364: Clamperl of Wisdom
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367: Paruru to Banebu! Shinju o sagase!
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Oh for God's sake, this is it? This is how they open the first episode of Advanced Battle? A returning "character of the day" in Spoink and a rehash of their earlier plot to find its lost pearl, but this time underwater? That's terrible; nothing could possibly get me pumped up for Advanced Battle now. Not a damn thi-
UHHHHH UH OH WOAH OOOH! I'M UNBEATABLE!
WALKING DOWN THIS ENDLESS HIGHWAY!
NOTHING BUT MY FRIENDS BESIDE ME!
WE'LL NEVER GIVE IN, WE'LL NEVER REST!
ADVANCED BATTLE IS THE ULTIMATE TEST!
From the earth, the land, the sea, and sky
They can never win but they sure can try!
UHHHHH UH OH WOAH OOOH! I'M UNBEATABLE! Pokemon.... ADVANCED BATTLE!
Uhhhhh uh oh woah oooh! I'm undefeatable
From the stars, and the ancient past
They come to play but they never last!
UHHHHH UH OH WOAH OOOH! I'M UNBEATABLE!
Pokemon.... ADVANCED BATTLE!
Uhhhhh uh oh woah oooh! I'm undefeatable
OOOH OH OH! Advanced Battle..... I"M UNBEATABLE!
POKEMON!
Oh. my. fucking. God. It was like, holy shit, Ash was sending his Pokemon to fight and then Pikachu blew a forest the fuck up and then Ash and Pikachu were running but Brock was macking on a red chick but it was Munchlax and May and Max don't know what the fuck but GIANT DREW and then motherfucking Kyogre and Groudon fucking shit up for legendary Pokemon and Celebi is flying AND SHIT FUCK AND REGIS ARE FIGHTING ASH BUT HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK and Team Rocket are dancing when a fucking Weavile comes by and oh shit is that Batman no it's Mewtwo and there's Professor Oak and Elm and Tracey and even goddamn Misty MOTHERFUCK THAT'S HO-OH and then a bunch of silhouettes of people Ash gotta fuck up old school and Lucario is just hanging out on a tree while Mew flies around and Team Rocket digging and getting chased and all the Pokemon and Ash is flying now and FUCK FUCK FUCK IT'S POKEMON ADVANCED BATTLE!
I am so fucking pumped up for this series!
Spoink stares sadly out over the ocean, then turns sad eyes towards the twerps before spotting a buoy and using Psychic to carry it to its head. Ash grabs it off of the sad Spoink and Torkoal bursts into tears and then... commits suicide! The twerps watch as it plummets into the water, sinking like a stone, dumbly proclaiming it is trying to help Spoink find its pearl until Max suddenly remembers that Torkoal's - being made out of ROCK AND FIRE - can't swim. Ash panics and leaps in after it, and not long after they're back on board, Torkoal getting its breath back while May tells it that it did a nice thing while Ash reminds it that it nearly died. They decide since the Captain has apparently passed out in a drunken stupor in the cabin they might as well hunt for the pearl, and send out Mudkip and Corphish to try and find Spoink's missing pearl.
The dive down deep, and Max suggests that Brock send out Lombre to help, and just like the lazy Mexican stereotype it is, Lombre just starts backstroking instead.
Deep below, Corphish and Mudkip have no luck and resurface to let the twerps know. They continue on to Macey Island and hang out on the beach with the sad Spoink, Brock saying that the Captain is now eager to get going again soon (maybe his nap put him behind schedule?) so if they're going to find that pearl, they better do it soon.
Just then a kid runs by playing with his Azumarill, and when Spoink sees the blue ball shaped Pokemon it eagerly lifts it up with Psychic and places it on its head. The kid bursts into tears and Ash and Brock drag it off, telling Spoink that this isn't its pearl... so next it tries a Swablu! This continues on until things just get silly.
That's pretty impressive balance though!
Still depressed, the twerps are running out of ideas when by chance a young man in a labcoat comes walking up the beach (you often find scientists chilling on the beach on island paradises) and spots that Spoink is missing its pearl. He tells them that a Clamperl might be able to help Spoink, and takes them up to his research lab overlooking a beachside clifftop (usually the home of MAD Scientists, as opposed to the helpful ones) and shaped like a Clamperl itself. He introduces himself as Isaiah (definitely a mad scientist) and tells them that his research indicates a relationship between Spoink and Clamperl. His lab includes a small pond with Clamperl living on the rocks - odd pink pearl Pokemon nestled in a clam-like shell for protection. Isaiah tells them that Macey Island has so many Clamperls on it that it is also known as Clamperl Island (apparently it also has an inordinate number of Macey Grey's as well, hence it's other name), and Brock asks for further clarification on the relationship between Clamperl and Spoink.
