around the world, but James insists that the treasure has to go to the boss, ALL OF IT! Why just think, he suggests in another patented Meowth Crazy Giovanni Fantasy, they could make a bed of solid gold and all silver furniture, with jewels on the blankets and nightcap! And Giovanni would declare that he has to wear sunglasses to bed thanks to the bright shiny future of his bright shiny room! And he'll see to it that "Meowth and friend's" life is just as bright!
Meowth got issues.
An undetermined amount of time later (it's still day, so apparently Adam's a lazy bastard too!) the twerps and Adam are submerging in their submarine while Evelyn stays onboard the ship keeping in radio contact. They sink deeper and deeper into the depths and darkness, at which point Adam tells the children he is going to show them "something they've never seen before". But surprisingly rather that brutally rape them on this children's cartoon, he instead switches on the lights and displays a world of deep sea Pokemon in their natural environment.
Their natural environment is creepy and weird.
Adam's sonar picks up a hit and zooming in with his monitor he discovers Relicanth, which apparently registers on sonar while all the other Pokemon swooping and swimming about don't register. But before they can follow, the sub begins to shake and shimmer and they switch on the reverse camera to discover the submarine is getting humped by a giant Magikarp!
Ash immediately guesses it's Team Rocket (if it had been an alien spaceship full of Jesuses shouting,"Jack Chick was right!" he would have guessed it was Team Rocket) and they tell Evelyn over the radio all about the bad guys. Meanwhile those self same bad guys are straining to peddle their low-tech sub, Jesse complaining about the lack of a motor after all these years (of Ash being ten) while Meowth stares directly at James' ass and mutters that at least she has a better view than him.
Many would swap places with you, Meowth.
Suddenly James has an idea.... Chimecho! He calls out the floating testicle to wiggle it's tail and cheer them up with music, and Meowth decides now is the time to BLAST THE SUBMARINE WITH MISSILES!
"Get that big lemon off the road!" laughs Jesse as they zoom by.
"Eat bubbles, losers!" adds James.
Adam is furious, checks on the twerps and then tells Evelyn over the radio that the sub is fine and they're going on after the Relicanth, leaving us to ponder why the hell Team Rocket announced their presence before the treasure was found. The villains continue on lower and lower, Jesse declaring that she'll take them all the way to China if she has to (but that's a.... comparatively short distance from where they live!) when suddenly the Magikarp Submarine begins to spring a leak... the pressure is getting too much!
But Jesse refuses to turn back, it's the Team Rocket way to keep going on pigheadedly into danger, but they might not have much choice in the matter! Suddenly a valve bursts and water jets directly at a horrified Chimecho, startling it.
"Perhaps the Team Rocket way has taken a wrong turn!?!" squeals James, and then they're pulled down into a deep underwater current, swept towards certain death.
And the twerps are delighted!
Yes they actually laugh and cheer to see Team Rocket hauled into the clammy, pressurised grip of Davey Jones. Adam follows Relicanth into another current leading into an underwater cave, positive that his sub has the power to withstand the pressure. Evelyn shouts angrily at him over the radio to get out of the current, but the radio can't get through for some reason, and she's left to fume at her musclebound husband possibly killing himself and four innocent kids in the search for more beads.
HEY TRAINERS, WHAT POKEMON DOES REMORAID EVOLVE INTO!?! OCTILLERY, CARVANHA OR MANTINE? WELL OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT OCTILLERY THAT'S JUST STUPID THEY'RE A WHOLE OTHER COLOR AND HAVE EXTRA LIMBS AND.... wait, what? Oh.... shit.
Ash awakens in the red light district with Adam's crotch directly in front of his face.
GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!
The red light is the "oh shit!" light that comes standard with all submersibles, and Adam's extra muscles enabled him to withstand the buffeting of pressure and current to stay awake when everyone else was knocked out.
They all awake, the lenses in Max's glasses holding strong due to the thickness of his nerdy lenses. They look out the window and see something that apparently Adam completely managed to miss, they've landed in an under water cavern with a pocket of air.... and the wreck of the King Neptune!
Evelyn obviously married him for his superior intellect.
They step out of the boat into air trapped hundreds of feet underwater that apparently is perfectly fine to breath, and the first question the twerps ask in this impossible oasis is,"How did the boat get in here?"
As Adam rushes to the boat to check, the twerps actually start asking questions about the scientific impossibilities of the cavern, like where the air is coming from and how there can be light. Brock notices that the moss is glowing and then they spot the large opening in the wall that they guess they came in through. Air must get through from there somehow, and that's also the only way they can get out.... only at that moment the Relicanth emerges from the deep with a bellow and we finally get an idea of the actual scope of the monstrosity.... and then it is joined by several more all surfacing as well.