Isaiah tells them that the pearls that Spoink wear on their heads actually come from Clamperls, and shows them a picture of a Clamperl "holding" a pearl. Essentially it looks like the poor little things get confused and think they've found an unresponsive brother or sister, and then some weird pig thing with a spring for a tail comes and steals it from them.
The twerps figure that Spoink was out on the ocean because it was trying to make its way to Macey Island (Nature can have a twisted sense of humor sometimes), but none of Isaiah’s Clamperl are currently "holding", though Spoink seems more excited to see a blue pearl in a case. Apparently they are very rare and valuable, Isaiah doesn't know why they turn blue, but he is determined to find out.
And Spoink is determined to wear it on its head.
They head down the beach figuring they just have to find a Clamperl with a Pearl for Spoink, when it takes matters into its own paws and drags a little girl's decapitated Todd hairdo onto its head, mistaken by the twerps for a Shroomish. They apologise to the little girl who runs away in fright, and Max snaps at it to calm down so they can help it out.
Meanwhile.... Team Rocket!
They've spotted the blue pearl as well, and they want it.... Jesse and James for its financial charms, and Meowth because.... well, he's crazy!
So it's time for a patented Crazy Meowth Giovanni Fantasy!
Meowth thinks that Giovanni would love such a pearl as a ring, or better yet as the jewel he would wear in a crown as well as ermine robes! Even James thinks that the excited, crazy little cat has gone too far now, but Meowth insists he is right, and tells them that if they can just get Giovanni that pearl, they'll finally be given rewards and praise and love!
Jesse doesn't care, if Giovanni doesn't want it then she'll take it. They lift up the case and Jesse happily reaches out for the pearl.... which glows and lifts into the air, lands on Spoink's head and then it bounces happily out the window.
Down at the beach, the twerps are trying to find the missing Spoink when they hear the alarm sound up at Isaiah’s lab. They rush up to stick their noses in where they don't belong, and discover Isaiah talking with a male and female janitor, both of whom have remarkably svelte forms for their chosen occupation, and amazing red and blue hair respectively! Isaiah tells the twerps that the janitors (whom he doesn't seem to remember having never hired) were cleaning when Spoink bounced in and stole the pearl, and they ran straight to Isaiah to tell him. The red-haired tall female janitor with the amazing rack cheekily whispers that she initially thought she'd been breathing fumes for too long, while the trim blue haired janitor wistfully notes if only he could bounce like Spoink.....
"Yeah, what if?" asks Ash.
"Well... uhh... I could be a bouncer!" gasps the blue haired janitor, and the redhaired female nervously laughs that he is quite the joker and pushes him away, saying they have to get back to work. This leaves behind Isaiah, who sighs that he didn't even get to start his research (too busy taking walks on the beach and buying big glass cases to hold things in, maybe?), while the twerps vow to track down Spoink and the missing pearl.
They bring out Swellow and Beautifly to look from the air, while May and Max head off with Isaiah, Ash and Brock going a different way. But after they leave, those two janitors pop out of bushes, now wearing white uniforms with R's on them and with a talking Meowth in their bucke.... it was Team Rocket all along!
James again wistfully says he wishes he could move as "suavely" as Spoink, and Jesse angrily snaps at him that she'll show him her suave fist if he's not careful. But Meowth has a new plan, if they can't get the pearl for Giovanni, they'll get the pearl.... and Spoink!
And then things get weird.
Oh Meowth, you're a little creepy.
"Okay, you've officially lost it now," laughs James, unable to take it anymore, waving his arm at Meowth who snaps angrily back that James just has no fashion sense!
Meanwhile, the little boy with the Azumarill and the little girl with the Shroomish are walking through the beach together trying to decide what to do next when they once again encounter Spoink and immediately panic, holding their Pokemon up and away from it as if they would stop Psychic. It simple bounces happily and they notice the blue pearl on its head.... and then it falls over and sends the pearl bouncing over the rocks and into the shell of a sleeping Clamperl, knocking loose its pink pearl which bounces back through the rocks and lands on Spoink's head. And Spoink.... bounces happily up and down because it doesn't know what the fuck is going on.
It bounces away and the kids are confused, it doesn't care that its pearl got swapped?
Beautifly spots Spoink and leads the twerps (all of them combined into one group again) to the happily bouncing Spoink, happy to see the pearl an.... it's the wrong pearl! The kids show up and tell them what happened, and they set off to find the missing blue pearl, watched by Team Rocket from up in the palm trees, who decide that they'll now steal Spoink, the pink pearl AND the blue pearl too!
HEY TRAINERS, WHICH OF THESE POKEMON WOULD BE MOST AFFECTED BY EMBER? SEEDOT, LAPRAS OR LUDICOLO? THE ANSWER IS SEEDOT BECAUSE LAPRAS LIVES IN WATER AND LUDICOLO IS A GAY PINEAPPLE DUCK!
Spoink bounces them to the Clamperl, but now the shell is all closed up. Spoink bounces forward and the clam opens, a sleepy Clamperl inside shaking its head when they ask for the blue pearl back, even saying pretty please. Clamperl just wants to sleep though, it's a tired little pink ball, but when Spoink kindly offers the pink pearl back it seems to reconsider, and May reaches out to take the blue pear.... and a smokebomb explodes beside them!
"Prepare for trouble, we won't be too long!"
"We'll grab the goodies and soon we'll be gone!"
"To protect the world from devastation."
"To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
"Jesse."
"James."
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light."
"Surrender now or prepare for a fight... and we mean a fight!"
"Meowth! Yeah, dat's right!"
Jesse declares that they "call" the blue pearl, the Spoink AND the Clamperl, and calls out Seviper to fight for her. Ash sends out Torkoal, and Seviper foolishly tries to bite it, which is even more foolish when Torkoal uses Iron Defense, and even MORE foolish when it tries not to bite with an oversized fang but... it's forehead?
Torkoal blasts at Seviper with Flamethrower but it dodges and uses Haze to black out everyone's sight, causing them all to panic and run around like idiots, Brock screaming he has Clamperl as he grips down on Max's head and drags him along the ground. Jesse coughs as she tries to make her way through the smoke, only to encounter James and his sack....
GETCHA MINDS OUTTA DA GUTTA!
....which he has stuffed Spoink into. They leap into the Happy Buddha Face Meowth Balloon and fly away, the smoke clearing to reveal some confused twerps and Brock molesting Max.
Oh like you wouldn'.... actually, no, you probably wouldn't.
Spoink is still there though, so it seems Team Rocket have captured Clamperl instead. Indeed they have, as they've landed and discovered their happy mistake, happy due to the blue pearl inside the clam. But Clamperl seals up shut when they demand it hand over the pearl, so James does his best to get it open.... except he's really not an expert when it comes to clam shaped pink things , he has no idea what he's doing and no real desire to do it!
Meowth suggests they use their mouths to get it to spread, which Jesse surely must have experience in. But after they all try sweet talking their way into Clamperl's pants and fail, Jesse and James blame Meowth for their failure, and it's... kinda weird.
Then things get weird, as a horrified Meowth has a patent-pending Paranoid Meowth Giovanni Fantasy. He imagines a little Giovanni in full suit but bare feet trying to get the Clamperl open, then getting frustrated and kicking it, hurting his foot and laying blame on "Meowth and friends"!
There's something not quite right with that little cat.
Seriously, as he now suggests they tickle the clam, then jams his tail in its face and gets it bitten down by a Clamp attack. They check out James' cards and calmly identify the attack as Meowth screams and tries to get free, and then James decides to bring out Chimecho, figuring its "melodious golden tones" will crack the shell of Clamperl. When this fails, it has the happy little floating testicle sing louder as Jesse gets progressively more irate and finally snaps, screaming at them and causing Chimecho to wrap its hanging tail around James' eyes. He returns it to its Pokeball, and Jesse drops to all fours in a final last ditch effort that has never failed to get its target to sneak a peek in the past. Unfortunately it works too well, as Clamperl "blows a load" and blasts Jesse back with a powerful burst of fluid that smashes her back into a tree.
I guess it's been awhile for Clamperl.
Jesse wraps her legs around the clam and grabs at it with her fingers, screaming at it in a horrifying display of attempted lesbian rape, watched from above by Swellow. It flies back and warns the twerps, who get to the scene in time for the gangbang, as Clamperl's shell is being penetrated by thick brown logs..... tree logs! Team Rocket are trying to wedge the shell open enough for Jesse to get at the little pink ball that none of them have been able to find so far!
The twerps demand that they stop this horrifying sexual assault, and then Spoink pays them back with a little sexual assault of its own, lifting them with Psychic in a way that makes it look like Jesse's log has discovered its own little pink pearl.
Team Rocket are blasted back against their balloon, and the twerps check on Clamperl, Spoink looking through its open clam to see if it is okay. Team Rocket aren't done and want to fight though, so Ash brings in Grovyle to beat the shit out of everyone and everything, Spoink on defense to stop Poison Sting. Grovyle kicks all kinds of ass as Spoink Psybeams anything that looks like getting by, and then Clamperl blasts Team Rocket with a massive Water Gun, exhibiting the little known explosive properties of water by sending them blasting off again, lamenting that the trifecta they did get was one of failure, they didn't just not steal one thing, they didn't steal THREE THINGS!
The twerps check on Clamperl, and Ash lies and tells it that Spoink is asking that it hand over the blue pearl to Isaiah. It agrees, and Spoink gives back the pink pearl, but now it is without any pearl at all once more. Clamperl then offers the pink pearl it just got back, and Spoink takes it and bounces about happily, as the twerps grin down at this bizarre retarded legless pig flopping about all over the place while a sexually violated pearl smiles on.
I fucking love Advanced Battle!
| BEST QUOTES |
 "I was afraid we'd been breathing fumes too long!" "Oh, if I could bounce like that!"
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