They think the Relicanth look happy, and Brock suggests they've been here at least as long as the King Neptune, and will probably be around in another 100 years as well. Just then Adam's voice calls out to distract them, and they all turn to get a much closer look at his junk than we really needed.
He claims he has at last found the treasure and prepares to open the chest.... when a female's voice tells him he's not. It's not Evelyn, it's Jesse!
"Prepare for trouble and cough up that treasure!"
"Make it double your plunder's our pleasure!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"Meowth! Dat's right!"
"WOBBBB-UFFET!"
"CHIME CHIME!"
Team Rocket thank them for finding the treasure for them and saving them the trouble of getting their uniforms dirty, and then Meowth laughs that they still like to play "doity" and hits a button, causing a plunger to shoot out of the Magikarp Submarine and haul the chest in.
Adam charges at them but Meowth blasts a missile at him and he ducks with a comically frightened squeal, the missiles curving oddly and blasting the King Neptune.... which pisses off the Relicanth, that's where they live!
"You want us? Come and get us!" shouts James, putting up his dukes,"I'm not afraid of a bunch of prehistoric Pokemon, I can't even tell if you're awake or asleep!"
This DOES seem to wake up the Relicanth and James loses his bravado, but Jesse is still unimpressed, telling him not to apologise to those "things" and shows them how to deal with them, blast a missile at them!
Ash is infuriated and sends out his jerky Corphish to blast the missiles out of the air with Pin Missile. Team Rocket jump into their Submarine and cheese it, the animators being particularly careful to avoid looking directly up Jesse's skirt.
Oh believe me, you wouldn't.
James tells Meowth to be polite and "close the door" behind them, so Meowth blasts the opening with rocks which seal the twerps and Adam inside to die a horrible suffocating death (to be fair, the twerps would probably do the same to Team Rocket!). The twerps are pretty much fucked, but the Relicanth seem to think that they've got another exit, and one of them turns and bellows at the twerps to follow them. Since they don't really have an option, they do as they were told, hopping into the sub and following them down into the underwater current to a deeper exit. Adam "GREAT MAN OF THE SEA!" promises to get them home safe and blasts them against the current as the Relicanth easily pace them, Adam laughing that this is kind of fun.
Up on the surface, Evelyn is praying that her husband and his life insurance policy that would take longer to pay out if his body wasn't found haven't gone forever. Adam contacts her again though and resurfaces, where they all thank the Relicanth and Adam brags to Evelyn who.... rips on him for dropping down into the underwater currents without contacting her first! She demands to know what happened to the treasure and he finally explains that Team Rocket stole it, and she tells them that she's been tracking Team Rocket since she found out about them!
On a small island, Team Rocket are getting ready to open their treasure chest when the twerps reappear, annoying them with their failure to die cruelly of suffocation or starvation or dehydration. The twerps try to grab Jesse's chest, but like so many sad fanboys before it will only happen in their dreams, as Jesse protects her treasure from grasping hands and tentacles alike.
A full on rumble ensues, everyone desperate to get their grasping paws all over Jesse's chest, but after the Relicanth get a BIT too excited and blast jets of liquid all over her, May finally gets her Bulbasaur to grab it and the wondrous treasure dreamed of by so many falls into Adam's hands!
Also, Jesse has great tits.
Pikachu blasts Team Rocket with Thunder, of course, and they're sent blasting off again, throwing out the puns thick and fast, as is their wont.
As the sun sets (man, Adam really is lazy! He finished his last dive of the day at like 11am) Adam finally hunkers down to open the treasure chest, revealing.... shards! Nothing but green shards!
The twerps can't understand why they were carrying so many, and Brock figures that they were worth a lot more back then. Adam is devastated, but Evelyn says they can still use it to make jewelry themselves and sell that from their store, and May takes the opportunity to gush over how much she likes jewelry, which isn't really very subtle, but then she is a ten year old girl with a C Cup. Evelyn promises to give her the first necklace they make, and Adam wishes the gathered Relicanth the best of luck before declaring there is still much to be seen out in the ocean, and he's going to keep on going out there and looking till he finds the treasure he is looking for.
Ash can understand; the great thing about being an idiot is that you're never down in the dumps for long!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I'll have such a fleet of mechanical contraptions that I'll never need to leave the house!""Is... creaking and leaking a good thing?""I'm not afraid of a bunch of prehistoric Pokemon, I can't even tell if you're awake or asleep!"
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